Chemists dont die, they fail to react.
Author: admin
Jose
What did the Mexican fireman name his twin sons?
Jose and Hose B
Air Force Denies Stories of UFO Crash
MARS AIR FORCE DENIES STORIES OF UFO CRASHValles Marineris (MPI) – A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that ‘the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft’.The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, ‘bouncing’ several times before coming to a stop, ‘deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases’. Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Force’s explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the ‘other-worldly’ nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy’s statements as evidence of ‘an obvious government cover-up’, pointing out that Mars has no swamps.
Men writing the rules
If Men Were to Rewrite “The Rules”Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way. Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Irishman englishman scotsman
irishman englishman scotsman in a bar discussing their daughters.englishman says”i thought i knew my daughter but the other day i went in her room and found a bottle of vodka under her bed! i didnt even know she drank!” scotsman says” u think thats bad? i went in my daughters room yesterday and found 20 ciggies at the side of her bed! i didnt even know she smoked!” the irishman piped up” u think thats bad do u? i went in my daughters room last nite and found a packet of condoms on the floor! i didnt even know she had a dick!!!!!!”
Yo Momma
Your momma is so ugly…
She has to get the baby drunk just to breast feed him.
Gov’t
Don’t steal… The government doesn’t like competition!
If I Ever Become an Evil Overlord
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, “Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?” My reply will be, “No, just sensible.”
8. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”.
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me — I’ll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy’s death look like an accident: I’m not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn’t believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word “mercy”; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he’s caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
If at first you don’t
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.
Real marine
A little boy walks into a public restroom where a marine is taking a piss. He
says to the marine: “Sir, are you a real marine?” Yeah,”, the guy replied, “
Would you like to wear my hat?” “Yes, please!”, says the boy. So he puts on the
marine’s hat. A sailor walks in. The boy says, “Sir are you a real sailor?”
“Yeah, “, says the sailor ” would you like to suck my dick?” The boy thinks
about it for a minute and replies “No, I’m not a real marine, I’m just wearing
his hat!”
If Murphy’s Law can go
If Murphy’s Law can go wrong, it will.
20/20 Vision
Little Johnny’s neighbor has just had a little boy.
The only problem is that the baby doesn’t have any ears.
Everyone who comes to see the baby compliments the woman on it’s looks, but no one mentions the fact that it doesn’t have any ears.
Suddenly, she sees Little Johnny coming over from next door.
She becomes very worried because she thinks that he is going to make fun of the baby.
When he enters the house, he compliments the baby on everything without mentioning its’ ears.
Without warning, he says, “He has beautiful eyes, does he have 20/20 vision?”
So she thanks him and asks, “Why?”
Finally he says, “Well, it’s a damn good thing because if he didn’t, he wouldn’t have a damn thing to hang his glasses on now would he?”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis