A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this
creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into
the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is
not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole
individual for an offense committed by his limb.” “Well
put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany
it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his
lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it
on the bench, and walked out.
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Question answer
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?He was the skipper! How do hens encourage their football teams?They egg them on!
Knock Knock Joke
Will you know me tommorow? Will you next week? Will you know me next year? Will you know me in two years? Okay then. Knock Knock. Whos their? I thought that you said you would know me.
Friends don’t let Friends drive
Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com
I Want To Be Weighed
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park.
They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
“What would you like to do next?” he asked.
“I wanna be weighed,” she said.
So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.
“One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
“I wanna be weighed,” she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”
“Wousy,” said the girl.
Road Sex
‘Road sex’ blamed for mystery crashesby David Williams, Motoring CorrespondentA deadly new syndrome is stalking the highways and byways of the world, according to a new report today — ”road sex”.It is claimed that the phenomenon could explain scores of mystery road crashes each year.A national poll in Australia has revealed that almost half the drivers questioned are guilty of road sex — indulging in sexual fantasies or ”sexual anger” while behind the wheel.Research suggests that after drink-driving, the second biggest killer on Australian roads is lack of concentration, often caused by those fantasies.The finding emerged during a four-year study into driver behaviour and the state of the mind immediately preceding a crash. Forty-two per cent of those surveyed admitted to indulging in sexual fantasies or experiencing ”sexual anger” while out on the road.Psychologist John Cheetham, who analysed the research for an insurance firm, said: ”Sexual frustration and irritability go together. But irritability and motor vehicles are not compatible.”If we can get into the mind of the driver in the hours leading up to an accident, we might hold the key to more effective driver education and road- accident prevention.”RAC spokesman Edmund King said there was hope for British drivers. ”We do not feel that the typical UK driver has enough time to get lost in sexual fantasies on the road,” he said.”In the UK the emotions that spill over tend to be frustration, anger and ‘road rage’ aimed at other drivers.”Perhaps the freedom of the Australian highway is more conducive to sexual fantasies than the congested UK motorways.”
Yo mamma killed herself
Yo mamma is so fat she fell back and her stomach smashed her head in.
Indecent Exposure
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, “Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”She says, “Why, officer?””Because your breast is hanging out.”She looks down and says, “OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!”
Myth
A women who doesn’t have a husband.
Hellen Keller
What 3 things did Hellen Keller’s parents do to punish her?
1. Locked her in a circular room and told her to go stand in the corner.
2.Rearanged the furniture when she didn’t know.
3.Left a plunger sitting in the toilet.
Dad sends his boy to store
One day dad sent his 5 year old sun to the store for a cocker spaniel,butter and a bucket. So he goes to the pet store and says I need a cockitspanket,a what a cockitspankit,oh you must mean a cocker spaniel,yea yea sure whatever. So he goes to the store and says i need some butt, what,some but.Oh you must mean some butter.Yea yea sure whatever.So he goes to the hardware store and says I need a fucket,a what,a fucket, oh.You must mean a bucket.Yea yea sure whatever.So while hes walking outside his cocker spaniel runs away and the boy runs into this hobo and says hold my but and fucket while I get my cockitspankit.
Car Vs Computer
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success.
He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.
The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.
Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.
In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.
In response to all this goading, GM responds: “Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?