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10. Viagra, It’s ”Whaazzzzz Up!”
9. Viagra, the Quicker Pecker Upper
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
1. This is your penis………and this is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with Mr. Jones in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with Mr. Jones in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with Mr. Jones in Miami?
Witness: No.
The five toughest questions women ask – and their answers:
1. `What are you thinking?’
2. `Do you love me?’
3. `Do I look fat?’
4. `Do you think she’s prettier than me?’
5. `What would you do if I died?’
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1. `What are you thinking?’
The proper answer to this question, of course, is: ‘I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.’ Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a – football.
b – baseball.
c – How fat you are.
d – How much prettier she is than you.
e – How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married with Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. His answer: ‘If I wanted you to know I’d be talking instead of thinking’
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2. ‘Do you love me?’
The correct answer to this question is, ‘Yes.’
For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer. ‘Yes dear.’
Wrong answers include:
a – I suppose so.
b – Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c – That depends on what you mean by ‘love’.
d – Does it matter?
e – Who, me?
3. ‘Do I look fat?’
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state,
‘No, of course not’ and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a – I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.
b – Compared to what?
c – A little extra weight looks good on you.
d – I’ve seen fatter.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4. ‘Do you think she’s prettier than me?’
The ‘she’ in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passerby you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw.
In any case, the correct response is: ‘No, you are much prettier.’
Wrong answers include:
a – Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b – I don’t know how one goes about rating such things.
c – Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d – Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5. ‘What would you do if I died?’
Correct answer: ‘Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first truck that came my way.’
This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
‘Dear,’ said the wife, `what would you do if I died?’
‘why, dear, I would be extremely upset,’ said the husband. ‘Why do you ask such a question?’
‘Would you remarry?’ persevered the wife.
‘No, of course not, dear,’ said the husband.
‘Don’t you like being married?’ said the wife.
‘Of course I do, dear,’ he said.
‘Then why wouldn’t you remarry?’
‘All right,’ said the husband, ‘I’d remarry.’
‘You would?’ said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
‘Yes,’ said the husband.
`Would you sleep with her in our bed?’ said the wife after a long pause.
‘Well yes, I suppose I would,’ replied the husband.
‘I see,’ said the wife indignantly. ‘And would you let her wear my old clothes?’
‘I suppose, if she wanted to,’ said the husband.
‘Really,’ said the wife icily. `And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?’
‘Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.’
‘Is that so?’ said the wife, leaping to her feet. ‘And I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.’
‘Of course not, dear,’ said the husband. ‘She’s left-handed.’
What’s the best way to catch Pamela Anderson in the woods?
Use a booby trap!
A Welshman an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with
a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went
into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he
saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack
with his gun. The Englishman inside said…”Meow”.
“Just cats,” he thought.
He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got
off said….”woof”.
“Just dogs,” he thought.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going
to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said…..”Potatoes!”
That she had to put water all the way down and across the highway to play slip-n-slide!
Customer: (to bartender) “My wife and I just got into a knock down, drag out fight!” Bartender: What happened? Customer: When it was all over, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees! Bartender: Wow! What did she say? Customer: She said, “come out from under that bed right now you coward or I’ll kick your butt again!!”
A woman walks into the store and purchases the following:
1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women’s deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.
Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you’re f$%king ugly!
What about the blonde guy whose wife gave birth to twins?He wanted to know who the other man was.
“Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
[Uh-oh. Well, let’s give it a try anyway.] “Can you see the C:“What’s a sea-prompt?”
[Uh-huh, thought so. Let’s try a different tack.] “Never mind.“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I
type.”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged
into the wall.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the
back of your computer.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
[clear again] “No.”“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle –it’s
because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes–the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power–!?!” …[AAAAAAARGH!]
“A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!” [slam]
A duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “You got any fish?”
The bartender says, “No. This is a bar and we don’t sell fish” so the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck goes back to the bar and asks, “You got any fish?”
The bartender says,”I told you yeaterday. This is a bar and we don’t sell fish.”
Ther following day, the duck returns and asks,”You got any fish?”
The bartender looses it, grabs the duck bu the neck, and screams,”I TOLD YOU TWICE. THIS IS A BAR. WE DON”T SELL FISH IF YOU ASK AGAIN, I’M GONNS NAIL YOUR *@#& WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!”
The next day, the duck goes in the bar and asks, “Got any nails?”
The bartender sighs and says, “No, we don”t have any nails.”
The duck says,”Good. Got any fish?”
Why did the Oregon State psychology major climb up the chain link fence?
To see what was on the other side.