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Great Starting Salary

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Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.

“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”

“How’s that?” the would be accountant asked.

“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”

“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much will my position pay?”

“I’ll start you at eighty five thousand,” responded the owner decisively.

“Eighty five thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”

“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry. Now get to fuckin’ work!”

Bubba hunting

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Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of
Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before.
When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot,
“We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!”

The pilot regretfully explained, “Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with
the weight of two elk. You’ll have to leave the other two behind.”

Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. “We won’t allow you to fly
this plane out without all four elk,” Jake demanded.

The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of
them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine
started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground.

Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, “Do you
have any idea where we are?”

Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, “Yes! We’re about a mile from where
we crashed last year.”

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist…

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A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street
cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other
side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a
while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist: “The measurement wasn’t accurate.”

The Biologist’s conclusion: “They have reproduced”.

The Mathematician: “If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it
will be empty again.”

Confession

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

“And so,” says St. Peter, “have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

“Well,” says the first nun in line, “I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.”

“OK,” says St. Peter, “dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

The next nun admits, “Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”

“OK,” says St. Peter, “rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

“Well now, what’s going on here?” says St. Peter.

“Well, your excellency,” says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, “If I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.”

Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis

A law firm receptionist answered

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A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm’s senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

”Is Mr. Smith there?”, asked the client on the phone.

”I’m very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night,” the receptionist answered.

”Is Mr. Smith there?”, repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. ”Perhaps you didn’t understand me I’m afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night.”

”Is Mr. Smith there?”, asked the client again.

”Ma’am, do you understand what I’m saying?”, said the exasperated receptionist. ”Mr. Smith is DEAD!”

”I understand you perfectly,” the client sighed. ”I just can’t hear it often enough.”

Chicken

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Walking into the bar, Mike said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah?” said Greg “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Mike replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”

“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”

“She said, come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit.”

Submitted by Curtis

Ways to confuse a roommate

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These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.158. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.