YO MAMMA SO STUPID,THE NEWS SAID IT
WAS GOING TO BE CHILLY OUT,SHE RAN AND GOT A BOWL,AND A SPOON
Author: admin
What happened when the priest cracked one…
What happened when the priest cracked one off at the baptism?
The smell was so horrendous that an elderly member of the congregation had to be taken outside to sit down
What Causes Arthritis?
A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.”
“Well, I’ll be,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does.”
Dirty Fairy Tale
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic-anything she touched would melt!Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, “If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured,”The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth.Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.The third prince approached. He told the princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.” The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.Question:What was the object in the prince’s pants? (Scroll down for the answer.)What the princess touched was especially designed to melt in her mouth, not in her hand – it was an M&M. (Now what were you thinking?)
Change your course now
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
A geologist’s song 04
Newfoundland, My Newfoundland(Oh, Christmas Tree, Oh, Christmas Tree) by Brenna Lorenz Convection’s cell was at thy door, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, Thy ancient heart to pieces tore, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, Great faulted blocks came crashing down, and flood basalts the land did drown, And clastics coarse fell all around, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland! Iapetus began to spread, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, Detritus from thy coast was shed, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, Thy slope was draped, so proud and great, with massive banks of carbonate, Grand bank to meet so sad a fate, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland! For flysch encroaching from the east, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, Devoured thy margin like a beast, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, The ocean floor was raised on high, its mafic head reared to the sky; Its chromous threat was drawing nigh, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland! Your once-proud bank was bowing down, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, Subduction did thy margin drown, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, The angry mantle did desire to smother thee with ash and fire, And close Iapetus entire, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland! The island arc with fiery breath, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, Did shower all the land with death, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, Until subduction’s starving throat, on Grenville crust was made to choke, The tyrant’s rule collision broke, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland! The land subsided in its pain, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, Olistostromes in chaos reigned, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, Then in Caradoc time there came a shale everywhere the same That blanketed thy wounds and shame, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland! Behold! Upon thy ancient shore, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, A landmass was annealed once more, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland, Alas! Thy trials go on and on, for rifting struck the Avalon – The cycle must repeat anon, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Weevil!Weevil who?Weevil work
Knock KnockWho’s there?Weevil!Weevil who?Weevil work it out!
yo mamas sooo white
YO mama is sooo white that when she puts on make-up she looks dirty!
Political Correctness at it’s Worst
Some excerpts from the Quarterly Review of Doublespeak
(NCTE)
A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient’s chart: “Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential.”
Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the American Journal of Family Practice fleas were called “hematophagous arthropod vectors.”
The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds “have an explosive force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure threshhold of physiological damage for exposed personnel.” In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely to survive.
A reader reports that the Army calls them “vertically deployed anti-personnel devices.” You probably call them bombs.
At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics were placed on “non-duty, non-pay status.” That is, they were fired.
A personal ad from an unidentified mewspaper announces that a “formerly single man” seeks a single or married woman.
After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developing (or “processing,” as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive the following notice: “We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience.” The use of the passive is a particularly nice touch, don’t you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him.
The description on the package of Stouffer’s Veal Tortellini with Tomato Sauce says it contains “exquisite egg pasta.” The list of ingredients, however, includes “cooked noodle product.”
In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertizes “semi-antique” rugs.
The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all students to do some “volunteer work” as a prerequisite to high school graduation.
Senator Orrin Hatch said that “capital punishment is our society’s recognition of the sanctity of human life.”
According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a “family farm.” Their “farm” has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a “family farm” they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Works, calls them “ground-mounted confirmatory route markers.” You probably call them road signs, but then you don’t work in a government agency.
It’s not “elderly” or “senior citizens” anymore. Now it’s “chronologically experienced citizens.”
According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn’t break off, it was just a case of “uncontained blade liberation.”
The new preacher.
A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.
The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in site, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say:
“Maybe we’d better tell him it’s a septic tank.”
The Top 9 Predictions for the Shortened NBA Season
9 . To make up for 30% fewer games, players compensate fans with 30% more crotch scratching.
8. Beer now $150,000 a pop.
7. New “NBA Star for a Month” promo allows lucky spectators to smoke pot, fire guns and speed without legal consequences.
6. 50-game regular season will almost be as exciting as the 339-game playoffs.
5. Old slogan: “It’s Fan-tastic!”
New slogan: “It’s Moneybag-nificent!”
4. To help recoup lost income, Laker Girls will add lap dancing to their repertoire.
3. Jazz upsets Pacers in finals by a score of H-O-R to H-O-R-S-E.
2. Thanks to some tricky wording overlooked by players’ union, Patrick Ewing must wear a “celery cap” during every game.
1. In an attempt fill vacant seats in arenas nationwide, local offspring of Shawn Kemp admitted free.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]Surgeon Vs Mechanic
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, “Hey DeBakey… Is dat you ? Come over here a minute.”
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car.
Morris in a loud voice, so all could hear, said argumentatively, “So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind ’em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are basically doin’ the same work?”
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris… “Try doing your work with the engine running.”