Author: admin

The American and the Japanese

Posted on by admin

There is a war going on and the Americans control one side of a
river and the Japanese control the other side. There is an
American soldier patrolling one side of the river and a Japanese
on the other. Every day at the same time the American and the
Japanese meet at the same spot, and the two are always trying to
talk but they can’t understand what each other are saying.

So one day the Japanese soldier makes a motion that resembled
the sun rising over a mountain. So the American says, “Ya the
sun rising over the mountain, but I don’t understand what you
are talking about.” So the two keep walking. The next day the
Japanese makes a swimming motion to the American, so the
American says, “Ya swimming but I still don’t understand what
you are talking about.” So they keep on walking.

The next day they meet and the Japanese makes motions like a
river, and the American says, “Ya the river but I still don’t
know what you are talking about.” So the two keep walking. The
next day the Japanese puts two of his fingers in a circle made
from his fingers. So the American says, “Ya dig a hole but I
still have no clue what you are talking about.” So they keep
walking.

The next day they meet and the Japanese makes a motion like his
eyes are popping out. So the American goes, “Oh shit!” and takes
off running to his General. Once he gets there he says to his
General. “General, General, the Japanese on the other side of
the river says that tomorrow when the sun rises over the
mountain he is going to swim across the river, and fuck me up
the ass till my eyes pop out.”

Company Trucks

Posted on by admin

The following are ways to determine whether a truck is company owned:

1. Company trucks travel faster in all gears.

2. They accelerate much faster than personal trucks, leaving tire marks on
pavement.

3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance, leaving more tire marks.

4. They can take bumps at twice the speed of private trucks.

5. Company trucks normally require oil changes at 100,000 mile intervals.

6. Their floors are shaped like ash trays, and accommodate milk cartons, coke
bottles, leftover food, and paper wrappers.

7. They can be driven 100 miles or more with the oil pressure light flashing.

8. They are adapted to allow the transmission to be shifted into reverse while
going forward at 20 mph.

9. Their tire walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs.

10. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning the
radio volume up.

11. Company trucks are not designed to be washed or waxed or to retain
hubcaps.

12. All company trucks have many dents in the body, inflicted by a
mysterious person called “not me”.

You Bet Your (Sex) Life

Posted on by admin

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of
strokes.

The golfer says to him, “I’d give anything to sink this next putt.”

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, “Would you give up a fourth of your
sex life?”

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless,
but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, “Okay,” and sinks the
putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, “Boy, if I could only get an eagle on
this hole.”

The same stranger moves to his side and says, “Would it be worth another
fourth of your sex life?”

The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.”

He makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.

Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, “Would you be
willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?”

The golfer says, “Certainly!” He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,
“You know, I’ve really not been fair with you because you don’t know who I am.
I’m the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s Father O’Malley.”

Hey Li’l Buddy

Posted on by admin

A man walks into a bar and says, ”Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy.” Bartender says, ”You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?” The guy says, ”Oh, I want them both now. I’ve got my best buddy in my pocket here.” He then pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks, ”You mean to say, he can drink that much?” ”Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some,” the man retorted. So, the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. ”That’s amazing!” says the bartender. ”What else can he do? Can he walk?” The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, ”Hey, Rodney, go fetch that quarter.” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. ”That’s amazing!” he says. ”What else can he do? Does he talk?” The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and says, ”Talk? Sure he talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native Witch doctor a dickhead!”

Election Talk

Posted on by admin

A husband and wife are campaigning for a friend who is contesting the local elections. They both become so busy that they do not think of anything else but about the elections so much so that they communicate about everything in political language. One night the husband wants to have sex desperately, but seeing the wife busy doing some work, goes to her and says, “I would like to put my candidate in your legislature.” The wife, not realizing this was meant for something else, without raising her head says, “Our party is not going to accept this.” The husband is disappointed but he goes to sleep. After some time the wife realizes what the husband meant, so she wakes him up and tells him, “Darling, now you can put your candidate in my legislature.” Husband, “Sorry, I cannot do that. My candidate stood independent and lost his deposit.”

Wedding Toasts 4

Posted on by admin

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.

I want a husband who is decent, God-fearing, well-educated, smart, sincere, respectful, treats me as an equal, has a great body, and has the same interests in life as me. Now I don’t think that’s too much to ask of a billionaire, do you?

I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

John, you know I can’t marry you. You are an accountant. I prefer a man who builds things, who makes things, like an engineer who…makes half-a-million dollars a year…

Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.

Life’s a bitch, and then you marry one.

Life sucks…and then you marry someone who doesn’t!

Look the bride in the eye and ask, “If I’m the best man, how come you’re marrying HIM???”

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Love is a thousand miles long, but comes in six inch installments.

Love is a word composed of two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.

Love is the dawn of marriage, and marriage is the sunset of love.

Love may conquer everything, but it needs Time as its Field General.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Make love, not war, or do both: get married.

Man and wife make one fool.

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world’s greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

Marital Logic: 1) Marriage is an institution. 2) Marriage is love. 3) Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.

May the bluebird of happiness crap all over your wedding cake.

May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.

May you grow so rich your widow’s second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.

May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.

May you live as long as long as you want to, and may you want to as long as you live!

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.

May you never leave your marriage alive.

May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife away, your nose always.

May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.

May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.

Plane Crash

Posted on by admin

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, “You’re lucky that you don’t have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.” Janet responded, “Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that’s “politically correct” for ugly) doesn’t mean I don’t have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.” Hillary asks, “Well, how do you deal with the problem?” “Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can”, says Janet. That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolls over and says, “Janet, is that you?”

Call Me Lucky

Posted on by admin

A man named Bob was walking down the street when he saw his old
friend Craig. Craig says, “Hello Bob. But Bob tells him not to
call him Bob but to call him Lucky. “Why should i call u lucky?”
says Bob.”
“Well i was walking down the street the other day and had just
stopped on the side of the road. Then the light went green and i
began to cross the road. Seconds later, a safe fell from the
building directly under where the man was standing.

“Wow thats pretty lucky.” says Craig. So they say goodbye and
walk away. Craig sees bob again next week and says “Hi Lucky.
Bob tells him not to call him Lucky but to call him Lucky Lucky.
Craig asks him why and Bob says, “I was crossing the road when i
tripped over and hurt my ankle. I was about to get up when i saw
a car speeding down the street. i was trying to get up but it
was getting closer and closer. All of a sudden the car crashed
into another car that was coming from side on.

“Wow thats pretty lucky” says Craig and they say goodbye and
leave. Next week Bob is walking down the street and he sees
Craig again. Craig says, “Hello Lucky Lucky.” Bob says “don’t
call me Lucky Lucky. Call me lucky lucky lucky.”

Bob tells him that just the other day he took his girlfriend out
to dinner and they were both incredibley horny so they went to a
hotel and were getting it on when the shandalier fell and
smashed his girlfriends cunt.

Craig says,”Whats so Lucky about that?”

Then Bob answers, well if it happened 10 seconds earlier it
would have cut my head off!”