Why don’t lawyers lie on the beach?
Dogs would bury them.
Author: admin
Three Funerals and A Wedding
Did you hear that they are making a movie about the latest Kennedy
tragedy?
The current working title is: 3 funerals and a wedding.
What Is This?
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, “What is this, a joke?”
Top 16 Lesser Known Presidential Executive Privileges
16. Executive dibs on fries in the bottom of the bag… anywhere, any time, *any* bag
15. Authorized to dispatch towel-wielding Secret Service agents at White House pool parties to apply stinging “rat tails”
14. “You’re Greek? Hey, come on up to my place tonight and we’ll lob a couple of missiles at Istanbul.”
13. 5-Day video rentals from Justice Thomas’s “personal collection”
12. Prerogative to suspend constitutional prohibition on “Cruel and Unusual Punishment” should he feel like appearing in public wearing gym shorts
11. The “President’s Dozen” — 15 doughnuts for the price of 12 at all DC doughnut shops
10. Platinum membership in The Players Club AND front-row seats at any Wrestlemania event
9. In case of pants-too-tight emergencies, there’s Gertie, the little-used corset-cincher left over from the McKinley administration
8. When competing on Jeopardy, not required to answer in the form of a question
7. Goodbye, Extra Value Meal — hello, Super-sized Extra Value Meal with Apple Pie and Milkshake!
6. Somebody piss you off? Make their yard a national park and it’ll be wall-to-wall Winnebagos.
5. Can order lawn mowed by upside-down Marine Corps helicopter
4. One GET OUT OF LAWSUIT FREE card per term
3. Allowed to bring bucket of fried chicken to opera performances at Lincoln Center
2. Commander-in-Chief status + surplus Partiot missiles = 1 bitchin’ 4th of July!
1. Unlimited Murphy’s Oil to maintain Vice President’s natural wood-grain luster
The Top 16 Things Overheard on an Anthony Hopkins/Martha Stewart Date
16> “Oh, you meant you’d give me *a* head tonight? That’s very different then, isn’t it?”
15> “A census taker tried to survey me once. I made a lovely autumn floral swag out of his liver.”
14> “Is that a femur in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
13> “Oh God, Tony, that’s a *very* good thing!”
12> “Finger sandwiches, chopped liver, and a real bloody Mary. Now *that’s* a good thing.”
11> “Now this dessert I call ‘Medulla Oblon-Gelato’.”
10> “…and this muzzle of yours can double as a strainer for pasta or for intestines.”
9> “Gnawing on the phalanges is permissible, but should always be accompanied by fingerbowls.”
8> “Martha, so help me, if you use the word ‘potpourri’ as a verb one more time, I’ll kill both of us with this butter knife!”
7> “Go for my sweetbreads if you dare, Liverlips — I’ve got a glue gun and I’m not afraid to use it.”
6> “No, dear, you eat spleen with *this* fork.”
5> “Do that damned ‘fth-fth-fth-fth-fth’ thing one more time, and I’ll gag you with this lovely handcrafted doily!”
4> “Put a doily under that liver, pig.”
3> “Has the rack of lamb stopped screaming, Martha?”
2> “The lady will have the linguini with clam sauce, and I’ll just eat off her face.”
1> “Eat me!!”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]Mom’s Dictionary
Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to become romantic again.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn’t fully appreciate the strained carrots.
Full Name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Independent: What we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
What’s happening in the bedroom
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, “Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we’re going up to our room for a little while.”
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
“Before you look in there,” he says, “keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs.”
When the judge called the case of People vs….
When the judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook.
The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called,
“Crook, come forward.” Five of the prisoners entered the
courtroom.
Entra un abogado a un
Entra un abogado a un cajero automatico, de �sos que tienen un sofisticado sistema de seguridad, y de pronto empieza el sistema a sonar una estruendosa alarma acompa�ada de luces y una voz digital que anuncia a todo volumen:
“Ladr�n-Ladr�n-Ladr�n…”
El abogado retira la tarjeta de la ranura del cajero, la examina y dice:
“�Con una…! �Me equivoqu�… introduje mi tarjeta profesional!”
26 razones para mantenerse soltero
26 razones para mantenerse soltero y salir corriendo a comprar un perro.
1.- Tu perro no llora.
2.- Tu perro adora que tus amigos te visiten.
3.- A tu perro no le molesta que uses su champ�.
4.- Tu perro piensa que cantas bien.
5.- Entre m�s tarde llegues, tu perro se alegra m�s de verte.
6.- Tu perro te perdona si juegas con otros perros.
7.- Tu perro no se da cuenta si le dices el nombre de otro perro.
8.- Los perros piensan que los eructos son divertidos.
9.- Todo el mundo puede tener un perro bonito.
10.- Si tu perro es hermoso, los otros perros no lo odian.
11.- Los perros no van de compras.
12.- Tu perro adora que dejes cosas tiradas.
13.- El car�cter de tu perro es igual todo el mes.
14.- Tu perro nunca necesita “examinar la relaci�n”.
15.- Los padres de tu perro nunca te visitan.
16.- Tu perro entiende que los instintos son mejores que preguntar las direcciones.
17.- Los perros no odian su cuerpo.
18.- Los perros no critican.
19.- Los perros no usan tu ropa.
20.- Es legal mantener encadenado a un perro.
21.- Los perros nunca esperan regalos.
22.- Los perros nunca necesitan un “masaje de pies”.
23.- Tu perro te encuentra divertido cuando est�s ebrio.
24.- Los perros no hablan.
25.- Los perros no son maliciosos.
26.- Los perros rara vez viven m�s que t�.
Bear Hunting
One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkepper. “I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with”
The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said, “This gun is perfect for any deer”
Taking the gun, and jumping into his Jeep the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his new sport, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a Bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey he took aim and, BOOM!! When the smoke cleared to his surprise, no bear.
Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear.
“What the hell do you think you are doing?” asked the bear.
“I’m sorry, I did mean to, I’ll never do it again!” whined Fred.
“Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am” explains the Bear.
Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM, the bear screws him up the ass.
All pissed off Fred drives away muttering, “I’m going to get that fuckin’ bear, no fuckin bear is going to that to me”.
Fred goes goes bak to the sporting goods store and buys a larger gun, and goes back to the park.
Looking around he finally sees the bear. Picking up his new larger gun, points, and BOOM!
When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and there’s the bear.
“I’m sorry, I’ll never do it agian, I promise”, screams Fred.
“I thought I told you not to come back here again”, exclaims the bear, “now pull down your pants.
Fred does so and the bear fucks him up the ass again.
Fred gets in his jeep and drives away muttering, “That’s it, I’m going to blow that fuckin bears head clean off”
When he gets back to thte sporting goods store he explains to the shopkeeper, “I want the largest gun you have, the most powerful.”
The shopkeepers hands him a gun and says, “This one is great for hunting elephants, no creature on this planet will live after a shot from this”
Fred gets back in his jeep and drives back to the woods. Loooking around he spots the bear again. He aims, pulls the trigger, and BBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!
When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred scared now, feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around he sees the bear.
“You’re not in this for the sport anymore, are you?”
Twenty questions
There are two rednecks in a field:
bobby joe: “hey, you wanna play twenty questions?”
billy bob: “sure. lemme think something’.”
bobby joe: “got it?”
billy bob: “yeah, got it. ask me.”
bobby joe: “is it a thing?”
billy bob: “yeah�.
bobby joe: “can you eat it?”
billy bob: “yeah�.
bobby joe: “is it horse s***?”
bobby joe: “yeah�.