Q.What Do You Call 3 Hispanics, a Chinese man and 4 Black people lined up?
A. A Sprinkler: Spick, Spick, Spick, CHINK! NiggaNiggaNiggaNigga (You gotta say this fast and emphasize the capitalized word)
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Minister gives sermon
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”
Assholes
When there is a hole in the street its called a pot hole. I dont see any pot growing in it. Why not just call it an asshole its on the asfalt.
Buried in the right suit
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?”But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.He says, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So… I switched the heads.”
Thanksgiving Dinner
There’s a little boy. He goes up into his brothers room and his
brother is listenin to a CD and the CD says I’m gonna cut off
your boobs and your balls. And the little boy asked what are
boobs and balls? And the brother says it means hats and coats.
Then the boy goes down to his dad where his dad is shaving.
And his dad cuts him self with the razer blade. And yells SHIT.
The boy asked what does that mean. And the dad says it means
shaving.
So then the boy goes to his mom where she is cutting the
turkey. And she cuts her self with a knife. And she yells FUCK.
and the boy asked what does that mean. The mom answers cutting
the turkey.
So then the door bell rings and the little boy goes over to
the door and answers it. And he says may I take your boobs and
balls. Then the people at the door say where are your parents
young man? Then the boy says dad is in the back shitting while
Mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.
Make up your mind.
This woman goes into a dentist’s office, after he is through examining her he says: “I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth.”
The woman then says: “Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I’d rather have a baby!”
To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind lady, I’ll have to adjust the chair!”
God is Love
Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a
question. Abort, Retry, Fail?
Una noche, una chica ten�a
Una noche, una chica ten�a invitaci�n para asistir a una fiesta. Le pide permiso a su padre, qui�n est� sentado en el sof�:
“Pap�, pap�, hoy tengo una fiesta �me dejas ir?”.
“�No!”
“Pero pap�, es la fiesta de mi mejor amiga”.
“�No!”
“Papi, por favor”.
“Est� bien, pero primero, ch�pame la pinga”.
“�Pero pap�, yo soy tu hija!”
“�Ch�pala!”
“�Esto no puede ser pap�!”
“�Ch�pamela!”
“�Est� bien, todo sea por una fiesta!”.
Y en eso se la chupa y finaliza diciendo:
“�Pap�, antes de ir te puedo preguntar algo?”
“Dime, hija”.
“�Por qu� la verga te sabe a mierda?”
“�Ah, es que tu hermano quiso ir al estadio!”
Un tipo es detenido por
Un tipo es detenido por un oficial de caminos cuando conduc�a hacia su casa en compa��a de su esposa.
“�Cu�l es el problema oficial?”
“Manejaba a 120 en una zona de 80”.
“No se�or, iba a 85”.
“No es cierto Luis, ibas a 110”, dice la esposa.
El tipo le echa una mirada de advertencia a su mujer.
“Tambi�n lo voy a multar por traer una de las luces descompuesta”, le advierte el oficial.
“�Luz? �Cu�l luz? No ten�a idea de eso”.
“No te hagas Luis, esa luz est� descompuesta desde hace m�s de 6 semanas”, objeta su mujer.
Esta vez le echa una mirada equivalente a 17 cachetadas.
“Tambi�n lo multar� por no usar el cintur�n de seguridad”.
“Pero si me lo quit� en el momento que me detuvo”.
“Por favor, Luis, si t� nunca lo utilizas”.
Esta vez Luis no soporta y le da un buen grito a su mujer: “�Cierra el pico!”
“Se�ora, �su esposo le habla as� normalmente?”
“No, s�lo cuando est� tomado”.
Jewish tires (mildly derogatory)
Q: Did you hear about the new brand of tires – Firestein? A: They not only stop on a dime, they pick it up.
2 Parents
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says…”Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!” The mom says…”the bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says…”Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy’s!” The mom says…”the bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says…”Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !”
The Amazing Crescan
The Amazing Crescan is going to be putting out an album this Christmas.
It’s called, “Your Dreaming of a White Christmas.”