Author: admin

Respect my authority!

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A bloke gets pulled up for speeding. Being about 10 Km’s over
the speed limit, the cop announces that the guy will be fined
$200. Naturally, the bloke isn’t very happy.

“What if I got outta this car and beat the shit out of you? What
would happen to me?” he said. The police officer explained that
such an action is called “Assaulting a police officer” and could
result in imprisonment.

“Okay then,” says the bloke, “What if I call you a cunt?”

The cop then explains that this action is called “Insulting a
police officer” and results in a hefty fine.

“Right” says the bloke, “What about if I think you’re a cunt?”

The officer explains that thinking is not against the law, and
freedom of thought permitted anyone to think anything they liked.

The bloke thought for a minute and said, “Well I think you’re a
cunt!”

Nudist camp visit

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A young boy had been taken for his first visit to a nudist camp by his parents. He was surprised at the different sizes of the male organs and mentioned it to his father. The father, being rather well endowed, explained that it was a measure of intelligence, the big ones being smart and the small ones being dumb.

That afternoon the father was looking for his wife and asked his son if he had seen his mother.

“I saw her about ten minutes ago, She was with a real dumb man, but he seemed to be getting smarter all the time. “

Two 90 year olds

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Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman,
“Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, “My God, if I
knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!”
And the woman was thinking to herself, “My God, if I knew the old geezer could
actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!”

HillBilly Memories

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There was a reporter from the city stuck in a small mountainous town in W.Va. He decided to use the time by getting a good story to submit to his boss. He saw an old man sitting outside a local store and went over to begin the interview.

“Sir, I am writing a story about people in this area and would like to include an interesting story from you. Is there any particular story that you would like to share?”

The old hillbilly smiled to himself as he thought back on a time. “Well, thar was the time I lost my sheep. We gathered up a bunch of the boys, got some moonshine in us and went off after it. When we found the sheep, we all took turns screwing it….my, that was fun!”

The reporter couldn’t write a story about that so he asked for another.

“Well, when my neighbor’s wife got lost, we all gathered up and got drunk and went out to look for her. We had a good time taking turns with her when we found her, too. Damn that was a lot of fun!”

The reporter was frustrated. “Sir, I can’t submit a story like that. Maybe you oughta tell me about a not so fun time you had.”

“Well,” the hillbilly said as he fidgited in his chair, he looked up at the reporter with a pained expression, “thar was that time “I” got lost…”

The five inch kid

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once there was this family and they had one son. for eleven years he never left five inches from his parents side, even in the bathroom. so one day,on his eleventh b-day,his parents said”son we believe today is the day we leave you alone for awhile.”so they left,and he felt confident so he said”bye”.so five seconds later he looked around the room,and cried and ran for the window. but it was to late. when they got back they found him in the corner saying”im scared,and I dont know where the bathroom is.”

False Teeth

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A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth.Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth.” The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.”Try these,” he said.The speaker tried them.”Too loose,” he said. The man then said, “I have another pair…try these.” The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.”The man was not taken back at all. He then said, “I have one more pair of false teeth…try them.”The speaker said, “They fit perfectly.” With that he ate his meal and gave his address.After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.”I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”The man replied, “I’m not a dentist. I’m the local undertaker.”

Chilli cook off!

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CHILI COOK-OFFS

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is!

They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You
will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like
me, you will be howling out loud.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes from An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.

The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told men I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.” Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE’S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out, I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA; I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.

The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off.

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks!

CHILI # 6 VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.

I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair.

No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought.

Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7 SUSAN’S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.

I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.

My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt.

At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 LESTER’S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER’S CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it’s existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?