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If i want to hear from an a******, i’ll fart!

The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America’s Jews.

Here are some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and samples of phrases in standard english and jewish english. Samples of pronunciation characteristics: Jewish english or “Hebonics” hardens consonants at the end of words. Thus, “hand” become “handt.” The letter “w” is always pronounced as if it were a “v.” Thus, “walking” becomes “valking.” “R” sounds are transformed to a guttural utterance that is virtually impossible to spell in English. It’s “ghraining” “alghready.”

Samples of idiomatic characteristics- questions are always answered with questions: Question: “How do you feel?” Hebonics response: “How should I feel?” The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: “She dances beautifully, that girl.” The sarcastic repetition of words by adding “sh” to the front is used for emphasis.” Mountains becomes “shmountains”; turtle becomes “shmurtle” Sample usage comparisons:

Standard English Phrase Hebonics Phrase “I hope things turn out for the best” “you should be so lucky” “he walks slow” “like a fly in the ointment he walks” “sorry, I do not know the time” “what do I look like, a clock?” “you’re sexy” (unknown concept) “anything can happen” “It is never so bad, it can’t get worse”

There is late breaking information that the Boston School Board has declared the language spoken by Italian-Americans a second language, to be known as “Italics.”

A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day… when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent. She couldn’t get him off her mind and, thinking that he might be in financial difficulties, she took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, ‘Don’t despair, Sister Eulalia,’ and threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street. The next day she was in her cell saying her beads when she was told that some man was at her door who insisted on seeing her.She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what they were for he replied, ‘That’s the sixty bucks you have coming. Don’t Despair paid 5-1.’

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.”

The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.”

She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.

The cowboy said, “Tell him you’re working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.”

She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.”