Yours Fun Portal !
A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?”
“No,” replies his Advisor, “in her biology class.”
Little Johnny walks into his mothers room and catches her topless.
Mommy, Mommy, what are those? He says pointing to her breasts.
Well, son, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.
Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. Mommy, Mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!
What do you mean? Says his mother.
Well, she’s out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling, God, I’m coming! God, I’m coming!
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out of it.
16> Send in the Clones
15> You’re the Obi-Wan That I Want
14> Luke Be a Jedi
13> In the Still of the Carbonite
12> Wookiee Wonderland
11> T-H-E-F-O-R-C-E
10> Jedi From the Block
9> Don’t Cry for Me, R2D2
8> I’m Gonna Snatch That Han Right Out of That Lair
7> Meesa Horny
6> My Funny Palpatine
5> My Regards to Broadway, Please Give
4> I Like Big Hutts
3> Looking for Love in Alderan Places
2> Padme, Boy, Is That the Count You Call Count Dooku
1> I Want a Whole New Hand
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says “Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender says “Geez! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
“Yeah, my wife…”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
How can you tell a macho women? She rolls her own tampons.
Why did the blonde freeze to death at the drive-in?
She went to see “Closed for the season.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
good pun is its own reword. Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery. A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Is a pessimist’s blood type always b-negative? My friend really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time. Dijon vu – the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating – always use condiments. I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax. I wanted to be a plumber, but it was just a pipe dream I used to be a meat cutter, but I backed in to the grinder and got a little behind in it. I was a shoe salesman, but I got the boot. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Banning the bra was a big flop. Sea captains don’t like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. Without geometry, life is pointless. When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I. There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you. You seek problems because you need their gifts.
this blonde and her husband were sittin at home watchin tv and the mailman knocks on the door and says “mailman”.the blonde tells her husband and he said “fuck the maillman!!”.he went upstairs and he came bac downstairs and he found her and the mailman on the couch havin sex.hahahahaha
Knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband’s smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both see on TV called “Cold Turkey”. After about a week, I asked her how it was going. “Well, not too bad.” she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine. “I’ve gotten him down to about a pack a night now.” submitted by: Lisa
Q What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes?
A. The Mercedes has it’s pricks on the inside!
How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.
What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.
What’s the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.
What is “perfect pitch?”
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.
What’s the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don’t return it.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could’ve done it.
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.
What’s the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer might’ve been on his way to a recording session.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist’s car?
Take the Domino’s Pizza sign off the roof.
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
“Year-at-a-glance”
What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.
What’s the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
What’s a tuba for?
1-1/2″ by 3-1/2″
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.
“Hey buddy, how late does the band play?”
“Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer.”
How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.
How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
Give him music to read.
How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.
Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don’t play.
What’s the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn’t believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists’ heads are bigger.
What’s the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.
What’s the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
What’s the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don’t have to re-train the cellists.
Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn’t tell him which one. One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.
How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
How do you put a twinkle in a soprano’s eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.
How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?
She can’t find the key, and doesn’t know when to come in.
How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can’t get up that high.
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end… it would be a good idea.
Where’s a tenor’s resonance?
Where his brain should be.
What’s the definition of a male quartet?
Three man and a tenor.
If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?
What’s the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What’s the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
Why are conductor’s hearts so coveted for transplants?
They’ve had so little use.
A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor.
“I’m sorry, he’s dead,” comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. “I just like to hear you say it.”
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.
How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
“One, two, three; one, two, three.”
What’s the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn’t.
What’s the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would’ve done it.
What’s the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.