a man came staggering into a bar and said, i want a drink. the bartender said, forget it guy, your too drunk, just go on home. the man refused to leave, so the bartender threw him out. the man crawled around on the ground till he finally got on his feet and staggered around to the side door and came into the bar again. the bartender grabbed him and threw him out again. The man finally got on his feet again and staggered around to the back of the bar and came in the back door of the bar. The bartender grabbed the man and threw him out again. The man looked up from the ground at the bartender and said in a slurred voice, tell me mister, do you work in every freaking bar in this town?
Author: admin
Clinton in Hell
President Clinton dies and descends into hell. As a professional courtesy to a
fellow, world class liar Satan greets the President personally.
‘Mr. President’ he says ‘we don’t normally do this. But I’m going to give you
three choices of your eternal punishment’.
‘Great’ says Bill. ‘But once you’ve picked there is no going back. It will be
your fate for the remainder of time. This time I’m not lying’. First they come
to a dark, burning pit. Adolf Hitler is naked and being speared by and an army
of demons. He’s bleeding and screaming madly. Bill cringes and says he could
never handle the pain. Next they come to a hot, burning cave. Saddam Hussein is
naked with his limbs stretched and broken. Devils are burning his flesh with hot
coals. Once again Bill retreats and refuses the option. Finally they come to a
pleasant, cool room. Ken Starr is naked on a table and Monica Lewinksy is giving
him what she loves to give best. Bill smiles and says ‘now that’s more like it’.
Satan agrees and says ‘Very well. Ms. Lewinksky, your replacement has arrived.’
To
To look in the sky and see stars.
A new car.
One day a mother and father were having sex and their son walked in. “What are you doing, the kid asked”.
Well, you wanted a brother, so we’re making you one.
The next day, the father walks outside and sees his son porking away on the family junker’s tailpipe.
“Son…what the hell are you doing!!!”
And the son replied – “Mom said she wanted an new car, so I’m making her one!”
“CLINTONATOR”?
Q: Did you hear that Dr. Kevorkian has renamed his death machine
“CLINTONATOR”?
A: Unlike a respirator it doesn’t let the patient inhale.
Baldness
Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
He wanted to run his fingers through his hair!
Happy Pit
Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit-bull
Realtor Doubletalk
Ever read realty ads and see all the nice things they say about
the homes for sale – but read between the lines to find out what
the ads are really describing:
Handyman’s Delight – Really a handyman’s nightmare! Better tear
the place down and re-build from scratch.
Great neighborhood near conveniences – on a noisy, busy street.
Near playground where street gangs congregate at night. Houses
are so close you can hear your neighbors breathing.
Acerage included – High taxes, high taxes, high taxes!
With a little imagination, this could be your dream house – see
Handyman’s delight
Income potential – If you want to invest a Donald Trump sized
bank account, you can convert this into rental property. Good
luck trying to collect from your deadbeat tenants.
Appliances included – but they don’t work. You’ll have to buy
new ones anyway and be burdened with disposing of the old ones.
Nobody gives up a good freezer, stove, washer or refrigerator.
Excellent starter home – it’s so small (how small is it?) you’ll
break the back window when you put the key in the front door.
Extensive deferred maintenance throughout – see handyman’s
delight.
Custom design – see entropy at work. This has a sunken living
room – literally. The kitchen had slid 50 feet down the hillside
after the last heavy rainfall. Skylights are really holes in the
roof left by a hurricane. Heated pool in cellar is created by
the leaking water heater.
For the discriminating buyer – You must have Bill Gates’ income.
Has floors, roof and windows – Wow! I always wanted those
ammenities.
Has possibilities – see handyman’s delight.
Peace and privacy – A hundred miles from anywhere. No
electricity, indoor plumbing or central heat. Chipmunks,
mosquitoes and bears are your closest neighbors.
Spacious, with catherdral ceiling – Think about fuel bills when
trying to heat this monstrosity!
On corner lot – Pedestrians, bikers and vehicular traffic make
short-cuts across your front lawn.
A great fixer-upper – Ever see the movie “The Money Pit”?
Be the frist to see this one – It’s been on the market six years
without an offer.
Has the elegance and charm of yesteryear – see Peace and Privacy
& Handyman’s Delight.
Bar
Two blondes walked into a bar, ya think one of them would have seen it!
Redneck quickies 28
You might be a rednack if…
You’ve ever re-used a paper plate.
Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.
When you hear someone talking about the king you don’t know whether they’re talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.
You complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make half your guns illegal.
You use a pig for a garbage disposal.
You can’t go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck’s gas cap.
You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.
You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.
Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.
You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.
You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.
You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.
A tornado goes through your trailer’s yard and makes it look neater.
You’ve got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.
You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.
You think “Meals on Wheels” is another name for roadkill.
You spell fertilizer with only 4 letters.
You shot your own 12 point coat rack.
You’ve ever slam-shifted a tractor.
Why must we learn this?
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, “Why do we have to learn this pointless information””To save lives.” the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” he persisted.”It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school,” replied the professor.
The Top 16 Signs Your TV Weather Person Is Losing It
16> “And if we look at the satellite picture we see this large cloud formation that looks like the Wicked Witch of the West. And look! This one looks like an elephant…”
15> Attempts to use the Doppler radar to catch speeding cars along the freeway.
14> The pointer she’s using to draw attention to that high pressure cell over Kansas shouldn’t vibrate, should it?
13> Ends every sentence with “…if the Dark Lord deems it acceptable.”
12> Bogarts all the chili beans from the studio commissary’s salad bar in preparation for his on-air demonstration of wind shear.
11> Shows up in an undershirt and replaces the “wind chill factor” with the “headlight factor.”
10> Screams, “Yeah, but it’s a DRY heat” when his leg gets humped during the pet adoption segment.
9> Wants everyone to think his *real* name is “Storm.”
8> Her new “Doppler Radar Storm Tracker 2000” looks like an old microwave oven with some Hello Kitty stickers stuck on the door.
7> Sacrifices the sports guy to the Rain God — but does it off-camera, dammit!
6> Still uses 10-10-321 even after you told him about 10-10-220.
5> Does the forecast without pants and apologizes for not being able to point to the temperatures north of the equator.
4> Actually thinks he can become a multi-millionaire late night TV talk show host.
3> “…Turning to the five-day forecast on our Doppler radar, we see the Monistat is really clearing up my yeast infection!”
2> Has begun mumbling, “If there’s even gonna BE a tomorrow,” after each forecast.
1> Weekend forecast calls for scattered showers and “a chance of love.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]