How do you know a blonde secretary�s having a bad day?Her tampon is behind her ear and she can’t find her pencil.
Author: admin
Blonde’s Revenge
What the difference between a brunette and the trash?
The trash gets taken out once a week!
Washing Machine is Broken
A man says to his wife “darling I would love to have sex with you tonight.”
She replies, “please don’t ask like that, especially in front of the children. When you want to have sex, say something like ‘is the washing machine working tonight’ and only you and I will know what you mean.”
The next day the man says to his wife “is the washing machine working tonight dear” to which she replies “no, its broken.”
A couple of days later he asks “that washing machine, is it working now” to which she replies “no, its still broken.”
A week later he asks “has the washing machine been repaired” to which she replies “no, but the repairman may be here next week to fix it.”
The following week the wife says to her husband “darling, the washing machine has been repaired and its working perfectly” to which the husband replies “don’t worry now, I only had a small load so I did it by hand.”
~*~ ha ha!!~*~
a blond, a burnet, and a red head jump of a bilding at the same time. so, why does the blond land last??
BECAUSE SHE STOPS TO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS!!!
Cool Signs
Over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”
At a dry cleaners: “Drop your pants here.”
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you
coming.”
In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!
Stay!”
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “Hello. Can we pick your
nose?”
On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are
on fire and take appropriate action.”
On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”
At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re
looking for,
you’ve come to the right place.”
In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll
wait.”
George W. Bush, at a White House
“I couldn’t imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of
Hanukkah.” �George W. Bush, at a White House Menorah lighting ceremony,
Washington, D.C., Dec. 10, 2001
15 to 2
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came
out and said, “You had a great checkup. Is there anything that
you’d like to ask me?”
“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your
family?”
“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”
If at first you don’t
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.The pen is mightier than the sword — if the sword is very small and the pen is real sharp.If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?Call me insane one more time and I’ll eat your other eye!I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
You Know You’re a Whore When…
1. You’ve slept with Geraldo Rivera.
2. Arsenio touches your knee.
3. Even Richard Dawson won’t kiss you.
4. Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
5. You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
6. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn’t bother you.
7. The EPA comes looking for you.
8. You go through a Sealy ™ a week.
9. Frederik actually comes to your door himself…just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
10. When people say “Ho, Ho, Ho” and it’s July.
11. When you don’t know “What’s his name?”
12. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
13. You are the headquarters for the CDC.
14. Your baby looks familiar, but……like who?
15. When they change your # to 976.
16. Tetracycline is your best friend.
17. McDonald’s calls you “The Happy Meal”.
18. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
19. Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
20. When you’ve got a “Take a Number” machine at your door.
21. When they call you “Shazam” and they don’t mean the money machine!
22. When you get haemorrhoids on you shoulders.
23. When getting dresses is not part of your day.
24. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
25. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
26. When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
27. When you’re wearing more latex than spandex.
28. When your motto is “2 Days, 2 Pounds…$2.90.”
29. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
30. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
31. On the golf course, your afraid to yell “Fore (four).”
32. When the word Slalom gets you excited.
33. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
34. When you have a neon sign saying “open at night”.
35. You want to have your name changed to Misty.
36. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
37. You start to think of yourself as Smurfette.
38. You haven’t seen your floor in a week.
39. When sunlight scares you.
40. When your favourite quote is “next please”.
41. You know all the people in “America’s Most Wanted”.
42. When Susan Sarandon envies you.
43. When Guinness Book starts calling.
44. When every song reminds you of someone…but who?
45. When everyone is refers to you as “dear” and “honey”.
46. When he doesn’t even have to buy you a drink.
47. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
48. When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
49. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
50. The only place you haven’t had sex is on the moon.
51. When a men’s prison becomes a vacation “hot spot”
52. The Big Dipper looks inviting.
53. When soft foods have become distasteful.
54. White sauce is a staple in your diet.
55. When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
56. When it only took 2 licks to get to the centre of a Blow Pop.
57. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
58. When other women begin to call you “Man’s Best Friend”.
59. You and Prince have already made 3 records.
60. When the neighbours want you to install a drive up window.
Applause for the stripper
The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.
She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.
For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.
The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.
For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.
The Major asks her, “What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?”
She replied with a wicked smile, “Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?”
The president of Chase Manhattan Bank, after…
The president of Chase Manhattan Bank, after being humiliated by an old
woman, decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the
president has heard about how fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the
offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his
secretary.
After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message
from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his
money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be
quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the
man.
The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese
business at a really expensive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the
president tries to bring up the subject of opening the accounts for the
Taiwanese businessman. However, the prospective client only seems to
be
interested in the president’s secretary. After the dinner, the businessman
asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights
in
Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the
president
orders his secretary to spend some time with the man. He tells her
that
she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the
man by rejecting him outright.
After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the
secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight in the
eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and
asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers
what her boss told her. Don’t reject the guy outright. So, she tries
to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry
her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man “I will only marry
you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a
75
carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.
The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says
“No problem!! I buy. I buy.”
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the
man “I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a
vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine
country in France.”
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some
brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at
the woman, nods his head and says “Okay, okay. I build, I build.”
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that
she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and
finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her
eyes,
looks at the man and says, rather coldly, “Since I like to have sex, I
want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis.”
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and
rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he’s muttering something
in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes
his
head, looking real sad, says to the woman “I cut. I cut.”
Sale un aviso solicitando dos
Sale un aviso solicitando dos empleados para una oficina. Se presentan Manolo y Jos�. Ya en la sala de espera, hacen pasar a Jos� a una pieza y el encargado del examen le dice:
“Este es un test muy f�cil, usted s�lo tiene que contestar una pregunta: �qu� es de cuero, viene de a dos, tiene suela y se usa para caminar?”
Manolo pone gesto anal�tico y a los diez minutos pregunta: “�Tiene cordones?”
“�S�, hombre, tiene cordones!”, contesta enojado el encargado.
“�Zapato!” exclama Manolo.
“Muy bien, el trabajo es suyo.”
Manolo sale y le cuenta a Jose:
“Esto es una pavada, me pregunta qu� es de cuero, con suela y con cordones, por supuesto que es zapato.”
Pasa Jos� convencido de lo f�cil del examen y el empleado le pregunta:
“�Qu� tiene cuatro patas, es de madera y se usa todos los d�as para comer?”
Jos� piensa media hora y pregunta:
“�Tiene cordones?”
“�No, animal, como va a tener cordones!”
“Ya s�, �mocas�n!”