Q: What would Princess Di be doing if she were still alive?
A: Scratching like hell to get out of her coffin!
Author: admin
Lawyers advice
Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic ocean.
After 37 hours in the air, George says “Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are.”
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, “I still can’t tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground.”
So Harry yells down to the man, “Hey, pardon me but could you tell us where we are?”
The man on the ground yells back, “You’re in a balloon 100 feet up in the air.”
George turns to Harry and says, “that man is a lawyer.”
“How can you tell?”, inquires Harry.
George answers, “Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless.”
Some Blonde Joke Quickies
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Q. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
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Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A. “Look! They spelled MACY’s wrong!”
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Q. Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A. Her blinker was on.
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Q. What do you call a blond skeleton in a clothes closet?
A. The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion.
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Q. How did the blonde hurt herself while raking the leaves?
A. She fell out of the tree
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Q. How do you get a twinkle in a blonde’s eye?
A. Shine a flashlight in her ear.
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Q. Why did God give every blonde two more brain cells than a cow?
A. So they don’t moo-moo when you pull on their tits.
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Q. How do blonde brain cells die?
A. Alone.
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Geology word plays
Several short geology plays on wordsOkay, if you are a real geologist, you probably enjoy transferring geology vocabulary into everyday situations. For example, if you agree with what someone has said, you may say, You breccia! or My sediments exactly! And if you are not pleased with the person’s statement, you may resort to the old: That’s not gneiss!
Blondes and steering wheels
Why do blondes think adjustable sterring wheels are funny?
There is more head room.
Sexual Position
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her,”There must be something you’re doing that you haven’t told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?””Well,” she said a little sheepishly, “my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.””That’s got to be it,” said the doctor. “There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.””Not if you’re going to watch TV, there aren’t,” she replied.
You momma
Your mommas so fat that when it she had her rain coat on, people started shouting “Taxi, taxi”
Spiders
Q: Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
You look familiar…….
You look familiar, did I see you in the zoo parade ?
I think you may have seen me at the zoo, I was the one who was feeding you peanuts.
I understand that’s Animal Magic is your favorite show because so many of your relatives are on it.
I know your trying to insult me, but I know you like me. I can see your tail wagging.
That’s funny you calling me an animal, and it’s you that has the webbed feet.
You look familiar too, but that’s not surprising, I collect bugs for a hobby.
You look familiar too, have I ever seen you hanging by the tail from the tree in my garden ?
Didn’t I dissect you in a biology class one time ?
The holes
A blonde was helping her mother in the kitchen by filling the salt shaker. 30 minutes later her moter asked,”why aren’t you done yet?” She replied, ” Mommy it’s so hard to get the salt through the little holes!”
Love
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over.
The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is.
“Well,” the man says, “I ran foul of one of those questions women ask. Now I’m in the doghouse.”
“What kind of question?” the neighbour asks.
“My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly.”
“That’s easy,” says the neighbour. “You just say, ‘Of course I will'”.
“Yeah,” says the other man, “that’s what I meant to say. But what came out was, ‘Of course I do.'”
Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis
Advice for Clinton
Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, ‘George, you were always wise, what should I do?’ Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, ‘ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER.’ Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President thinks he’ll try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request. ‘Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally people behind me?’ Again a voice from above answers, ‘WELFARE, ITS NOT WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER.’ After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial. ‘Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me what should I do?’After a substantial pause Abe responds, ‘TAKE THE DAY OFF GO TO THE THEATER.’