In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastary:
You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
Author: admin
Diplomacy with the Police
Years ago a friend was driving his late ’60s muscle car on a turnpike at about 100 MPH. Soon an officer sternly stated, “License and registration.”
Several minutes later he returned with a written warning for driving 100 in a 65 zone.
The offender said, “Not to be disrespectful, but how do you decide when to give a ticket and when to give a written warning?”
The officer stated, “It depends on … the nature of the offense … the condition of the road … the weather … the attitude of the offender … or in this case I’m out of tickets.”
Questions that confuse people
Why do we have a pair of pants, and a pair of underware but not a pair of bras?
Why do all women put on mascara with their eyes open?
Jackson
why does michael jackson act like a 28 year old?
because he gets 20 8 year olds
Microsoft Waiter
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
Patron: No, it’s still there.
Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.
[The waiter leaves.]Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
3 Science Fair Projects for Blondes
1. Are knives really sharp?
2. What would happen if I stuck my hand in the pirannah
aquirium?
3. Are venomous snakes really poisonoise?
THREE SUM
WHATS 5 + 46 + 6 =
A; A three sum way micheal jackson
Now that I’m older…
Now that I’m older…..here’s what I’ve discovered…..
I started out with nothing..I still have most of it.
When did my wild oats turn into prunes and All Bran?
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
The first rule of holes:= If you are in one, stop digging.
I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through, though.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few….
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Drunk in bar
A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, “Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?” The drunk replied, “Yes ma’am, I have indeed shit myself.” The woman says, “Well, why don’t you go somewhere and clean yourself up?” The drunk says, “‘Cos I’m not finished yet…”
Manslaughter defense
MIDDLETOWN, Connecticut (AP) — A woman charged with causing a fatal car crash in 1999 says that she couldn’t have been behind the wheel because she was performing a sex act on the driver at the time.
Heather Specyalski, 33, was charged with second-degree manslaughter in the crash that killed businessman Neil Esposito. Prosecutors alleged that she was driving Esposito’s Mercedes-Benz convertible when it veered off the road and hit several trees.
But Specyalski claims that Esposito was driving, she was performing oral sex on him at the time, said her attorney, Jeremiah Donovan. He noted that Esposito’s pants were down when he was thrown from the car.
Superior Court Judge Robert L. Holzberg ruled Tuesday that Specyalski can proceed with the defense, despite objections by the prosecutor.
“A defendant has a right to offer a defense no matter how outlandish, silly or unbelievable one might think it will be,” Holzberg said. He added: “No one ever told me in law school that we’d be having these kinds of conversations in open court.”
Assistant State’s Attorney Maureen Platt said the defense is flawed.
“His pants could have been down because he was mooning a car he was drag racing,” Platt said. “His pants could have been down because he was urinating out of a window. His pants could have been down because he wasn’t feeling well.”
Also Tuesday, Holzberg denied Donovan’s motion to use gender as grounds to eliminate jurors. Donovan had argued that women would be biased and more likely to convict.
Submitted by yisman
Edited by Curtis
How to play golf.
A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.
When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, “I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip.”
When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, “Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband’s “club”. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing.” She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.
The golf pro says to the woman, “That is unbelievable, I didn’t think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem…
How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?”
OJ and Clinton
What do OJ and Clinton have in common?
Both are lying, bad golfers, who leave a trail of DNA behind.