Yours Fun Portal !
10. She’s a goblin!
9. I’d like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag….OH!-You’re having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She’s got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
5. If you just lick it, it’ll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and I’ll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He’s got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
12> Glenn Close’s corpse found floating in a hot tub.
11> Always a line for carrots in the produce section.
10> “Another Oscar? For me? Doc, you shouldn’t have!”
9> Time’s Men of the Year: Prince Charles and Ross Perot
8> Within a week of each other, Bob Guccione and Larry Flynt both meet an untimely demise.
7> Cocoa Puffs and Raisinets. Everywhere you look, Cocoa Puffs and Raisinets.
6> Kids start wearing their ears long and droopy.
5> Dozens of checks voided after “Year of the Rat” written in the date.
4> Much better TV reception.
3> You’re overcome by an incredible urge to mate indiscriminately and produce as many offspring as possible. (Or was that the Year Of The NBA Player?)
2> Scientists in the Mary Kay testing lab getting laid off by the dozen.
1> A desperate Al Stewart is forced to use the word “dagnabbit” in a rhyme.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]Why aren’t Hindu and Chinese people allowed to play hockey?
Because everytime they go into the corner, they open up a convenience store.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by blueindiansquaw
At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, “No.” A clerk came over and asked, “May I help you?” “I don’t know,” said the woman. “Do you have any ‘Sorry I laughed at your dick’ cards?”
MARS AIR FORCE DENIES STORIES OF UFO CRASHValles Marineris (MPI) – A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that ‘the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft’.The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, ‘bouncing’ several times before coming to a stop, ‘deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases’. Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Force’s explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the ‘other-worldly’ nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy’s statements as evidence of ‘an obvious government cover-up’, pointing out that Mars has no swamps.
A woman approaches her priest and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”What do they say?’ the priest inquires.’They only know how to say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?””That’s terrible,’ the priest exclaims, ‘but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots that I taught to pray and recite the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”Thank you,’ the woman responds.The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The woman puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots.Immediately, the female parrots say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?’One of the male parrots looks over at the other male parrot and says, ‘Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered.’
Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?A: False.
How can one believe in survival of the fittest when you look at
some of the people running around in jogging shorts?
Next time a friend ask for help, tell him to go to www.canuhelpme.us
I know somewere inside of me there is a sober man trying to get out.
A six pack usually shuts him up.
In an interview, Pamela Anderson said that if she were Hillary, she would have left President Clinton a long time ago.
In response, Clinton said, “Well if Pamela Anderson were Hillary, nothing would ever have happened in the first place!”
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
“O.K,” I said, “let’s do it.”
“Stand up here real close” she said,
(She got my boob in line,)
“And tell me when it hurts,” she said,
“Ah yes! Right there, that’s fine.”
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter’s in a vice!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it’s vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
“Take a deep breath” she said to me,
Who does she think she’s kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
“There, that’s good,” I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
“Now, let’s have a go at the other one.”
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I’ll bet SHE’S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone “ker-pow!”
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I’d like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.