A blonde walks into a pharmacy before having sex.
She says to the guy behind the counter, “I’d like to buy a condom, please.”
He says, “Hey, watch your mouth!”
She says, “You’re right. better make that 2.”
Author: admin
Boris Becker and President Clinton.
Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?
A: Both aren’t as successful when they’re not on grass…
Library Fun
1)Find one of those carts that has a lot of books that were
returned. Attempt to check them all out at once.
2)See how many library cards on different accounts you can get
before the librarian figures out what’s going on.
3)Photocopy your butt.
4)Ask how many books the library has on stealing books (you can
ask a lot of annoying questions like this).
5)Ask for the… well you know… “mature” section.
6)Turn off all of the lights. If someone asks who did it,
reply, “I don’t know. It’s too dark to tell.”
7)Have fun making entertaining wallpapers and screensavers.
I’ll submit more as they come to me.
Only in America
Only in America…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance… Only in America…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink… Only in America…do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions. Only in America…do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke… Only in America…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters… Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage… Only in America…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place… Only in America…do we park in the handicapped space and then walk the length of the mall… Only in America…do we use the word ”politics” to describe the process so well: ”Poli” in latin meaning ”many” and ”tics” meaning ”blood sucking creatures”…
Genie and Mother-in-law
A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice.
The man’s first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars.
The man says, “that’s ok.”
The man’s next wish is for a house by the sea.
Once again, the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the man says, “that’s okay.”
The man’s last wish is to be beaten half to death!
En un circo pusieron un
En un circo pusieron un letrero:
SE SOLICITA DOMADOR DE LEONES
Dos personas respondieron: una hermosa rubia de proporciones f�sicas inmejorables y un borrach�n que pasaba por el lugar, que queriendo probar su suerte se anim� a solicitar el empleo.
El due�o del circo piensa que el temulento se desanimar�a al ver a los feroces animales, pues ya estaba inclinado por la despampanante rubia. As� que le dice:
“Bueno, como estamos entre caballeros, creo que es nuestro deber cederle el paso a las damas, si no tiene ning�n inconveniente”.
El beodo contesta afirmativamente.
La hermosa curvil�nea se introduce en la jaula con los leones, haciendo gala de belleza y valent�a. Todo iba bien hasta que, en un descuido, uno de los felinos le tira un manotazo destroz�ndole la silla que utilizaba como escudo. Otro la desarma de su l�tigo, dej�ndola totalmente indefensa.
El primer le�n abalanz�ndose sobre ella le desgarra el vestido, dejando al descubierto sus voluptuosas curvas. Entonces, cuando todos pensaron que los leones iban a hacer pedazos a la hermosa rubia, �stos comienzan a lamerla.
Viendo esto, el due�o del circo se voltea hacia el ebrio y, en tono burl�n, le pregunta:
“�Usted podr�a hacer eso?”
A lo que el borracho, con voz aguardentosa, contesta:
“�Claro que s�! �Nada m�s que me saca a los leones!”
Blowjob
Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.
“It’s funny,” says Samantha, “Peter’s balls are always cold as ice when I’m sucking his dick.”
“You know what?” replies Jenny. “It’s exactly the same with my Richard…”
They turn to the third blonde and ask, “When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?”
“Ugh! That’s disgusting! I never put Chris’s thing in my mouth!”
“You’re crazy,” one of the blondes pipes up. “A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it.”
She says she’ll think about it. The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
“Whoa!” the first blonde asks. “How did you get that black eye?” “Chris hit me when I was blowing him,” she says.
“What on earth for?” the second blonde asks. “I don’t know,” she replies. “All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as how Pete’s and Richard’s are so cold.”
A man stayed in his house as a flood engulfed…
A man stayed in his house as a flood engulfed his town. Two men in a
rowboat came to his house and offered to take him to safety. “No thank you”,
the man said, “G-d will help me”. As the waters rose, the man retreated to
the second story of his house. Now, two men in a motorboat came by and offered
to rescue him. Again, the man declined, saying, “No thank you, G-d will
help me.” As the waters rose still higher, the man retreated again to the
rooftop of his house. A helicopter came by, and someone inside it threw down
a rope, urging the man to grab it and be pulled up into the helicopter. Once
more, the man declined and said, “No thank you, G-d will help me.” Whereupon
a mighty voice called out to the man, “You idiot! I sent you a rowboat,
a motorboat, and now a helicopter. What more do you want me to do?”.
Fore!!
A golfer shot his tee over a hill and onto the next fairway. As he went to retrieve his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground moaning in pain.
“I’m an attorney and this is going to cost you $5,000!”
“I’m really sorry…..but I did yell ‘FORE” ”
“I’ll take it!” the attorney said.
Climax
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem doctor.”
Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.”
“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”
“The problem is,” she complained, “It wakes me up.”
Man Falls Asleep At Church…
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very
embarrassing. What should I do?”
“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg.”
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
“Jesus!”, Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.
“Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is
your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.
“God!” Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
“Right again,” said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?”
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!”
“Amen,” replied the congregation.
Painting
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.” “But you are not wearing any of those things,” he replied. “I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”