A little boy walks into a public restroom where a marine is taking a piss. He
says to the marine: “Sir, are you a real marine?” Yeah,”, the guy replied, “
Would you like to wear my hat?” “Yes, please!”, says the boy. So he puts on the
marine’s hat. A sailor walks in. The boy says, “Sir are you a real sailor?”
“Yeah, “, says the sailor ” would you like to suck my dick?” The boy thinks
about it for a minute and replies “No, I’m not a real marine, I’m just wearing
his hat!”
Author: admin
Top 10 Ways To Get Kicked Out Of A Britney Spears Concert
10. Say Christina Aguilera can whup her ass any day9. Lay her for free (Sorry, that’s something that’ll automatically get you IN to a Britney Spears concert)8. Try to pass yourself off as the opening act7. Make fun of Justin Timberlake6. Give her a wedgie5. Pass around pictures of her when she was in the Mickey Mouse Club4. Have legitimate proof that she got breast implants3. Bust her lip-synching2. Point out that her initials are BS1. Wait a minute…why the hell would anyone want to go to a Britney Spears concert in the first place?
Quote on Monica
What did Clinton say when commenting on Monica?
She has the whitest teeth I’ve ever cum across.
artificial inseminat
After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants! “Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?” yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.
“Don’t you want to get pregnant?” asked the doctor. “Well, yes, I do,” answered the woman.
“Then lie back and spread ’em,” replied the doctor. “We’re all out of the bottled stuff. You’ll just have to settle for what’s on tap.”
20/20 Vision
Little Johnny’s neighbor has just had a little boy.
The only problem is that the baby doesn’t have any ears.
Everyone who comes to see the baby compliments the woman on it’s looks, but no one mentions the fact that it doesn’t have any ears.
Suddenly, she sees Little Johnny coming over from next door.
She becomes very worried because she thinks that he is going to make fun of the baby.
When he enters the house, he compliments the baby on everything without mentioning its’ ears.
Without warning, he says, “He has beautiful eyes, does he have 20/20 vision?”
So she thanks him and asks, “Why?”
Finally he says, “Well, it’s a damn good thing because if he didn’t, he wouldn’t have a damn thing to hang his glasses on now would he?”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Rookie is on the job
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner people.”A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off that corner… NOW!”Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”Pretty good,” chuckled the vet, “especially since this is a bus stop.”
35th Anniversary
A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary.
During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and poof, the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.
Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.
He said, “I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.”
So the the fairy picked up her wand and poof, the husband was 90.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
If I Ever Become an Evil Overlord
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, “Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?” My reply will be, “No, just sensible.”
8. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”.
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me — I’ll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy’s death look like an accident: I’m not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn’t believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word “mercy”; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he’s caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
US & IRAQI
IN IRAQ ONE NIGHT AMERICAN ARMY HAD REPORT THERE IS BUNCH OF FEDAYEAN HIDE TO AMBUSH THE ARMY, SARGENT SEND A GROUP TO CAPTURE THEM OR KILL THEM FOR GOOD. THEY WENT ON DARK AND WAIT TO SEE IF THERE IS ANY MOVEMENTS BUT NOTHING THEN THEY PLANED SOMETHING TO CACH THEM. THEY SOURANDED THE AREA AND ONE GUYS FROM WEST WITH LOUD SPEKER SAID HEY MOHAMAD, ABOUT TEN IRAQI NAMED MOHAMAD RAISE AND SAID YES THEN WITH SILENCE GUN AMERICAN SHOOT THEM, ABOUT 10 MINUTES LATER ANOTHER GUYS FROM SOUTH CALL HEY ABDOLHOUSSIN THEN ANOTHER 20 GET UP AND SAID YES THEN ANOTHER SILENCE SHOOT AND ANOTHER GROUP DEAD FINALLY IRAQI SOLDER BECOME SMART AND THEY TRY TO DO THE SAME TRICK TO AMERICAN AND ONE BY ONE CALL HEY JOHN NO REPLY THEN THEY CALL AGAIN HEY ALBERT NO ONE REPLY AGAIN HEY GEORGE NOTHING HAPPEN. SO AFTER WHILE AMERICAN GO AGAIN AND SAID HOW WAS LOOKING FOR JOHN, ALBERT AND GEORGE?
THEN ALL IRAQI STAND AND SAID WE ARE AND BOOM ALL SHOOT TO DEAD WITH SILENCED GUN !!!
Difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
Diff Between Gender Dreams
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating
hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
En una maternidad hay un
En una maternidad hay un tipo del Congo, un sueco y un argentino. Sale la enfermera y dice:
“Tenemos un problema. Se nos confundieron los bebes y ahora no sabemos cual bebe es cual. Tenemos 2 blancos y uno negro.”
Los tres nuevos papas deciden sacar a la suerte para ver quien escoge a su bebe primero, y gana el sueco. El sueco entra a la maternidad, sale con el bebe negro y el del Congo le dice: “Mire bwana, el bebe es negro, yo soy negro, mi esposa es negra, as� que este bebe es m�o. Agarre uno de los blancos.”
“�Est� loco? �Y si me toca el argentino?”