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I once had a friend who was a renowned clinical psycologist. He used to tell me about all the patients he had seen.
One of the most interesting cases he told me about involved a schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder.
At times this person believed himself to be a temptress in a Bizet opera. At other times he was convinced that he was the head of the German Luftwaffe in WW II.
The concensus of the practitioners was that the poor fellow didn’t know if he was Carmen or Goerring…
After God had created the world, he decided to come down and take a look of his creation of human.
He walked by several white men and went on with his business.
All of a sudden he walked by a black man and yelled out…..OOOPS, I BURNT ONE.
(and yes I do love black people, its just a joke)
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. “I know a really
exciting game that the humans play called football. I’ve seen it on T.V.”
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got
excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose
up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion’s team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had
to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the
ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two
rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to
daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 – 0.
Late in the first half the lion’s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked
the extra point. The lion’s team led at halftime 7 – 6. In the locker room, the
lion gave a peptalk.
“Look you guys. We can win this game. We’ve got the lead and they only have
one real threat. We’ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he’s a killer.
Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.”
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino’s
team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the
rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He
skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he
was home free. Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead. There
were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what
had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
“Did you do this?” he asked the centipede.
“Yeah, I did.” the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, “Where were you during the first half?”
“I was putting on my shoes.”
Un escritor lleg� a un pueblo situado en medio de la nada, porque se le ocurri� que de all� podr�a sacar un nuevo libro, basado en las an�cdotas que pudieran tener sus pobladores.
Con esa idea, fue a buscar al hombre m�s viejo del pueblo y al encontrarlo le explica:
“Mire, ando recopilando datos para escribir un libro. �No tendr� alguna historia c�mica y ligera que pudiera yo transmitirle al mundo? �Algo que haya usted vivido en este pueblo y que recuerde con frecuencia?
“Ah s�, una vez se perdi� la esposa del Chuy, ese que vive ah� tras lomita. Pues se lleg� la noche y que no aparece la se�ora. As� que nos reunimos todos los hombres del pueblo y nos armamos con un buen cargamento de mezcal y nos metemos al monte a buscarla. Pasados varios d�as, pues que la encontramos y como ya and�bamos un poco locos por el mezcal, pues que uno por uno le hacemos el amor a la esposa del Chuy”.
El escritor se asombra del morbo con que el anciano recuerda las cosas y se asusta, piensa que no puede contar eso que sucedi�.
“Uy, �no tendr� algo m�s c�mico, algo que le haga re�r a usted y a todos los del pueblo? No s�, tal vez algo inusual, qu� s� yo”.
“Pues s�, una vez, se perdi� una chiva del Luis. Que se llega la noche y no recala el animal. Nos reunimos todos los hombres del pueblo, nos armamos con un buen cargamento de mezcal y nos metemos al monte a buscarla. Pasados los d�as la encontramos y, como ya and�bamos un poco locos por el mezcal, uno por uno se apa�� a la chivita”.
El viejo degenerado estalla en risas. El escritor piensa que el viejo est� loco y que ser�a mejor cambiar el car�cter del tema, para que ya no contara esas cosas.
“�Y no tendr� otra historia? No s�, algo m�s dram�tico y triste que haya vivido. Algo que pueda conmover a los dem�s y que pueda yo libremente contar en mi libro”.
El viejo mira al suelo y se le nubla la vista. Con un nudo en la garganta y las l�grimas rodando por sus mejillas declara:
“Pues, una vez me perd� yo…”
A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male volunteers told him, “When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I can’t see a thing.”
“Hmmm…that’s an interesting optical reaction to sex,” said the researcher.
“Would you mind if I had a look at it?”
So the volunteer stuck out his tongue!
IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?
There’s a 12-month waiting list.
Three men gathered together for a round of golf on Mother’s Day. The men were
quite surprised at being “let go” for the day, and each wanted to know how the
other got away from their wife.
The first man said, “I purchased a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was so
happy that she let me go.”
The second man said, “I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so
thrilled with me that she let me go.”
The third man said, “I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife,
and said to her: `Golf course or inter-course,’ and she said: I’ll put your
clubs in the car.’ “
El Inspector General de Salud est� haciendo un recorrido por el manicomio en compa��a del encargado del plantel. De pronto, el Inspector ve algo que le llama la atenci�n: un loco acostado en el piso y un grupo alrededor de �l. Por curiosidad, le pregunta al encargado qu� est� pasando all�:
“Lo que pasa es que el loco que est� acostado dice que es el peri�dico y los dem�s lo est�n leyendo.”
“Muy interesante, ahora me tengo que ir, seguiremos ma�ana la inspecci�n.”
Al otro d�a, cuando siguen haciendo la supervisi�n, el Inspector ve que el loco-peri�dico del d�a anterior es perseguido por todos los antiguos lectores.
“�Y ahora qu� est� pasando?”, le pregunt� intrigado al encargado.
“Que como es el peri�dico de ayer, ahora lo quieren para limpiarse el culo.”
why didnt the skeliten go 2 da party?
cose he dint ave nobody 2 go wid ha ha
there are three guys golfing a pope a biship and a cardinal and the pope and the bishup get hole in ones 2 times and the cardinal says oh shit and the pope says if the cardinal says that again he will get god to strike him down so the cardinal says it again and the pope says god strike him down and god throw a lightning bolt at the pope by acadent and god says oh shit