THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car’s hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another. Male: Playing ball without a cup.COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.BUTT (but) n. Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.” Male: The organ of mooning and farting.COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.TASTE (tayst) v. Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you’re cooking, to make sure it’s good. Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
Author: admin
Cold, or Pregnant?
A woman goes to the doctor. After examining the woman thoroughly, the doctor is perplexed.”I’m not sure what it is,” he said.”You either have a bad cold or you’re pregnant.””Oh,” says the woman, “I must be pregnant– I don’t know anyone who could have given me a cold.”
Sick Hick
A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him.
“I can’t seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with
alcohol.”
“Well,” said the redneck, “then I’ll come back when you’re sober.’
They’re boasting about race records
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his
track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”
Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!”
“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!”, says another,
flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there
listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” Says the greyhound, “but in my last 90
races, I’ve won 88 of them!”
The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A
talking dog.”
Grammar Lesson For Idiots
I hate when people say supposevly. What the hell is supposevly? Do you mean supposedly? Also, do you know how stupid you sound when you say, “I could care less!”? Saying this means that you do care, and that it is possible for you to care less. What you mean to say is, “I could NOT care less!”. Just a couple quick grammar lessons for idiots.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Tad!Tad who?Tad’s all
Knock KnockWho’s there?Tad!Tad who?Tad’s all folks!
Women�s lib in Egypt
An archeologist returned to Egypt a few years after WWII ended having been
earlier chased out from the digs by the Nazi Invasion.
Through the local grapevine he contacted his old trusted pre-war guide Ahmed
and arranged to meet him at the crossroads to the digs they used to meet at
before the war.
at the specified date the archeologist waited at the crossroads and viewed his
guide approaching him and as they met and warmly embraced, he exclaimed “Ah –
Ahmed it is wonderful to see you again after all these years. But tell me this,
before the war when we met you would be riding the donkey and your wife would
walk in the dust 20 yards behind you. But today we meet an your wife now rides
the donkey and you walk behind her 20 yards in the dust. What is happening, do
we now have Women�s Liberation in Egypt.”
Ahmed sadly shook his head no and replied – “Ah Effendi – we have women�s lib
here in Egypt – yes – but this is much, much worse LAND MINES.”
A MOUTH FULL
A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son says, “Why are you so weak?”
She says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The man says, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be full of food if you
should call.”
Q. Why are hangovers better than women?…
Q. Why are hangovers better than women?
A. Hangovers will go away.
Techs to Change a Light Bulb?
Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four hundred and seventy-two: One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb one to write WinGetLightSwitch- Handle…
Q: How many technical support personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? OK. Now, exactly how dark is it? OK. There could be four or five things wrong… Have you tried the light switch?
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We’ve formed a task-force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just notice that the room is dark; we don’t actually fix the problem.
Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to screw the bulb into the faucet.
Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request service number 39,712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue.
Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You’re still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you’d have to do is send a light-bulb-change message.
Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine in my office.
Q: How many shipping department guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m., and pay an extra $15, we can get the light bulb changed overnight.
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry standard.
Q: How many service technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, and he does it very well, but there is that $85.00 non-refundable on-site service fee to consider . . .
Q: How many quality assurance techs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, and you’ll need a 48 hour burn-in, two hours of cool down, and a very thorough bench analysis of the new bulb so don’t expect to see either bulb for a week or so.
Q: How many receptionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero-well, actually one: the one who told the office manager about the light bulb problem in the first place.
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That’s a hardware problem.
Little Black Boy
One day a little boy realizes his teacher likes white kids more than black kids. So he goes home and paints himself white. He goes to his mom and says look mom Im white Im white. She beats him and sends him to his grandma and he says look gradma look gradma, Im white Im white. So she beats him and sends him to his room. Later they come up to check on him. His mom says, so son what have you learned today. The boy says, Ive only been white for two hours and I already hate two niggers.
Whats the difference between a penis and a…
Whats the difference between a penis and a prick?
A penis is sexually satisfying; a prick is the guy it belongs to!