Yours Fun Portal !
A blonde lady and a man are in an elevator. The blonde obviously
just ending a hard day of work and says, “T.G.I.F.”
The man sort of laughing and says, “S.H.I.T.”
The lady frusrated says again, “T.G.I.F.”
Again the man says, “S.H.I.T.”
The lady turns to the man and says, “How dare you swear in the
presence of a lady! T.G.I.F.; thank god it’s friday.”
The man turns to her and says, “I wasn’t swearing! S.H.I.T.; sorry
honey it’s thursday.”
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
There is a bus load of people on a bus that just came from a track meet. They were driving down the road and they got a hole in the tire and they stopped and got out. The blonde got out and seen the hole was on the top of the tire and asked how do you get a hole on top of the tire?
There stood two blondes, one on each side of a river.
The blonde on the East bank yelled across “Hey, How do you get to the
other side of the river?”
The blonde on the West bank looked up river, then down river then yelled
back her reply “You are on the other side of the river!”
Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air. No one knows your secret place. ou are in total seclusion from that hectic place called “the world”. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person you’re holding under the water. There now…..feeling better???
En un pueblecito hay dos familias jud�as, y quieren casar a las hijas; pero como no hay chicos judios en el pueblo, deciden unirse para buscarlos por los pueblos de los alrededores. Finalmente encuentran dos excelentes partidos, y les invitan a que vayan a conocer el pueblo. Pero resulta que uno de los j�venes se arrepiente por el camino, y s�lo uno de ellos llega. Y es una joyita, as� que las dos familias lo quieren. Total, que las dos familias empiezan a discutir de quien es el novio, y como la cosa no se aclara, deciden hablar con el rabino m�s viejo de los alrededores.
“Lo que haremos es muy simple. Partiremos al chico por la mitad, y le daremos un trozo a cada familia para que no haya discusiones.”
Entonces la madre de una de las novias dice: “No, por favor, pobre muchacho, �c�mo le van a hacer eso?”
Pero la otra madre dice: “�Eso! �Eso! �Que lo partan! �Que lo descuarticen!”
Entonces el rabino mira a la segunda madre que gritaba con los ojos inyectados en sangre y le dice: “El chico se casa con su hija; usted es la verdadera suegra.”
10. “Did anyone think about bringing a couple ofumbrellas?”9. “Hey, there are more than two flies in here!”8. “Wasn’t someone supposed to put two shovels on board?”7. “OK, who’s the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes onboard?”6. “Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!”5. “Don’t Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!”4. “No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!”3. “And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out.”2. “Nice Doggie!”AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH’S ARK…..1. “Are We There Yet?”
The two men stood on the lonely lighthouse. Through the fog they could see a small boat making its way toward them, with a lonely occupant. Suddenly a squall lifted the craft and tossed the man into the water. The two men on shore sprang into action. Hurriedly they launched their own craft and fought their way through perilous and treacherous waters to reach the man. At last they got him aboard their boat.”It’s a good thing you rescued me,” the dripping man said gratefully.”I was coming out to see you about your income tax.”
It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a
Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said
“Give me Liberty, or give me Death?”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.
“Patrick Henry, 1775.”
“Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the
people, shall not perish from the earth'”?
Again, no response except from Suzuki: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki who
is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “F–k the Japanese.”
“Who said that?” she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee I Acocca, 1982.”
At that point, a student in the back sighed, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glares and asks ‘All right! Now, who said that?”
Again, Suzuki says, “George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
“Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, ” You little shit if you ever
say anything else I will have you killed.”
Suzuki is frantic and yells at the top of his voice,
“Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”
The teacher fainted.
yo mammas so fat she sat on Walmart and lowerd all the prices.
A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t
realized it yet.
Tech Support hotlines are not easy work, you get calls from all sorts of idiotic users that apparently can’t read a manual, or lack common sense. Here is a transcript of just one such case:
Caller “Hello is this Packard Bell Tech support?”
Tech “Yes how can I help you?”
Caller “The cup holder on front of my computer broke off and it is still under warranty, how do I go about getting it fixed?”
Tech “Excuse, you’ve stumped me. How did you get this cup holder, was it part of some promotion?”
Caller “It came with the computer, I don’t know of any promotion.”
Tech “Does it have any markings on it, any names, any symbols?”
Caller “Yes, it says 4X!”