Un tipo anda de visita

Un tipo anda de visita en China, pero no tiene lugar donde quedarse. Tras mucho buscar encuentra alojamiento en el d�cimo piso de un edificio.

El anciano due�o le advierte: “Tengo que decile que yo tenel helmosa hija que dolmil junto a su cualto, se�ol, pelo si algo llegal a pasale a ella, ust�d lecibil� los tles castigos chinos.”

El tipo se va a dormir y por la noche se levanta al ba�o, ve a la hermosa hija del chino y sin acordarse de la advertencia del anciano se acuesta con la muchacha.

A la ma�ana siguiente, el tipo se iba a despedir, pero en la cama encuentra un papelito que dice:

“Primer castigo chino: roca sobre las piernas” y en ese momento, de la nada cae una enorme roca que lo aplasta. Sin embargo, el hombre saca fuerzas y tira la roca por la ventana.

En eso, otro papelito cae: “Segundo castigo: la roca est� amarrada al huevo izquierdo”.

El tipo no lo piensa m�s y se tira por la ventana. Al ir cayendo, ve que en su camisa est� escrito “el tercer castigo chino: �huevo derecho amarrado a la cabecera de la cama!”

Heartburn

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, “Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy.” The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.”Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy”, again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, “Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn.”Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, “Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray.”

Irish dui

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically.
He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

”Aye, so I have. ‘Ties Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the
pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ‘Happy
Hour’ and they served these mar-gar-itos, which are quite good. I had four or
five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o’ course I had to go
in for a couple of Guinness — couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the
way home to get another bottle for later…” And the man fumbled around in his
coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, ”Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the
car and take a breathalyzer test.”

”Why? Don’t ye believe me?”

dead end date bob

there once was man who was very bored. he watched tv played a
game and listended to music but he was still bored.

so the man (bob)dicided to join a dating service so he wouldnt
always be so bored. on his first date bob meets a young blonde
girl in her mid 20s. bob is very attracted to her and trys to
make his move. while watching a movie at a drivr in bob starts
to touch her. he slowly touches her parts but she doesnt seem to
notice. so bob finally hits her really and she screams really
loud, for bob had broke her arm.

the blonde brings the case to court so bob would have to pay
medical expences. the blonde win the case and bob is forced to
pay 300 dallors.

bob goes on another date this time with a blonde in her early
20s. this time they go to a pool for a swim. bob tries to make
his move on this girl to. while the girl is swimming bob
“accedently” touched her breasts. the girl is affended a slaps
bob and goes home.

bob goes on many bad dates and is know for it. no girl in the
area even ties to go out with bob so bob moves to a city in new
york ware he gets a new job in the world trade center and signs
up at aanother dating service.

on bobs first date at the new service he goes out with a very
hot blonde girl. they imeditly fall in love and get married.

after 15 years of being married thay get a divorve. bob is
know45 years old and has lost all is hair and is very
unatractive so no one is willing to date him. so bob is bored
for many more years until he is 60 and goes to an retirement
home. there he meets some old chicks. he falls in love with one
on person exept it is a guy.

the guy and bob move to texas where they get a legal gay
marrige. they live happly for 10 years until the guy dies from a
oversized anus.(i wonder how that happened) bob is very sad but
wants to have another partner so he goes date hunting again. bob
goes on many dead end dates with old men.

one day bob dies because one of dates was a pysco killer and
murdered him. in hevan bob goes up to st. peter. there are only
6 other people in line so st. peter says the man who had the
worst life will be the only won to get to hevan. the first man
says how he was in the army for 30 years and faght all his life
nd how he died from being tortured to death.

all the other men in line to get into hevan tell their life
story which were all far worse then bobs but bob was the one who
got into hevan. all the other men were angerd by st. peters
chioce and asked why they chose bob.

this is what st. peter said ” every gay manwho has died has gone
to hell. bob is the first gay man to come to hevan. i want him
for myself!

Dos borrachos que no ten�an

Dos borrachos que no ten�an un duro y estaban locos por tomarse un trago conversan:

“Oye Pepe, tengo unas ganas de tomarme un trago!!!”

“Yo tambi�n, Manolo, pero no tenemos un duro.”

“Bueno Pepe, yo tengo una idea. F�jate bien, compramos una salchicha grande y nos vamos a un bar. Empezamos a tomar y cuando el bartender nos venga a cobrar yo me meto la salchicha por el pamtal�n y me la saco por la porta�uela y tu empiezas a mamar como si fuera una polla. De seguro que nos botan del bar por inmorales y no pagamos, �qu� te parece?”

“Fant�stico, Manolo, vamos a hacerlo!”

“S� Pepe, pero yo empiezo con la salchicha, yo fui el de la idea.”

“Bien Manolo, lo que tu digas.”

Se fueron a un bar y toma que toma hasta que estuvieron medio borrachos. Cuando vieron que el bartender les ven�a a cobrar, Manolo se sac� la salchicha por la porta�uela y Pepe se agach� a mamar. El bartender exclam�: “�Inmorales, maricones, fuera, fuera de mi bar!” y salieron riendo a la calle y sin pagar.

Asi estuvieron toda la noche de bar en bar tomando de gratis usando el truco de la salchicha.
Cuando estaban en el bar numero siete y preparados para hacer el truco otra vez Pepe le dice a Manolo:

“Oye Manolo, ya estoy cansado de ser yo siempre quien coja la salchicha para mamar, ahora en este bar p�same la salchicha a mi y ponte tu a mamar”.

Y Manolo le responde:

“�Qu� salchicha Pepe?, �la salchicha se me qued� en el primer bar!”

A flat excuse

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the directions: ‘For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points, tell me WHICH tire it was!’

Aviation Guide

Takeoff’s are optional. Landings are mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back — then they get bigger again)

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

It’s better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

It’s best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

Every one already knows the definition of a ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a ‘great’ landing. It’s one after which you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.

You know you’ve landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down – all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can’t really fly – they’re just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain …. but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

It’s easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

Remember, you’re always a student in an airplane.

Keep looking around; there’s always something you’ve missed.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses — the best you can hope for is a draw!

You start out flying with a bag of luck and a bag of experience, the trick is to get your bag of experience full before your bag of luck is empty.

One Drink too many!

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.
“You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face.”
“He’s an asshole – piss on him!”
“You did,” Louise informed him. “And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday!”