Author: admin

Chelsea’s Letter Home

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Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been six months since I left for college. I’m sorry I
haven’t written more often and I’m very sorry for my
unthoughtfulness. I’m sure you have been worried about me.

Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit
down Ok? Don’t read any further unless you’re sitting down.

Ok? Good.

I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory
when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much
healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always
said the girls in our family heal fast.

In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get
headaches three times a day now.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were
witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911.
He’s so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I
had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind
enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It’s really
a basement room, but it’s kind of cute.

He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen
deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven’t set
the exact date yet, but I’m sure that it will be before I start
to show. That’s right, Mom and Dad, I’m pregnant! I know how
much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know
that you will give that baby the same love, devotion and tender
care you gave me when I was growing up.

We would get married now, but we both failed our premarital
blood tests because of some minor infection. He told me about it
beforehand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to
worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections
should clear it up by next month.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He
is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious — just
like Dad!

Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I
know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you
won’t mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I’m
sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good
too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his
native African village. That’s an important government position
where he comes from. Well, I guess that’s all! Now you know why
I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter.

Now that I’ve brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you
know there was no dormitory fire, I didn’t suffer a concussion
or a skull fracture, I wasn’t in the hospital, I’m not pregnant,
I’m not engaged, I don’t have syphilis and there is no boyfriend
of another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote for
Gov. Bush, and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper
perspective.

Your loving daughter,

-Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great… I love it, though I miss you both
terribly…and Socks, too!

P.P.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica and the others.

La familia de Pepito est�

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La familia de Pepito est� invitada a una lujosa cena en una casa de gente arist�crata. Cuando la cena hab�a comenzado alguien sugiere hacer adivinanzas para ganarse el postre.

Uno de los comensales al ver el enorme anillo de una de las invitadas dice:

“Redondo y grueso a la mujer le llega hasta el hueso”.

Contesta Pepito: “ES EL BICHO, ES EL BICHO”.

La anfitriona molesta le dice al mayordomo: “Jaime los abrigos que los se�ores se retiran”.

El pap� de Pepito se disculp� de mil maneras asegurando que no volver�a a pasar. La anfitriona acepta de mala gana.

Viendo la yegua de la casa pasar por el jard�n un invitado dice:

“Larga y briosa a la mujer pone nerviosa”.

Vuelve a contestar Pepito: “ES EL BICHO, ES EL BICHO.”

Jaime, los abrigos de los se�ores que ya se retiran”.

Vueve a disculparse el pap� de Pepito. Se acepta la disculpa.

Al ver que el postre eran churros con chocolate otro invitado dice: “Largo y arrogante sale blando y chorreante”.

Pepito se pone de pie y dice:

“JAIME, POR FAVOR MI ABRIGO. �QUE ME JODA SI NO ES EL BICHO!”

Dog vs. Leopard at Safari

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A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his
faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts
chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is
lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, “Boyo, I’m in deep doo doo now.” (He was an
Irish setter)…. Then he noticed some bones on the ground close
by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly,
“Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any
more around here?”

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a
look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
“Whew”, says the leopard. “That was close. That dog nearly had
me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But
the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is
furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on
my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving
canine.”

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he
hasn’t seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to
hear, the dog says, “Where’s that monkey. I just can never trust
him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another
leopard, and he’s still not back!!”

Two piggies walk into a bar…

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Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, ”Where’s the bathroom?” The bartender points to the door and they rush in.

Two more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, ”Where’s the bathroom?” The bartender points to the door and they rush in.

One piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. ”Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?” says the bartender.

”No thanks,” the piggy slurs, ”I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way home!”

Se inicia un feroz incendio

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Se inicia un feroz incendio en una planta qu�mica. El due�o es sacado de la cama en medio de la noche y concurre desesperado, ya que sus f�rmulas secretas est�n en la caja fuerte de su oficina.

El incendio es violento; varias cuadrillas de bomberos se encuentran luchando contra las llamas y otras m�s vienen en camino. El propietario se dirige al Jefe de Bomberos:

“Mis f�rmulas est�n en la caja fuerte, no me importa la f�brica, pero necesito esas f�rmulas. Cien mil d�lares para la brigada que las rescate”.

La oferta incentiva a los bomberos quienes redoblan sus esfuerzos. Pese a ello, ninguno logra penetrar la furia de las llamas. Viendo que el fuego amenaza con destruir todo, el propietario redobla su oferta gritando:

“Jefe, 200 mil d�lares para la brigada que rescate las f�rmulas”.

Nadie consigue quebrar la barrera infernal. De repente, una cuadrilla de bomberos voluntarios jubilados se acerca al incendio en su vieja autobomba; sin detenerse en ning�n momento, lanzan la misma contra las llamas derribando paredes y penetrando en el coraz�n mismo del fuego.

Desde lejos, el resto de los bomberos ve a estos ancianos que luchan salvajemente, toman la caja y consiguen a duras penas abandonar las llamas, chamuscados y tosiendo. El propietario, feliz, se acerca al conductor diciendo:

“�Gracias, muchas gracias! Ha salvado mi vida y ha ganado la recompensa de 200 mil d�lares”.

Finalizado el desastre, el due�o se acerca a los ancianos:

“Ma�ana les entregar� el dinero que tan valientemente se han ganado, pero tengo una duda: �qu� har�n con el mismo?”

El chofer responde:

“Lo primero ser� arreglar los pinches frenos de la autobomba”.