The yoo-hoo you you-hew into the forest is the yoo-hoo you get back.
Author: admin
This morning I woke up
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.
That’s the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
Better Than Men
Women understand that babies do not come from the stork. When a women is pregnant and craves pickle and mustard sandwich�s, the man groans and wines until they remind him that you are the one having the baby HERE! But when the man craves a six pack, she diligently goes to the store and returns five hours later with a romantic movie. When women see a ”caution” sign, they carefully avoid it, while men assume that it was meant for someone else, and come home with every bone broken. Women characterize the first date, by seeing how you act and eat. Men check to see if you can name at least one football, basketball or baseball star. Women can stand to be wrong, while men make about excuses ”misunderstanding” and some how it is always the women’s fault. When a man attends a concert, he whoops, yells, shrieks and yelps, while gobbling down anything he can get his hands on. While women enjoy the show, dancing and socializing with friends. When women stay in the bathroom for over 45 seconds, men assume that something is wrong, and walk in to examine the situation. Women understand about privacy, and won’t come in the room until 2 hours have passed. When in a hospital, women will share all emotions. While men, being the ”tough” guys that they are, will ”stay calm” until someone finally notices that he has wet the chair he is sitting in. Women love to help. Men feel you want commitment when you ask to do the dishes
Condoms In Ears
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn’t get Hearing Aids.
Dog in the park
A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass, and the action immediately stopped.The lady was amazed. “How did you do that?” she asked.The little boy said, “That’s my dog! He can dish it out, but he can’t take it!”
You just might be a Redneck if…
You Just Might Be A Redneck If…
You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws. Jack Daniels makes your list of “Most Admired People.” You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey, y’all watch this!”
You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl.’ You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. One of your kids was born on a pool table. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. Ya can’t get married to yer sweetheart ’cause there’s a law against it.
You dated one of your parents’ current spouses in high school. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your school fight song is “Dueling Banjos.” Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
The Hypnotic Sermon!
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the
collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that
perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving
more.
“And just how would I go about doing that?” he asked.
“It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that
the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone
voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a
slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the
collection plate.”
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and
behold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills! Now, the preacher
did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every
Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried
his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the
chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud
thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. “Crap!” exclaimed the
pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.
“Honk If You Love Jesus” Bumper Sticker
The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a
HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back
bumper of my car, and I’m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience
followed.
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord, and didn’t notice that the light had changed. That bumper
sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy
behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the lord because
pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, “Jesus Christ!” as loud as
he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, “GO JESUS CHRIST,
GO!!!”
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved
and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from
Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny
beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck
up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed,
looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck
sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and
yelled something. I couldn’t hear him very well, but it sounded like,
“Mother trucker,” or “Mother’s from there.” Maybe he was from Florida, too.
He must really love the lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in
the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking
toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the
light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because
I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them
standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held
up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
Fun to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
Yo mama is so poor
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,”DING!”
Trumpet joke
Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?A: King Kong is more sensitive.
Mens laundry
How do men sort out their laundry? Filthy, and filthy but wearable.