Yo mama so fat when she stepped into the Atlantic ocean, the Titanic rose back up.
Author: admin
A closed mouth gathers no
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Liver and cheese
A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and runs them down. They show him their papers (he thinks they are phony).
He tells them, “O.K. I have a test for you. I want you to use the words liver and cheese in a sentence.”
So, the first guy says, “I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch.”
The agent says, “That was good, you can go. What about you?” he asks the second guy.
He says, “Liver alone cheese mine.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Darts
Some nuns are playing darts when it is sister maries turn.She throws 1 dart and get a triple 20;60.She throws a second a gets a single 20;80.She throws her last dart.
it hits a metal bar,bounces back and hits her in the forehead.All this resulting in her falling down,motionless.Just the commentator shouts,1 nun dead and 80!
Up
What goes up but never comes down.
YOUR AGE
Court transcripts
Q. Ms, were you cited in the accident?
A. Yes Sir, I was so ‘cited I peed all over myself!!
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Golfing with an older man
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.”
Gynecologist
I considered being a Gynecologist.
But there were no openings……..
A fail-safe circuit will destroy
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
Camera and condom’s
What’s the similarity between a camera and a condom?
They’re both used to catch those special moments!
What I’m Called?
A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
Old Man: “Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence?
Look how well it’s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands.
Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Great-Fence-Builder? Nooo..”
Then the old man gestured at the bar. “Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and polished it is?
I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. Carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eighteen days I worked.
But do they call me McGregor-the-Great- Bar-builder? Nooo…”
Then the old man points out the window. “Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see?
I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board, hands blistered and swollen by the salt.
But do they call me McGregor-the-Great-Pier-Builder? Nooo…”
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. “Ya screw one little goat . . . “
He Said…She Said…
He said…Want a quickie?
She said…As opposed to what?
He said…I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to
put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you?
He said…Do you love me just because my father left me a
fortune?
She said…Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left
you the money.
He said…This coffee isn’t fit for a pig!
She said…No problem, I’ll get you some that is.
She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said…It’s not my fault. I ran out of money.
He said…Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make
love to you in the worst way.
She said…Well, you succeeded.
He said…If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then
we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house,
we could fire the maid as well.
She said…Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me
properly we could do without the gardener as well.
He said…You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs,
have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said…No, have you?
He said…Why do you women always try to impress us with your
looks, not with your brains?
She said…Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a
moron than he is blind.
He said…What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?
She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said…Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said…I would, but you’re never there.