How many sexual deviants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One but it takes the entire cast of E.R. to get it out.
Author: admin
If I Ever Become an Evil Overlord
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, “Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?” My reply will be, “No, just sensible.”
8. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”.
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me — I’ll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy’s death look like an accident: I’m not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn’t believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word “mercy”; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he’s caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
The Top 15 Favorite Movies of Substance Abusers (Part I)
15> Waiting Really, Really Long to Exhale
14> Prescription: Impossible
13> Being Robert Downey, Jr.
12> Cheech and Chong’s “Saving Private Ryan”
11> Bridget Jones’s Darvocet
10> Good Pill Hunting
9> Schindler’s Spliff
8> Look Who’s Toking
7> A Reefer Runs Through It
6> From Busta to Nelly
5> The Road to El Doritos
4> Peyote Ugly
3> Finding Primo
2> Bender Like Belushi
1> Tootski
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Where do you see…
Question: Where do you see blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde…
Answer: A naked blonde doing cartwheels!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Minerva!Minerva who?Minerva-s wreck
Knock KnockWho’s there?Minerva!Minerva who?Minerva-s wreck from all these questions!
Caught From Above
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.
“How did you know I was speeding?” the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.
“You mean,” asked the motorist, “that even He is against me?”
A memorandum is written not
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
Red wagon
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco.
The pastor of the church was looking at the manager scene when he notice that the baby Jesus figure was missing from the cradle.
He immediately turned and went ouitside and saw a little boy with a red wagon walking down the street. And in the wagon, was the figure of the infant Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, “Son, where did you get that little baby Jesus that is in your wagon?”
The little boy replied, “I got him from the church.”
“And why did you take him?” asked the pastor.
The little boy replied, “Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed to the little Lord Jesus.
I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Three men on a boat
one day there was a jamaican guy a italian guy and a spanish guy. They were on a cruise but all of a sudden the boat started to sink so they each through something off. The italian guy threw off a bottle of wine and says we got plenty of that in our country. Next the jamaican guy throws a box of blunts and says we got plenty of that in my country. Then the spanish guy throws off a bag of rice and says i got plenty of that in my country. Lastly the american captain comes out and throws off the spanish guy and says we got plenty of them in my country
Blowing Chunks!
Ok, so a man walks into a bar in Milwalkee and goes to the bartender, “Give me ANYTHING BUT Coors!!”
And the bartender is like “Dude, this is Colorado, we ONLY sell Coors here!” And the man is like “But I have to drink something OTHER than Coors!!
See, last night I drank a case of Coors, and I blew chunks!!”
And the bartender says “Man, anyone who drank a case of ANY BEER would blow chunks!!”
And the man replies “No, you don’t understand, Chunks is my dog!”
Need Coffee?
A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky passengers onboard a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane “Bob”. The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same, rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use.
When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain’s voice came on over the intercom. “Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn’t it?’ But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I’m happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today’s flight crew, I’d like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston.”
…after a short pause and several clicks “Jeez Man – whadda bitchin’ ride” Boy – I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now'”
As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, “Don’t forget the coffee!”
Did you here about the
Did you here about the ten foot tall 390 pound Aggie football player?
He was killed in a car wreck and they couldn t find a casket large
enough to bury him so they gave him an enema and burried him
in a shoe box.