Author: admin

Under the Pillow

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There was this guy who was on airplane, he had to go to the bathroom really bad.. Well everytime he would go to the bathroom someone was always in it.So he finally asked the flight attendant if he could use the ladies room.

She said, well sir I’m not sure if that would be a good idea,you see there are buttons in there.

He says ,Oh please please I really have to go and I promise I won’t push any buttons.

So she tells him go ahead,just don’t push any buttons. So he goes in there he’s sitting on the toilet doing his duty. Well he looks over and sees three buttons. One is yellow,one is red and one is green. He pushes the yellow button and out comes water and sprays his behind. He thinks “wow that felt good, I’ll press the red button”.So he pushes the red button and out comes a powder puff and dries him off and powders him.So then he pushes the green button.. He passes out and wakes up in hospital.
He looks up at the flight attendant and she says “you pushed the green button didn’t you?”

He knods.. He said “What happened?” She said “The green button was an Automatic Tampon Remover,your dick is laying under your pillow”

Q: How many American

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Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers.

Office Talk

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BLAMESTORMING: Sitting in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, criticizes on everything, and then leaves.CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always have their idea generators running.MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out.SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally wacked out, and losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on wild rampages.ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.BROWNMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.CHIPS & SALSA: Chips ? hardware, Salsa ? software. “Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, “We each owe $8, but all anybody’s got are yuppie food stamps.”CLM – Career Limiting Move: Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Complaining about your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the comic strip character. “I’ve been dilberted again — our boss revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in “We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in.”OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.GOOD JOB: A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. TV trials are a prime example, Elimidate is another.PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)

YtoK Problem Solved!

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Y-to-K Date Change Project Status Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.We are proud to report that we have completed the ”Y-to-K” date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October,November, December. As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?We’ll await your direction.

fly drops

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There is a fish in a pond looking up thinking to himself if that fly drops down then i can jump out and get it, theres a bear behind the fish he says if the fly drops and the fish goes to eat it then I can get the fish, theres a hunter behind the bear and he says if the fly drops and the fish goes for the fly then the bear goes for the fish then I can shoot the bear, theres a mouse behind the hunter and he says if the fly drops and the fish goes for it and the bear goes for the fish and the hunter shoots the bear then the hunter will drop his cheese sandwitch and i can get it, theres a cat behind the mouse and he says if the fly drops and the fish goes for it and the bear goes for the fish and the hunter shoots the bear and drops his sandwitch then the mouse goes to eat it then i can get the mouse. Well the fly drops and the fish gets it the bear gets the fish the hunter gets the bear the mouse gets the sandwitch and then the cat goes for the mouse but over jumps and lands in the lake.

moral of the story: When the fly drops the pussy always gets wet.

Big Ol’Boy

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Earl was enjoying his normal Saturday afternoon activities, watching bass fishing, eating pork rinds, and drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Then his wife came storming in the trailer. “I want you to get up and kick this guy’s ass!” she exclaimed.

Earl, being a man of pride, jumped up and said, “What did that bastard do to you?”

She said, “Well, I was at the market, and I dropped a melon. When I went down to pick it up, he looked under my dress.”

Earl was fuming now! Then he looked me in the eyes and said, “I would like to fill you up with ice cream and eat it all up!”

Hearing this, Earl immediately sat back down.

She replied, “Well, aren’t you gonna do something?”

Earl looked at her and said, “I’m not gonna fuck with anyone who can eat that much ice cream!!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

The Top 16 Excuses Given by Nike to Justify Third World Exploitation

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16> It’s not slave labor. It’s… it’s… T’ai Chi class!

15> You think we’re ripping THEM off?? YOU paid $200 for that molded rubber you’re wearing.

14> 14 cents an hour buys *twice* as much in Southeast Asia than it does in the U.S.

13> We’d pay ’em more if they had a decent fadeaway jumper.

12> Relax! We only require 20 hours a week from the terminally ill or malnourished.

11> A nation of 5-year olds who not only can tie a shoe, but can MAKE a shoe? That’s not exploitation, pal, that’s progress!

10> If we paid our workers a living wage, Michael couldn’t support his golf gambling habit.

9> Hey, do you know how many bathroom breaks a 9-year old takes?? *We’re* the ones being exploited!

8> Too busy counting our money to notice.

7> CEO Phil Knight still owes Bill Gates a few billion from last year’s poker game.

6> Interior decor of company jet was *embarrassingly* pass�.

5> Hey, Reebok gets *their* shoe leather from baby seals!

4> Complaints about LOW PAY? We thought it was Lo Pei, the supervisor!

3> Average hourly wage for young workers much higher if you include Tiger Woods.

2> Our CEO keeps downsizing his conscience.

1> Just Screw ‘Em!

Un hombre va a un

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Un hombre va a un burdel y pide una puta barata:

“�Qu� le parece una de $10,000?”

“Qu� va, que va, m�s barata.”

“�Quiz�s mil?”

“Pero usted debe creerse que yo soy Onnasis, �no?”

“�Y cien?”

“Venga hombre. �Est� loco?”

“Pues mire, v�yase a la de la ultima puerta que es gratis.”

“Esa me gusta, voy para all�.”

El t�o va leyendo carteles en los que pone: Puta americana, puta francesa, puta inglesa, puta alemana, puta rusa… y en la �ltima puerta lee: “�Puta calle!”