admin – Page 3957 – Purpee Jokes

Love and Marriage!

Posted on January 17, 2015January 17, 2007 by admin

I’m really steamed at my wife. She is so immature!
Last night I was taking a bath and she came in and sunk all my little boats!

But I’m really a lucky guy. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I was sick and stayed home from work. She was so happy to have me home, that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or deliveryman, she’d shout, ‘My husbands home! My husband’s home!’

What a gal I married!

And for everyone that’s still single, some notes on marriage…
…Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
…Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
…Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss.
…Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
…Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
…Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced!

Hearing Voices

Posted on January 17, 2015January 17, 2007 by admin

Man: Doc, you’ve gotta help me. I’m hearing voices but I don’t see people. Doc: And when are you hearing these voices? Man: When I’m on the telephone.

Is he dead?

Posted on January 16, 2015January 16, 2007 by admin

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “Bubba is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says, “OK, now what?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

Hillary & Newt

Posted on January 16, 2015January 16, 2007 by admin

In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan.

The press is making a big deal out this thing with Newt but, hey, if anyone knows how to appear in public with a man she can’t stand, it’s Hillary.”
-Jay Leno

Christmas Breakfast

Posted on January 16, 2015January 16, 2007 by admin

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, ”I’ll just have the eggs Benedict.” His order comes a while later and it’s served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, ”What’s with the hubcap?” The waiter sings, ”O, there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”

No paper in here…

Posted on January 16, 2015January 16, 2007 by admin

An old drunk stumbles into a confessional.

After not hearing anything for a while, the priest knocked on the wall.

The drunk said, “Forget it buddy, there’s no paper in here either.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

The Mule

Posted on January 16, 2015January 16, 2007 by admin

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Jake’s wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.

Suddenly, Jake’s old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake’s minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down, but when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, “Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?”

“Well,” Jake replied, “the women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, ‘Is that mule for sale?’ and I shook my head, no.”

Memory test

Posted on January 16, 2015January 16, 2007 by admin

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.

The doctor asks the first old man, “What is three times three?”

“It’s 274”, the first man replies.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, “Your turn. What is three times three?”

“Tuesday”, replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, “OK, your turn. What’s three times three?”

“Nine”, says the third man.

“Yes!” says the doctor. “How did you get that?”

“Jeez, Doc, it’s pretty simple”, says the third man. “I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Blind Lumber Man

Posted on January 16, 2015January 16, 2007 by admin

A blind man went to a lumber yard for a job. The boss didn’t want to just tell him no, so he told him that if he could pass a test, he’d hire him. He had one of his employees take him out back to identify some lumber. He brought the man to a pile of pine paneling, the man walked around the pile and sniffed, correctly identifying it as pine paneling.The employee thought, “How did he do that?” Next he took him to a pile of 2×4’s. These he also correctly identified after sniffing around a bit. Now they were all amazed. They decided it was time to trick him. They brought out the receptionist and laid her buck naked on her back. The blind man walked around and sniffed.Obviously puzzled he walked around and sniffed and walked around and sniffed some more.Scratching his head, he told them to flip it over. They did so and the sniffing continued. Suddenly he started laughing and said “You think you’ve got me, don’t you? Well I know what that is. That’s the shit house door off of a tuna boat!