3 men were stuck on an island. Using their nearly dead GPS they
find out land is only 100 miles from that island. After finding
this out the GPS dies. The first guy says “Well, I guess we
could swim.” So he sets off. He swims 10 miles, collapes, and
drowns. The second guy go 25 miles, collapes, and drowns. The
third guy goes 50 miles then says, “I’m getting tired, I think
I’ll go back.”
Author: admin
Chips
Man goes into a grocery store and says “Excuse me, do you have any helicopter flavored chips?”
Guy behind the counter says, “Sorry sir, we’ve only got plain.”
Lawyers and PC’s
The number of lawyers and personal computers has increased greatly over the last three decades. Unfortunately, the lawyers haven’t managed to get twice as fast and half as expensive with each passing year.
Swapping
Two couples who have been friends for years decide to spend the weekend at a fancy hotel.
When they get there, one of the husbands suggests they get a little wild and swap partners.
After two hours of solid sex by the fireside, the man turns to his new partner and says, �Wow! This is the best sex I�ve had in years.�
�Yeah,� his new companion agrees.
�I wonder how the girls are doing.�
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
6 inches
What is 6 inches long…..Has a big head….Woman love it?????
A $100 dollar bill!
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses…
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 Light breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend’s/husband’s ex – who has gained 30 lbs.
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
Your so fat
Your soo fat when you bungee jump u go straight to hell
Merle goes out drinking every night…
Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would
spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around
midnight each night.
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the
door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let
him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant
nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued
his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior and was
particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened and said, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently
when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving
words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways.”
The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he
arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in.
Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and
led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet
up on the ottoman, and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started
to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, “It’s pretty
late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think.”
At that, in his inebriated state he replied, “I guess we might as well. I’ll
get in trouble when I get home anyway!”
Floppy
Q: What is the difference between a computer and a woman?
A: A woman wont take a 3 1/2 inch floppy.
Ponder these!
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip’s Screwdriver?
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why is a wise man and wise guy opposites?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Have you ever noticed…. Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Suppose you were an idiot… And suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself.
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh….I could be eating a slow learner.
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?
When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
Divorce Time
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, “I want you to help me get a divorce.
The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.
My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.”
“What do you mean?” asked the attorney. “Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?”
“No,” replied the woman, “and neither does the little queer.”
Un borracho que caminaba se
Un borracho que caminaba se tropezaba con todos los postes de la vereda y un transe�nte le dice:
“Pero, �qu� est� haciendo?”
“�Puede contar cu�ntos chichones tengo?”
“12 chichones.”
“Entonces me faltan 2 postes para llegar a mi casa.”