Author: admin

Vampire Bat

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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“YES, YES, YES!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good!” said the first bat, “Because, Goddammit, I didn’t!”

Stone Surprise

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One day there were two boys playing by a stream when they
saw a woman bathing naked. All of a sudden one of the boys
took off running. The other boy took off after his friend.
After he caught up to him, he asked why he ran away.
“Well,” the boy said, “my mom told me that if I ever saw a
naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something
getting hard so I ran.”

Jesus and Moses Play

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Jesus and Moses are playing golf and they’re on the tenth hole. Moses hits the ball and it heads straight for a pond. Just before the ball hits the water, the pond parts and the ball rolls up onto the green. Jesus winds up and hits one about to the same spot. Jesus’ ball hits the water and skips across. All of a sudden, lightning flashes and a ball drops from the sky. A fish swallows it and a bird picks up the fish and drops the ball onto a turtle that walks over to the hole and drops it in. Moses turns to Jesus and says, ”I hate it when your dad plays!”

Doctors and Lawyers

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Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the
other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took
the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The physician kicked off his shoes,
wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said,
“I think I’ll get up and get a coke.” “No problem,” said the physician, “I’ll
get it for you.” While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the
physician’s shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other
attorney said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the
physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney
picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Physician returned and they all sat
back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his
feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this
go on?” he asked. “This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This
animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”

Biker Sex

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Tired of the boring “straights” she’d been laying, a gal decided she’d find out if bikers were really the heavy “cocksmen” that she heard they were.So she picked up a gigantic biker and went with him up to his pad. Stripped and ready, anxiously awaiting some real action, she was astonished to see that his fully erect dick was only two inches long.”Who,” she demanded scornfully, “do you think you’re gonna satisfy with that?”Grinning confidently, the biker replied, ” Me!”

Gay bar

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This man walks into a Gay Bar not knowing it’s a gay bar and sits down at a table some gay guy walks up to him and says “Wanna play football” The man says okay and thay go behind the bar the gay guy says “alright a burp is a touch down and a fart is a field goal. So the man says I’m goin’ for the feild goal and the gay guy gets a small grin on his face, the man bends over and is about to fart and the gay guy butt f***s him the man goes what the hell why you do that. The gay guy says I was trying to block your field goal.

The duck in the bar

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A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.

The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. “What’ll it be?” the bartender says.

The duck says, “I think I’ll have the grapes.” “Well, I’m sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don’t serve grapes here. Now, I’ll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want.”

The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. “Ok, you got your order?” The duck nods, saying, “I’ll think I’ll have the grapes.”

The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, “Look Mac, we don’t have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don’t serve grapes, so what will you have?!”

The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, “I’ll have the grapes.”

The bartender, enraged, shouts, “If you ask for the grapes one more time I’m going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!”

The bartender cools off a bit. “Now what will you get?!” “Got any nails?” “OF COURSE WE DON’T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?”

“Good, got any grapes?”