Author: admin

Bad News Mom

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Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper.

His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, “That’s it! No honey for you for one month!”

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, “No butter for you for one month!”

Early that evening, Johnny’s mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.

Johnny’s mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, “Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?”

Round for the house

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A drunk walks into a bar and says loudly, “Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE, and have one yourself, too!”

The crowd cheers, the bartender pours and passes out the drinks, then knocks back a shot himself.

“That’ll be $80 for the round,” says the bartender, to which the man replies, “I don’t have a plug nickel.”

The angry bartender drags the man to the door and roughly throws him into the street.

The next night, the drunk again walks in and says, “Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE—and go ahead and have one yourself, too!”

As the crowd cheers, the bartender reasons to himself that no one would come in and do that twice, and that the man probably has the money for the previous night, so he passes out the shots and knocks one back himself.

“Ok, that’s $80 for last night, and $63 for tonight,”

The man replies, “I don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, sorry to say.”

The bartender, enraged at this, smashes the man in the head over and over as he drags him to the door and again throws him roughly into the street.

The next night, amazingly, the bartender hears over his shoulder as he’s working, “Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE.”

Turning around, he can’t believe the drunk is back for a third time.

“What, nothing for me this time?”

“Hell no,” says the drunk. “You get MEAN when you drink!”

Farm Inventory

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It was time to take an inventory of the animals on the Old MacDonald’s Farm.
Farmer MacDonald got his 3 sons Gordy, Glenn and Gomer together and assigned a task to each of them. Gordy had to count the chickens, Glenn the pigs and Gomer the cows.

Gordy went out to the chicken coop and started countin’. 1, 2, 3 . . . 48. And came back and told his father “You have 48 chickens.”

Glenn went to the Pig Barn and counted 1, 2, 3 . . . 53. And came back and told his father “You have 54 pigs.”

Gomer went out in the pasture to count the cows. They were all together at one end of the pasture and Gomer began to count 1, 2, 3, and an udder, and an udder . . .

Cats in heat

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A veterinarian surgeon had had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. ”Is this the vet?” asked an elderly lady’s voice. ”Yes, it is,” replied the vet, ”Is this an emergency?” ”Well, sort of”, said the elderly lady, ”there’s a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can’t get to sleep. What can I do about it?” There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, ”Open the window and tell them they’re wanted on the phone.” ”Really?” said the elderly lady, ”Will that stop them?” ”It should,” said the vet, ”it stopped ME!”

Viagra As Diet Pills

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One morning a long-wed couple were in an amourous embrace and the wife says: “Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast… eggs, bacon, toast…” The husband says: “No, I’m not hungry, the viagra takes away my appetite.” Later in the day, the wife says: “Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favorite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets…” The husband again refuses, “I’m just not hungry after using that viagra.” Long about dinner time, the wife tries again, “Are you hungry yet?, I’ll fix a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls.” The husband still refuses, “No, that Viagra just kills my appetite.” The wife then firmly says “well, I’m getting something to eat, so get OFF of me!!!”

Golf strike

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there are three guys golfing a pope a biship and a cardinal and the pope and the bishup get hole in ones 2 times and the cardinal says oh shit and the pope says if the cardinal says that again he will get god to strike him down so the cardinal says it again and the pope says god strike him down and god throw a lightning bolt at the pope by acadent and god says oh shit

A game of animal football

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The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. “I know a really
exciting game that the humans play called football. I’ve seen it on T.V.”

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got
excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose
up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion’s team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had
to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the
ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two
rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to
daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 – 0.

Late in the first half the lion’s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked
the extra point. The lion’s team led at halftime 7 – 6. In the locker room, the
lion gave a peptalk.

“Look you guys. We can win this game. We’ve got the lead and they only have
one real threat. We’ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he’s a killer.
Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.”

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino’s
team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the
rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He
skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he
was home free. Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead. There
were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what
had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

“Did you do this?” he asked the centipede.

“Yeah, I did.” the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, “Where were you during the first half?”

“I was putting on my shoes.”

Milking Cow

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A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So what happened that’s so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that’s not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm…

Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in…..

Diplomacy with the Police

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Years ago a friend was driving his late ’60s muscle car on a turnpike at about 100 MPH. Soon an officer sternly stated, “License and registration.”

Several minutes later he returned with a written warning for driving 100 in a 65 zone.

The offender said, “Not to be disrespectful, but how do you decide when to give a ticket and when to give a written warning?”

The officer stated, “It depends on … the nature of the offense … the condition of the road … the weather … the attitude of the offender … or in this case I’m out of tickets.”