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Al cruzar por delante de un escaparate, un tontiland�s se ve reflejado en el cristal, lo que provoca que se pase todo el d�a pensando:
“�De qu� conozco yo a ese t�o que estaba en el escaparate? �D�nde lo he visto?”
Por la noche, ya acostado sigue d�ndole vueltas en la cabeza y al fin cae en cuenta:
“�Co�o, ya lo s�! �Es �l que se corta el pelo delante de m� en la peluquer�a!”
“I have decided to abolish all corporal punishment at this school,” said the principal at morning assembly.
“That means that there will be no physical punishment.”
A voice is heard from the back, “Does that mean that we don’t have to eat school meals any more, sir?”
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo
A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a customers door saying “I need 45 gallons of milk. ” He knocked on the door and a beautiful dumb blond answered it.
“Is this a mistake?” the milkman asked.
“No,” she said, “I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac.”
“Really,” replied the milkman. “Do you want that pasteurized?”
“No, up to my breasts would be fine,” she said.
Mind over matter… if you don’t mind it doesn’t matter.
Four guys were telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves to go to the restroom.
Three guys are left… The first guy says, “I was worried that my son was going
to be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns
out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that
he bought the dealership. In fact, he’s so successful that he just gave his best
friend a new Mercedes for his birthday.”
The second guy says, “I was worried about my son too because he started out
raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a
commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact
he’s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his
birthday.”
The third guy says, “Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a
brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns
the brokerage firm. In fact, he’s so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1
million in stock for his birthday.”
The fourth guy comes back from the restroom. The first three explain that they
are telling stories about their kids so he says, “Well, I’m embarrassed to admit
that my son IS a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is
STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he’s gay and
has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look at the bright side; his boyfriends
just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house and $1 million in stock for his
birthday.”
A priest settled into a chair in a lawyer’s office.
“Is it true,” said the Priest, “that your firm does not charge members of the clergy?”
“I’m afraid you’re misinformed,” stated the lawyer, “People in your profession can look forward to a reward in the next world, but we lawyers have to take ours in this one.”
Estaban el Sol y la Luna en un eclipse, y el Sol comienza a molestarla dici�ndole:
“Luna, eres una puta, eres una puta, puta, puta, puta…”
Ofendida, la Luna le cuestiona:
“�Por qu� me dices eso?”
“Porque solamente sales de noche y andas de cuarto en cuarto: de cuarto menguante a cuarto creciente, en fin, no sales de un cuarto”.
M�s ofendida a�n, la Luna murmura:
“Me tengo que vengar. �Qu� le dir�? �Qu� le dir�?”
Y pasan los a�os y se vuelven a encontrar en un eclipse esperado y le dice la Luna al Sol:
“Oye Sol, eres un pendejo, pendejo, pendejo, pendejo, pendejo…”
“Oye, espera. �Por qu� me dices eso?”
“Porque llevas miles de a�os calentando a la Tierra y nunca te la has cogido”.
A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says, �Are you my daddy?� The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, �Are you my daddy?� The doctor says, �No, I’m not your father.� They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked, �Are you my daddy?� And the father says, �Yes, I am!� So, the baby pops out of the mother’s womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying, �How do you like that?! How do you like that?!�
The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.
Q: How do I know if I’m ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He’ll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they’re not as emotionally confused as women. It’s a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you’ve finished making love, he’ll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don’t feel left out – while he’s gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He’ll come back when he’s ready.
Q: What is “after play”?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. “After play” is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover’s sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There’s no such thing. It’s a myth!
TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.CLINTON VIDEO: Let’s not go there.TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.CLINTON VIDEO: Monica’s forced to return her gifts.TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton’s approval rating is at 70 percent.TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.
*Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f…… manual) to show that they’re “hip” to the lingo. Make up your own that don’t stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for (“You don’t know? RDFM”).*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON’T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU’RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!*When replying to your mail, correct everyone’s grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don’t otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your ‘creative criticism,” do it again. Continue until they go away.*Software and files offered on-line are often “compressed” so that it won’t take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like “Thanks.”*Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like “SexyHouseWives,” then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload’s popularity.*cc: all your E-mail to ([email protected] ) so that he can keep track of what’s happening on the information Superhighway Internet.*Join a discussion group, and tie whatever’s being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you’re in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you.
your mommas so dumb she failed a blood test