Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
Author: admin
Jesus can see you too…
A burglar breaks into a house in the ritzier area of town. He’s sure that there’s nobody home but he sneaks in, doesn’t turn on any lights and heads for where he thinks the valuables are kept. He hears a voice say, “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”
He freezes in his tracks! He doesn’t move a muscle! A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”
He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the room. He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it.
“Did you say that?”
The parrot says again, “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”
“Hah! So what?! You’re just a parrot!” says the burglar.
“I may be just a parrot”, replies the parrot. “But Jesus is a Doberman!”
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: Why don’t blondes double recipes?A: The oven doesn’t go to 700 degrees.
Doctors Perks
Dave had felt guilty all day long. No matter how hard he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.But every once in a while he’d hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him, “Dave, don’t worry about it, you weren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Let it go!”But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, “Dave, you’re a vet….”
Frog goes for a loan
A frog went to get a loan at a bank.The loan officer’s name was Ms. Patty Stack. When the frog told Ms. Stack that he wanted a loan, she asked if he had colateral.He showed her something that, to her, looked like a marbel and said “this is what I have for colateral”.She took it to the bank president and said “there’s a frog out there who wants a loan, and this is what he has for colateral (showing him the marbel)”.She said “do you know what this is, and should I give him the loan”? The bank president said “why, that’s a nic nac, Patty Stack; give that frog a loan”.
California DMV
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Chap stick?
A cowboy walks into a saloon and orders a whiskey, which he then throws back in one quick gulp.
Immediately he rushes back outside, lifts his horse�s tail and gives it a huge smacking kiss square on the hole.
He then goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.
The bartender slides it along the bar, and once again the cowboy downs it, rushes out of the bar, goes to his horse, lifts its tail and gives it a huge kiss.
By the time he goes back into the bar and orders his third shot, a number of other patrons are looking at him with a fair bit of interest.
The bartender decides he�d better ask what�s going on before the cowboy gets too drunk to answer.
“Say, partner, why is it that every time you order a whiskey you go out and kiss your horse on the ass?”
The cowboy, in his best drawl, replies, “Chapped lips.”
The bartender says with some surprise, “Oh, does that cure them?”
The cowboy says, “Nope, but it sure stops me lickin’ ’em.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
No legs
Q: what do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: “nice tits!”
Art 1, Life 0
Not really funny, but man, what a world…A French driver killed a cyclist and injured another after she took her eye off the road trying to save her Tamagotchi virtual pet, police said Wednesday. The 27-year-old woman became distracted when the electronic pet, which was attached to her car key ring, started to send out distress signals. She asked a companion in her car to attend to the Tamagotchi but in the confusion she failed to notice a group of cyclists on the road ahead and slammed into the back of them. One died instantly and another was taken to hospital. Police said the woman was arrested after Sunday’s accident near the southern city of Marseille.
Cris-Co
There was this old guy wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals – “Crisco? Crisco? CRIS–CO!!!!”
Finally a store clerk approached. “Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five.”
“Oh,” replied the old guy, “I’m not looking for Crisco, I’m calling my wife.”
“Your wife is named ‘Crisco?”‘
“Nah,” he answered, “I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.”
“Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?
“Lard Ass!”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Error Messages
Microsoft is trying to add some humor to its error messages in Windows 2000 and up. Here are a couple of examples:
* Printer not responding; Got a pen and paper handy?
* 3 things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss.
Guess which has occured?
Foul Play?
Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy.
“What would you say if I told you that I’ve been sleeping with your best friend?” she asked provocatively.
“Well,” he mused, “I’d have to say that you’re a lesbian!”