Author: admin

Redneck Q&A

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Q: What is a Redneck’s defense in court?

A: “Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence.”

Q: Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?

A: It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Q: What do they call “Hee Haw” in West Virginia?

A: A documentary

Q: What do they call it in Kentucky?

A: “Life Styles of the Rich and Famous”

Q: How many rednecks does it take eat a ‘possum?

A: Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

Q: Why did God invent armadillos?

A: So that rednecks can have ‘possum on the halfshell.

Beautiful?

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There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery,
and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,
�You’re beautiful!� and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple
minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said �You’re cute!� Well, the wife
was dissapointed because instead of �beautiful� it was �cute.� She said �What
happened to �beautiful�?

His reply was �The drugs are wearing off!�

God won't Budge

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Moses comes down from Mount Sinai after a long day of negotiating with God. He looks very tired, but the Israelites are very anxious to hear what he has to say.He says, “I have some good news and some bad news… … the good news is that I got him down to only ten commandments. … the bad news is that he wouldn’t budge on the adultery issue”

Flapping Arms for Boob Balloon

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A woman wanted to have bigger boobs, so she went to the doctor’s
office. While in the doctor’s office she met a guy and they
talked for a while, then the doctor called her in.

After hearing what she wanted done, he gave her boob-balloons
and told her, “Put them on and when ever you want them to get
bigger flap your arms.” So she left the doctors offie feeling
very happy.

That night she decided to go to a bar to show off her new boobs.
She flapped her arms and made her boobs the size she wanted. In
the bar a guy came up to her and said, “I remeber you.” So she
asked, “From where?” The guy, while flapping his legs, replied,
“From the doctor’s office.”

Quotes from Women

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“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.” — Hedy Lamarr

“When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.” — Elayne Boosler

“I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.” — Gilda Radner

“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.” — Maryon Pearson

“In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.” — Margaret Thatcher

“I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.” — Gloria Steinem

“Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.” — Gloria Steinem

“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” — Katharine Hepburn

“Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.” — Baroness Edith Summerskill

“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?” — Linda Ellerbee

Dentist

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A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”

The guy, surprised, says “Yes….how did you figure that out?”

“Easy,” she replied. “You keep washing your hands.”

One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, “You must be a really good dentist.”

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Well yes, I’m a good dentist. How did you figure that out?”

“I didn’t feel a thing!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Watching for suicide

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Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you’re planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him.Apparently, just to anger him.

Chinese Detective

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A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese
detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might
develop.
A few days later he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house. I watch house. He comes to house. I watch. He and she leave
house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree – look in window. He kisses she. She kisses he. He strips her.
She strips he. He plays with she. She plays with he. I play with ME. Fall out of
tree, not see.

NO FEE.