Q. What’s a man’s idea of a perfect date?
A. A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six-pack.
Author: admin
Packers
Why did the Packers tear up the end zone after a Vikings Game?
There was too much “Moss” in it!
Llega Pepito a la escuela
Llega Pepito a la escuela con un ojo morado.
“�Qu� te pas�?”, le pregunta la maestra.
“Es que en mi casa somos muy pobres y dormimos en la misma cama mi mami, mi papi, mi hermanito y yo; en la noche mi papi se subi� en mi mami y dec�a: ‘Ahhhggg, ahhhggg, aggghhhh’. Despu�s me pregunt�: ‘�Hijo, est�s dormido?’, y yo le contest�: ‘No, papi’, y �zas! Feroz combo”.
“Esta noche qu�date callado”, le aconseja la maestra.
Al d�a siguiente, Pepito llega con el otro ojo morado y enseguida, la maestra le pregunta:
“�Por qu� no te quedaste callado?”
“Es que, mire, maestra, nosotros muy pero muy pobres y mi papi se le subi� a mi mam� y dec�a: ‘Ahhhggg, ahhhggg, aggghhhha’, y yo callado, maestra. Y luego m�s r�pido: ‘Ahhhggg, ahhhggg, aggghhhh’, y yo callado. Entonces mi papi le dijo a mi mam�: ‘Vieja, me voy, me voy’. Y yo le dije: ‘Papi, ll�vame…’, y �zas! Feroz combo”.
“Bueno, cuando tu papi le diga eso a tu mam� qu�date callado”.
Al d�a siguiente, llega el ni�o con la mano rota y enyesada y otra vez le cuenta a la maestra:
“Es que somos muy pero muy pobres y mi papi otra vez encima de mam� y yo callado. Mi papi dec�a: ‘Ahhhggg, ahhhggg, aggghhhh’, y yo callado; entonces otra vez: ‘Vieja, me voy, me voy’, y yo callado, callado y, entonces, la cama se empez� a mover rapidito y mi hermanito, de rebote en rebote, se cay� de la cama y yo callado. En aquel momento, mi papi le dijo a mi mam�: ‘Vieja �nos echamos el otro?’, y yo le dije: No, papi, yo me bajo solito”.
Boating
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22 ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn’t get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
Holy Water
The minister of a church said to four monks “All of you can have
a week off, but make sure to tell me your sins in the week.”
After a week, the four monks come back. They line up. The
minister asks the first monk “Tell me your sins for the week.”
Themonk answered “I ran around the village nakid.” The minister
said “God gorgives your sins, go drink the Holy Water.” The
fourth monk laughs loudly. The minister says to the second monk,
what were your sins for the week?” The monk says “I killed 4
cats and 5 dogs because I was alergic to them.” The minister
says “God forgives your sin, go and drink from the Holy Water.”
The fourth monk laughs even louder. The minister asks the third
monk, “Now tell me what were your sins for the week?” The third
monk replied “I killed a husband, ad made the wife have sex with
me.” The minister says, “God forgives your sin, now go and drink
from the Holy Water.” The fourth monk falls to the floor,
laughing. The minister asks the monk, “Whats so funny?” While
laughing, the monk stands up and says “I peed in the Holy Water.”
En un zool�gico ten�an una
En un zool�gico ten�an una pareja de gorilas. Lamentablemente el macho muri� y la hembra entr� en brama. No sab�an que hacer, hasta que un empleado dijo que ten�a un amigo negro que era muy pijudo y que podr�a saciar el apetito de la gorila. Hablaron con el negro y le dijeron que no ten�a por qu� preocuparse, que el animal estar�a atado de pies y manor, que tendr�a un bozal y adem�s tendr�an preparados rifles con dardos tranquilizantes.
El negro accedi� y comenz� con la faena. �Pum! �Pum! y en eso la gorila rompe una cuerda con el brazo izquierdo y le ensarta las u�as en la espalda. Lo mismo pas� con el brazo derecho y las piernas.
Todos asustados le gritan al valiente:
“�Le disparamos?”
A lo que contesta:
“�No! �Qu�tenle el bozal porque la quiero besar!”
Always give 100% at work
ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK: – 12% Monday – 23% Tuesday – 40% Wednesday – 20% Thursday – 5% Friday
The FBI will conduct DNA
The FBI will conduct DNA tests on a blue cocktail dress worn by Monica
Lewinsky to determine whether it contains semen stains that could corroborate
claims by the former intern that she had sexual relations with President
Clinton…… Proving that Clinton might be a “trickle down” politician after
all.
Army of the Lord
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day and the preacher was
standing at the door as he always is, to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
Dumb as a Wall!
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary.”
The guy says, “What’s wrong with her?” The boss shows him a picture, and she’s hideous.
The boss says, “It’s only fair to tell you, she’s not only ugly, she’s as dumb as a wall.”
The guy says, “I don’t care what you offer me, it ain’t worth it.”
The boss says, “I’ll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island.”
The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he’s about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, “Bring me a hammer.”
She mumbles, “Get the hammer. Get the hammer,” and she fetches the hammer.
The guy says, “Get me some nails.” She mumbles, “Get the nails. Get the nails,” and she gets him some nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, “Fuck!”
She mumbles, “Get the bag. Get the bag.”
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings….
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
$10 is $10
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that airplane.” And every year Martha would say, “I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”
Martha replied, “Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis