How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
1000: One to submit the joke and 999 to submit “How many programmers does
it take to screw in a light bulb? None, thats a hardware problem”
Author: admin
Kids View of Marriage and Relationships
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
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“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports,
she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip
coming.” Alan, age 10
“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God
decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”
Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
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“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.”
Camille, age 10
“No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.”
Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
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“Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.” Eddie, 6
“You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same
kids.” Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
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“Both don’t want any more kids.” Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
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“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age
8.
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.” Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
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“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and
make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.” Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
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“When they’re rich.” Pam, age 7
“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”
Curt, age 7
“The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and
have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.” Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
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“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
clean up after them.” Anita, 9
“Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no
diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I’d just phone my mother and have her
come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.” Kirsten, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
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“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?” Kelvin, age 8
“You can be sure of one thing – the boys would come chasing after us just the
same as they do now.” Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
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“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.” Ricky,
age 10
How to pack a Hippo
Packing HipposYou’ll need:1,000-gallon tank per hippo 1,000 gallons of water Crane 1-pound sedative Soothing hippo music 2 Aspirin (for you)How to pack:1. Fill your tank with 800 gallons of water. Start yesterday. Remember, a medium-sized hippo takes up at least 200 gallons. (Just out of curiosity, why do you have a hippo, anyway?)2. Apply sedative. Take two Aspirin.3. Hold it, hold it – put the hippo in the tank, first. Start with soothing hippo music, followed by a large winch and crane.4. Now go relax in a hot bath before the forklift arrives.WAIVER: We in no way advocate moving a hippo or any animal without the express advice and consent of your local vet or zoo keeper. If you’d like advice from a veterinarian on moving with pets click here.
Final Confession
When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are
expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last
sins before they are made holy.
“And so,” says St. Peter, “have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
“Well,” says the first Nun in line, “I did once just touch the tip of one with
the tip of my finger.”
“OK” says St. Peter, “Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into
heaven.”
The next Nun admits that “Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you
know, sort of massaged one a bit.”
“OK” says St. Peter, “Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into
heaven.”
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to
cut in front.
“Well now, what’s going on here?” says St. Peter.
“Well, your Excellency,” says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in
line, “If I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister
Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.”
10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft’s all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a
lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I’ve got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
Un d�a, frot�ndose la cabeza,
Un d�a, frot�ndose la cabeza, Pepito siente una protuberancia y va y le pregunta a su mam�:
“Mam�, �por qu� tengo este chich�n en la cabeza?”
“Pues lo tienes desde que naciste, hijo. Lo que pasa es que cuando ibas a nacer, a tu pap� le dieron ganas de hacer el amor y, como t� ven�as de cabeza, te hizo ese chipote con su cosa”.
Pepito se queda pensando y responde: “�Qu� suerte que ven�a de cabeza!, porque si hubiera venido de nalgas… �el cabr�n nos coge a los dos!”
Negatives
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,”
he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though,
such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is
no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from
the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
A man is driving down the road and a cop pulls…
A man is driving down the road and a cop pulls him over. The cop asks to see his liscense and registration. The man hands the cop the registration of the vehicle and says “you guys already have my license, you haven’t given it back yet”
Old man haunting
A couple had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night, there would be screams and shouts from their house.
The old man often screamed these words at her in public, “I’m sick and tired of you! When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you!”
The old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances in the neighborhood of cats, dogs and people were blamed on him.
At the age of 80 the old guy died, and his wife put him in a casket. Later that night, she went to a bar and partied as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor asked her, “Aren’t you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?”
The old lady calmly replied, “Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket in the other way around.”
Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face moan
Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face moaning, “Lie to me!”
“Brrr!”
This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager.
The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes, “Brrr!”.
The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says, “Listen, if you ever do that again I’ll cut yer balls off!”
The gremlin says, “Ain’t got none!” “Well, I’ll cut off yer prick!” “Ain’t got one of them, neither.” says the gremlin.
“Well, how do ya pee?”
The gremlin smiled and said, “Brrr!”
Italian Organ Grinder
A bloke who was well known for his anti Italian sentiments, was walking down the street one day with a mate, when they came across a busking act, an Italian with an organ grinding monkey. Our incipient racist stunned his friend by throwing a couple of bucks into the hat.
“I thought you hated Italians?” was the comment as the friend recovered.
” Yeh, I do. But even I’ll admit they’re cute when they’re little.”