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Rabbit and The Bear

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A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers.

He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, �this isn’t right, everyone should live in peace.�

So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other, he’ll give them both three wishes.

The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.

The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet.

The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again — poof — all the rest became female.

Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazement. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted.

This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself.

It is time for the bear’s final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn’t waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female.

Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, ”I wish that that bear is gay.”

Be Careful Wishing

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A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

“As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes,” said the genie, “But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over.”

The man’s most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones.

“Let’s see. My first wish is…”

He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, “…to live in a ten story luxury mansion.’

The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

“Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable.” said the man.

There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

“What is your final wish, Master?’ asked the genie.

“I want to lose a testicle,” said the man.

Favorite Flower

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While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”He addressed the men: “For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”Jim leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn’t it?”The rest of the story is not pleasant.

Fuck

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“Fuck” Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in
the English language today is the word “fuck”. It is the one
magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain,
pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, “fuck” falls into many grammatical categories. It
can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and
intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb
(John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn’t
give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or
as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).

It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful)
or an interjection (Fuck! I’m late for my date with Mary). It
can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she’s also
stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the
overall versatility of the word “fuck”..

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be
used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings “How the fuck are ya?”
2. Fraud “I got fucked by the car dealer.”
3. Resignation “Oh, fuck it!”
4. Trouble “I guess I’m fucked now.”
5. Aggression “Fuck you!”
6. Disgust “Fuck me.”
7. Confusion “What the fuck…….?”
8. Difficulty “I don’t understand this fucking business!”
9. Despair “Fucked again…”
10. Pleasure “I fucking couldn’t be happier.”
11. Displeasure “What the fuck is going on here?”
12. Lost “Where the fuck are we.”
13. Disbelief “Unfuckingbeliveable!”
14. Retaliation “Up your fucking ass!”
15. Denial “I didn’t fucking do it.”
16. Perplexity “I know fuck all about it.”
17. Apathy “Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?”
18. Greetings “How the fuck are ya?”
19. Suspicion “Who the fuck are you?”
20. Panic “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”
21. Directions “Fuck off.”
22. Disbelief “How the fuck did you do that?”

It can be used in an anatomical description- “He’s a fucking
asshole.”
It can be used to tell time- “It’s five fucking thirty.”
It can be used in business- “How did I wind up with this fucking
job?”
It can be maternal- “Motherfucker.”
It can be political- “Fuck Dan Quayle!”

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

“What the fuck was that?”
Mayor of Hiroshima

“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?”
General Custer

“Where the fuck is all this water coming from?”
Captain of the Titanic

“That’s not a real fucking gun.”
John Len
“Who’s gonna fucking find out?”
Richard Nixon

“Heads are going to fucking roll.”
Anne Boleyn

“Let the fucking woman drive.”
Commander of Space Shuttle

“What fucking map?”
“Challenger,” Mark Thatcher

“Any fucking idiot could understand that.”
Albert Einstein

“It does so fucking look like her!”
Picasso

“How the fuck did you work that out?”
Pythagoras

“You want what on the fucking ceiling?”
Michaelangelo

“Fuck a duck.”
Walt Disney

“Why?- Because its fucking there!”
Edmund Hilary

“I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?”
Joan of Arc

“Scattered fucking showers my ass.”
Noah

“I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.”
John F. Kennedy-

Choc chip cookies

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An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced his way down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for deaths agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon racks on the kitchen table and counters were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it the one final act of love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one final great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted… the wonderous taste of the cookie already in his mouth.

The aged and withered hand , shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said. “They are for the funeral.”

Submitted by Calamjo

Came in my pants

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There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party… Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.

“What the hell are you supposed to be?” asked the host.

“A premature ejaculation,” said the man. “I just came in my pants!”