IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASEI was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
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Three Travellers
Three travellers, an American, a Russian and an African, were
all on a world tour in a hot air balloon. The Russian man puts
his hand over the side and feels into the clouds.
“Aaah!” he said, “We’re right over my homeland.”
“How can you tell?” asked the American.
“I can feel the cold air” he replied.
A few days later the African man put his hand over the side into
the clouds.
“Aaah, we’re right over my homeland” he said.
“How do you know that?” asked the Russian.
“I can feel the heat of the Desert.”
Several more days later the American put his hand over the side
into the clouds.
“Aaah, we’re right over New York.” The Russian and African were
amazed.
“How did you know all of that?” They exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see.
“My watch is missing.”
Q: How many Caidans
Q: How many Caidans does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Nobody knows. They can’t figure out what to wear to change one.
Racist Attack
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, when a Chinese man comes in. The Jewish man jumps up and punches him in the face.”Ouch!” the Chinese man says.”What was that for?””That was for Pearl Harbour,” the Jewish man says.”But I’m Chinese!””Chinese, Japanese, what’s the difference?” And the Jewish man sits back down.A few minutes later, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face.”Ouch!” the Jewish man says.”What was that for?””That was for sinking the Titanic,” the Chinese man says.”Sinking the Titanic??? But that was an iceberg!””Ice berg, Goldberg, what’s the difference?”
Hilarious Signs
Over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.” On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.” On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.” Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.” Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.” In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!” Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “We can help you pick your nose!” On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.” In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.” On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.” At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
Sweet Revenge
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket — If he could just get to the airport then could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!”
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain His financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big time.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked?
“Fifteen bucks,” came the reply. “And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?”
“What?! Get the hell out of my cab.”
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?”
The cabbie replied, “Fifteen bucks.”
The businessman said “ok” and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver in line.
Binladin
Why does Osama Binladin think that his people are rebels?
Because their new Pledge of Allegiance is
Hey mister taliban turn over Binladin, Daylight comes and we wanna go home,
Daylight comes and we wanna go home.
What has caused it?
A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’ The priest replies ‘My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man’ ‘Well I’ll be darned’ the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper. The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. ‘I’m sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?’ ‘I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.’
Give 100% at Work
Always give 100% at work….
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday
Blonde and computers
Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde, of course?) in the office down the hall from me. She flagged me down and asked for help. “My floppy drive won’t work, can you help me ?” she asked. I told her I’d take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5″ floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive. “Oh, you mean the condom!”, she said. “Condom???”, I asked. “Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses.” By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The “condom” turned out to be a standard 3.5″ plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldn’t do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be): “Does that mean I don’t have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either???”
Yo Mama So Dumb,Fat And Poor!!!
Yo Mama so dumb, she fell over the cordless phone!
Yo Mama so dumb, she tried to drown a fish!
Yo mama so dumb, she tried to put the M’n’Ms in alphabetical
order!
Yo Mama so fat, her belly button’s got an echoe!
Yo Mama so fat, her belt size is ‘equator’!
Yo mama so fat, I kicked her at the rugby post, and I lost site
of ’em!
Yo mama so fat, I looked at her and my face got stuck!
Yo mama so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon, and got stuck!
Yo mama so fat, compared to her ass crack, the Grand Canyon is a
ditch!
Yo mama so fat, whenever she bends over we loose an hour of
sunlight!
Yo mama so fat, to get a belt on, she has to use a boomerang!
Yo mama so poor, she wrestles squirrels for peanuts!
Yo mama so poor, her house is so dusty, the dustmites ride
around on dune buggy’s!
Yo mama’s teeth are so yellow,whenever she smiles, the traffic
slows down!
Canada’s military forces out at sea
Scene: Saddam Hussein is looking at photo of crashed Sea King helicopter resting on its side onboard a Canadian frigate and says: “And these people want to run our country? Fight to the last man!””
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