You’re a redneck if…. Your wife’s best pair of shoes is steel-toed Red
Wings.
Author: admin
MUJER INTERNET: mujeres de dif�cil
MUJER INTERNET: mujeres de dif�cil acceso.
MUJER SERVIDOR: est� siempre ocupada cuando usted quiere usarla.
MUJER WINDOWS: todo el mundo sabe que no sirve, pero nadie vive sin ella.
MUJER POWERPOINT: solamente Bill Gates tiene la paciencia para aguantarla por m�s de media hora.
MUJER EXCEL: dicen que hace muchas cosas, pero usted tan s�lo la utiliza para las cuatro operaciones b�sicas.
MUJER WORD: tiene siempre una sorpresa reservada para usted y no existe nadie en el mundo que la comprenda totalmente.
MUJER D.O.S.: todos la usaron alg�n d�a, pero nadie la quiere ahora.
MUJER BACKUP: usted siempre cree que tiene lo suficiente, pero a la hora de ‘vamos a ver’ falta algo.
MUJER VIRUS: tambi�n conocida como esposa. Cuando usted menos lo espera, ella llega, se instala y va apoder�ndose de todos sus recursos. Si usted intenta desinstalarla, va a perder algunas cosas; si no lo intenta, pierde todo.
MUJER SCANDISK: sabemos que ella es buena y que solamente quiere ayudar, pero en el fondo nadie sabe realmente que est� haciendo.
MUJER SCREENSAVER: no sirve para nada, pero te divierte.
MUJER PAINTBRUSH: �nicamente sirve para sus hijos.
MUJER RAM: aquella que olvida lo que hace apenas se desconecta.
MUJER HARDDISK: aquella que se acuerda de todo, todo el tiempo.
MUJER MOUSE: exclusivamente funciona cuando es arrastrada y presionada.
MUJER MOUSEPAD: es la mujer ‘felpudo’ versi�n a�o 2000.
MUJER MULTIMEDIA: hace que todo parezca bonito.
MUJER JOYSTICK: vive dej�ndolo a usted con la mano sudada y con calambres en el brazo.
MUJER MICROSOFT: quiere dominar a cualquier hombre que aparezca a su alrededor, e intentar� convencerlo de que eso es lo mejor para usted. Idea planos para enfrentarlo a usted contra otras mujeres y promete que har� lo que usted quiera si tira su agenda con los tel�fonos de sus amigas. Sin que usted lo perciba, poco a poco, ella ser� la �nica en su vida. Llegar� un d�a que, hasta para abrir la heladera o tomar las llaves del coche, usted tendr� que pedir su permiso.
MUJER PASSWORD: Usted cree el �nico que la conoce, pero la conoce medio mundo.
MUJER MP3: Todos quieren baj�rsela.
MUJER USUARIO: No hace nada bien y pide m�s de lo que necesita.
MUJER ANALISTA-PROGRAMADOR: Se la pasa cocinando, se la pasa remendando.
MUJER CPU: por fuera pareciera que tiene de todo, pero por dentro est� casi vac�a.
MUJER MONITOR: Le hace ver la vida con los m�s lindos colores.
MUJER LECTORA CD: Cada vez son m�s r�pidas.
MUJER DATAWAREHOUSING: Le informa de todo, menos lo que realmente te interesa.
MUJER E-MAIL: De cada diez cosas que informa, ocho son pendejadas, como �sta.
Thirty Minutes to a Cleaner House
You’re getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess.
WHAT WILL YOU DO?
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If you’re a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you. However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you.
SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can’t be whipped into shape in 30 days–much less 30 minutes–employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked. CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds
SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it’s a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes
SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they’re a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company’s coming.
Time: 2 minutes
SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS
Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger.
CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.
Time: 2.5 minutes
SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS
Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.
Time: 3 minutes
SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES
No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle’s highest and best use is to hide whatever you’ve managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)
Time: 4 minutes
SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING
The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around.
Time: 3 minutes
SECRET TIP 8: DISHES
Don’t use them. Use plastic or paper and you won’t have to.
Time: 1 minute
SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING (EEWWW)
This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teen’s mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two …if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it.
CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don’t care if they get in a car wreck. Time: 3 seconds
SECRET TIP 10: IRONING
If an article of clothing doesn’t require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so I’m told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy.
Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)
SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING
Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don’t bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway.
Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only
SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING
The key here is low, low, and lower. It’s not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
Time: 10 seconds
SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING
Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.
Time: 0
SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS
Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.
Time: 1 minute
SECRET TIP 15:
If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don’t even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.
The Pirate
The Pirate
A fellow stops by his favorite bar one afternoon for a few drinks� after a couple of drinks he sees a pirate sitting at the other end of the bar, peg leg, patch over one eye, hook. He moves next to the pirate and asks, �Are you a real pirate�?
�Aye, that I am matey�, replies the pirate.
�How did you lose your leg�, the fellow asked. The pirate replied, �I was about to board a Man-O-War I was, when she fired a broadside and a cannon ball took me leg off it did�.
�Oh my, that�s horrible, how did you lose your hand�, said the fellow, looking at the hook replacing the right hand. The pirate held the hook up and said,�I was swinging over to a ship with me cutlass in me teeth, when a fellow cut off me hand with his sword, he did.
�Oh my�, said the fellow. �How did you lose your eye�, he asked. �I was ashore one day and as I looked up a seagull shit right in me eye, he did�, replied the pirate. �And that put your eye out�, asked the fellow�
�NO�, replied the pirate, �IT WAS THE FIRST DAY WITH ME NEW HOOK IT WAS�.
He or She???
Reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
Embarrassed Archeologist
How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a used tampon and say, “What period is this from?”
Hair Cuts
Woman1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!
Woman2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me
the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?
Woman1: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair
cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much
stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable, and
you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look
so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I
was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman1: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck!
Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for
a shoulder line.
Woman2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to
have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I
mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had
your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much
easier………
Men’s version:
Man1: Haircut?
Man2: Yeah.
Things Will Rogers Never Said
(but probably wishes he had)
- Every teen-ager should get a high school education — even if they already know everything
- Somethings that cost $5 to buy several years ago now costs $10 just to repair
- A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can’t spell
- The outcome of the income depends on the outgo for the upkeep
- Here’s a new invention — a solar-powered clothes dryer. It’s called a clothes line
- Leaders go down in history — some farther down than others
- Any man who laughs at women’s clothes has never paid the bill for them
- Four-word story of failure: Hired, tired, mired, fired
- For every judge operating in an official capacity, there are 100 who are self-appointed
- It is when we forget ourselves that we do things that are most likely to be remembered
- The more you know, the more you know you ought to know
- The argument you just won with your spouse isn’t over yet
- The law of gravitation is the only law that everybody observes
Fun to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
Yo mamma
yo momma is so fat they had to vaptise her in the ocean
Coming home late
Dave’s friends came up to him after work one day and asked him to go out for a beer with them. Dave replied “No, I can’t. My wife gets really pissed if I come home late.” Dave’s friend said “When you get home, just go slide beneath the sheets, pull her panties down and give her oral sex.”So Dave goes out with his friends and has a great time. When he comes home hours later, he goes into his room and slides beneath the sheets. He pulls down her panties and begins to give her oral sex. She starts to moan and groan. After awhile, Dave tells her that he has to go take a leak and for her to wait there. When Dave gets to the bathroom he’s stunned to see his wife sitting on the john. “How did you get here?” he asked. “Shhhh,” she replied. “My Mom is sleeping.”Submitted By: Julia
What is it?
What is greater than god, more evil than the devil, poor people have it,
rich people want it, and if you eat it you will die?
Nothing. Nothing’s greater than god, nothing’s worse than the devil, poor
people have nothing, the rich people want nothing more than he already
has, if you eat nothing you die.