I always know when it’s the mother-in-law knocking at the door, the mice throw themselves in the traps.
Author: admin
****GM vs. MICROSOFT*****
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated: ”If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five
dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating
(by Mr. Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars
with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new
car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would
just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car
to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall
the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ”Car95” or
”CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five
times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent
of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced
by a single ”general car default” warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say ”Are you sure?” before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the
key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand
McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor
want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s
performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for
investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.
13. You’d press the ”start” button to shut off the engine.
A grade school teacher
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living. Timmy stood up and said, “My mom is a doctor!” Sarah stood up and said,
“My father is a professor!” Little Johnny stood up and said, “My dad is a piano
player in a whorehouse!”
The teacher couldn’t believe what she’s had just heard, so she made a point of
calling Little Johnny’s father that evening to discuss the situation. Little
Johnny’s father explained, “Actually, I’m a law attorney, but how am I supposed
to explain that to a seven year old kid!”
New Sayings for the 90s
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one’s own name.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. (And it only happens when you only have $.23 cents in your wallet)
GOOD Job: A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”
Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.
SnailMail. “REAL” amil that the post office actucally sends PS. In the US, Personal snail mail has dropped 10% last because of email
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato. ARE YOU ONE?
Got HAGS
A man goes into the doctor’s office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says “I have some bad news. You have HAGS.” “What is HAGS” the man asks.
“It’s herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis” says the doctor.
“Oh my God” says the man. “What are you going to do?”
“We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.”
“Is that going to help me” says the man.
“No” says the doctor. “But it’s the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door”
Drinking Preacher
There was this small church country preacher who was known to take a swig
or two of alcohol. One Sunday, he preached about Jesus turning water into
wine. One of the members of the audience was a policeman. Later that week,
that very policeman saw the preacher swerving in and out of his lane on
the highway. The officer pulls him over and asks him if he has been
drinking lately. The preacher guy says, “Nah. I ain’t bin drinkin’.” The
policeman then spots a bottle in the back seat of his car. The policeman
asks the preacher, “What do you got in that bottle?” The preacher replies,
“Oh that’s jest water.” The policeman then grabs the bottle, sips it and
says, “Jeez man that’s some strong stuff!” The preacher then says,
“Damnit, God you proved your point a long time ago!”
6 Everyday Lies
1. “I’ll just be a minute.”
2. “Let’s get together for lunch. I’ll give you a call.”
3. “Everything’s fixed.”
4. “The check is in the mail.”
5. “I’ll return your book as soon as I finish reading it.”
6. “The doctor will be with you shortly.”
Char
Knock-Knock.
Who’s there?
Char.
Char who?
Charmanders coming to get you!
Humor
Air Force One, the jet that carries the President, was on it’s way to a summit meeting in Washington, DC on the status of the Internet.On board were Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates. Halfway to DC, the plane suddenly crashed and all on board died instantly. Up in Heaven, God sat upon a large throne and looked down to pass judgement on the three men.’Bill Clinton’, God said, ‘What do you believe in?’Clinton replied, ‘I believe in freedom of speech, in music and in serving the public.”Very well,’ God said, ‘You may enter Heaven, Mr. Clinton.’Al Gore stepped up. ‘Mr. Gore, what do you believe in?’, God asked.’I believe in saving the environment, I believe in fresh air and trees and I did everything I could to ensure that our children would inherit a clean environment.’ Al said.’Very well,’ God said, ‘You may enter Heaven, Mr. Gore.’Bill Gates stepped up. ‘Mr. Gates,’ God said, ‘What do you believe in?’Bill adjusted his glasses, looked up at God and said,’I believe you are sitting in my chair.’
New Management Initiative
NOTICE:Due to recent budget cuts, effective immediately, smoke will be eliminated from this organization’s operations. From now on it will be run entirely on mirrors.
Pookie
Which president called his mistress “Pookie”?
Bill Clinton
What’s the difference between a cloud and…
What’s the difference between a cloud and a boy who is being spanked?
One pours rain and the other roars with pain.