Author: admin

The Incredible Golf Ball

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Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.

The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend – “Hey, why don’t you try this ball.” He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.
“Use this one – You can’t lose it!”

His friend replies, “What do you mean you can’t lose it?!!”
The first man replies, “I’m serious, you can’t lose it.

If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.”

Obviously, his friend doesn’t believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, “Wow! That’s incredible! Where did you get that ball?”

The man replies, “I found it.”

(Think about it… it’ll come to you 🙂

Dog and Human

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How Dogs and Men Are Alike

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
3. Both are threatened by their own kind.
4. Neither understands what you see in cats.
5. Both want dominance.
6. Both do dishes by licking them clean.
7. Both chase cars.
8. The larger ones tend to drool.
9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

How Dogs are Better Than Men

1. Dogs don’t have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you are gone.
3. You can train a Dog.
4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
5. Dogs understand what “NO” means.
6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
7. When dogs play “fetch,” they don’t laugh at how you throw.
8. Dogs are color blind.
9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren’t allowed to
come inside.

How Dogs are Better Than Women

1. Dogs like beer
2. Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
3. Dogs don’t criticize.
4. Dogs never expect gifts.
5. Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you’ve ever
had.
6. Dogs don’t let a magazine article guide their lives.
7. You never have to wait for a dog–they are ready to go 24
hours a day.
8. Dogs don’t cry.
9. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
10. A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
11. Dogs don’t expect you to call when you are running late —
the later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
12. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
13. Gods find you amusing when you are drunk.
14. Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
15. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dogs name.
16. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
17. A dog’s parents never visit.

Act Of God

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The new minister’s wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation
for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation
agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the
minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several
years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the
increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the
minister.

Finally, the minister stood up and shouted “Having children is an
Act of God!”

An older man in the back stood and shouted back “So is rain and snow, but we
wearing rubbers for them!”

Jesus Christ

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There was once a holy man who had a horse. One day his friend
asked the holy man if he could borrow his horse and he said,
“yes.” The holy man said, “Say Jesus Christ to make him go and
Amen to make him stop.”

So the friend was riding when he saw a cliff but he couldn’t
remember what to say to make him stop. So he said out loud,
“Name of the father son holy spirit, amen.” And the horse
stopped right at the tip of the cliff and he looked over and
said, “JESUS CHRIST!”

Using the Elevator

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An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennesse Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, “Honey, you know we’re not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die.”

That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man’s old pickup and headed out.

When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, “Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place.”

When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched the lights flash, the doors open and close and people getting on and off.

A stooped over little lady who was 90 if she was a day approached the elevators and pushed the “Up” arrow. The door opened and she got on. The door closed. The lights above the door flashed. They flashed some more and the door opened. The most stunning 24-year-old, green-eyed blonde you’ve ever seen stepped off and went into the lounge. The son looked at his dad.

The dad looked at his son for just a second and then said, “Son, go git yer Ma.”

I’m Cured!

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A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.

The bar tender freaks out. “You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I’ll beat the shit out of you…”

The man begins crying. “I’m sorry! Its ruining my life. I can’t sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It’s worrying me to death, please don’t hit me…”

The bar tender takes pity. “Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist,here’s his card, why don’t you see him?”

The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous…

Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.

The bartender says, “Okay, here you go… Wait! Weren’t you that guy who..”

“Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured.”

“Well, that’s great. This beer is on the house.”

So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.

“You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!”

“I am! It doesn’t bother me anymore…”

The indian and the cowboys

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one sunny day 2 cowboys were riding alond lets call them fred and george. well anyway george says to fred, fred there is an indian follwing us n fred says ohh dont worry bout the indian hes a week away.

next morning george says to fred the indians still following cause and fred says to george dont worry bout him hes days away.
this continues for a couple of days so one morning as they are just bout ready to head off again into the sunset george says to fred fred the indians gettin really really close so fred says well shot him shot him!!
so george gets his gun aims and then says NO NO i cant shoot him. and fred lookin puzzled says why not?? george says because ive know him since he was a week old!

Chicken sex

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A guy is very desperate one day, so he gathers up his money which only comes to $3 and goes to a whore house. He asks the woman at the desk “What can I get for this?”

She laughs, and says “I’m sorry, you cant get anything.” The guy begins to cry and taken by this the woman said “Hey…Well, I’ll make you a deal. I will let you fuck this chicken for $3!”

The guy is sickened, and immediately walks away, but through the night he cant stop thinking about the chicken.

The next day, he goes back to the whore house and gives the lady the $3 he had. She tells him, “Go straight across, and then turn left” The guy thanks her, and then walks off into the room she pointed for him to go to.

The next day he is still thinking about the chicken, and once again he goes to the whore house. This time he only has $2, and he goes up to the woman and says, “Gimme the chicken.”

She starts shaking her head, and replies “No way! You almost killed the chicken last time! But I will let you see 2 lesbians fingerbanging each other,”

The guy says, “fine,” and gives the woman his money.
“Go straight up the stairs, and onto the balcony,” the woman says.

When he gets there, he is also surrounded by a crowd. He starts talking to a guy saying “Wow this is some pretty good stuff!”

The guy replies “Nah man… You should’ve been here yesterday. Some guy was fucking a chicken!!!”

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo