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A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male volunteers told him, “When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I can’t see a thing.”
“Hmmm…that’s an interesting optical reaction to sex,” said the researcher.
“Would you mind if I had a look at it?”
So the volunteer stuck out his tongue!
Yo momma so old her birth certificate expired!
It was time to take an inventory of the animals on the Old MacDonald’s Farm.
Farmer MacDonald got his 3 sons Gordy, Glenn and Gomer together and assigned a task to each of them. Gordy had to count the chickens, Glenn the pigs and Gomer the cows.
Gordy went out to the chicken coop and started countin’. 1, 2, 3 . . . 48. And came back and told his father “You have 48 chickens.”
Glenn went to the Pig Barn and counted 1, 2, 3 . . . 53. And came back and told his father “You have 54 pigs.”
Gomer went out in the pasture to count the cows. They were all together at one end of the pasture and Gomer began to count 1, 2, 3, and an udder, and an udder . . .
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?A: Just one, provided there’s an engineer around to explain how to do it.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastary:
You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
Un escritor lleg� a un pueblo situado en medio de la nada, porque se le ocurri� que de all� podr�a sacar un nuevo libro, basado en las an�cdotas que pudieran tener sus pobladores.
Con esa idea, fue a buscar al hombre m�s viejo del pueblo y al encontrarlo le explica:
“Mire, ando recopilando datos para escribir un libro. �No tendr� alguna historia c�mica y ligera que pudiera yo transmitirle al mundo? �Algo que haya usted vivido en este pueblo y que recuerde con frecuencia?
“Ah s�, una vez se perdi� la esposa del Chuy, ese que vive ah� tras lomita. Pues se lleg� la noche y que no aparece la se�ora. As� que nos reunimos todos los hombres del pueblo y nos armamos con un buen cargamento de mezcal y nos metemos al monte a buscarla. Pasados varios d�as, pues que la encontramos y como ya and�bamos un poco locos por el mezcal, pues que uno por uno le hacemos el amor a la esposa del Chuy”.
El escritor se asombra del morbo con que el anciano recuerda las cosas y se asusta, piensa que no puede contar eso que sucedi�.
“Uy, �no tendr� algo m�s c�mico, algo que le haga re�r a usted y a todos los del pueblo? No s�, tal vez algo inusual, qu� s� yo”.
“Pues s�, una vez, se perdi� una chiva del Luis. Que se llega la noche y no recala el animal. Nos reunimos todos los hombres del pueblo, nos armamos con un buen cargamento de mezcal y nos metemos al monte a buscarla. Pasados los d�as la encontramos y, como ya and�bamos un poco locos por el mezcal, uno por uno se apa�� a la chivita”.
El viejo degenerado estalla en risas. El escritor piensa que el viejo est� loco y que ser�a mejor cambiar el car�cter del tema, para que ya no contara esas cosas.
“�Y no tendr� otra historia? No s�, algo m�s dram�tico y triste que haya vivido. Algo que pueda conmover a los dem�s y que pueda yo libremente contar en mi libro”.
El viejo mira al suelo y se le nubla la vista. Con un nudo en la garganta y las l�grimas rodando por sus mejillas declara:
“Pues, una vez me perd� yo…”
El Inspector General de Salud est� haciendo un recorrido por el manicomio en compa��a del encargado del plantel. De pronto, el Inspector ve algo que le llama la atenci�n: un loco acostado en el piso y un grupo alrededor de �l. Por curiosidad, le pregunta al encargado qu� est� pasando all�:
“Lo que pasa es que el loco que est� acostado dice que es el peri�dico y los dem�s lo est�n leyendo.”
“Muy interesante, ahora me tengo que ir, seguiremos ma�ana la inspecci�n.”
Al otro d�a, cuando siguen haciendo la supervisi�n, el Inspector ve que el loco-peri�dico del d�a anterior es perseguido por todos los antiguos lectores.
“�Y ahora qu� est� pasando?”, le pregunt� intrigado al encargado.
“Que como es el peri�dico de ayer, ahora lo quieren para limpiarse el culo.”
A veterinarian surgeon had had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. ”Is this the vet?” asked an elderly lady’s voice. ”Yes, it is,” replied the vet, ”Is this an emergency?” ”Well, sort of”, said the elderly lady, ”there’s a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can’t get to sleep. What can I do about it?” There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, ”Open the window and tell them they’re wanted on the phone.” ”Really?” said the elderly lady, ”Will that stop them?” ”It should,” said the vet, ”it stopped ME!”
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. “I know a really
exciting game that the humans play called football. I’ve seen it on T.V.”
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got
excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose
up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion’s team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had
to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the
ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two
rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to
daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 – 0.
Late in the first half the lion’s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked
the extra point. The lion’s team led at halftime 7 – 6. In the locker room, the
lion gave a peptalk.
“Look you guys. We can win this game. We’ve got the lead and they only have
one real threat. We’ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he’s a killer.
Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.”
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino’s
team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the
rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He
skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he
was home free. Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead. There
were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what
had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
“Did you do this?” he asked the centipede.
“Yeah, I did.” the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, “Where were you during the first half?”
“I was putting on my shoes.”
Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn’t you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said, “You know how fast you were going BOY?!?”
Bob thought for a second and asked, “Uhhh, over 55?”
“93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!”
“But if you already knew,” replied Bob, “Why did you ask me?”
Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, “That’s speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!” The cop took a good look at the Bob and said, “You don’t even look like you have a job! Why,… I’ve never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!”
Bob recanted, “I’ve got a job! I have a good, well paying job!”
The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, “What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?”
“I’m an asshole stretcher!!!” replied Bob.
“What you say, BOY?!?” asked the patrolman.
“I’m an asshole stretcher!!!”
Of course the cop asked, “What does an asshole stretcher do?”
Bob explained, ” People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it’s six feet across.”
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, “What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole ?”
Bob nonchalantly commented, “You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!
Q: How many Indiana University “notes” users does it take to change a light bulb?A: All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job they can get after they graduate.Note: Not meant to offend students at the Indiana University.
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.
Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?”
“I dunno.” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”