A nurse walks into a bank to cash a cheque.
She reaches into her handbag and pulls a out a rectal thermometer..
“Great, just great…,” she says to the teller.
“That means some asshole’s got my pen.”
Submitted by Chunks
Edited by Calamjo
Author: admin
The Watchtower
A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island. The wife begins to lose interest in her husband and wishes on a star that she would find another man. The next day a man is washed on shore. He is very nice looking and finds immediate interest in the wife. The husband was very pleased that there was another man to help work.
So they started on building a watchtower. The stranger and wife wanted to have mad passionate sex on the beach. So he tried to think of a plan. SO then the stranger offered to watch first from the watchtower. While the husband and wife worked, the stranger yelled, ”Hey! No screwing! Get back to work!”
At this, the couple yelled back, ”We’re not screwing!”
A little while later the man again yelled out to them. And again the couple denied it. This happened several times during his shift up in the watchtower, and when his turn was over, the husband took over. With that, the stranger made love to the wife on the beach. The husband, watching, exclaimed, ”Wow, it really does look like they’re screwing from up here!”’
Pepito se acerca a su
Pepito se acerca a su padre con las calificaciones de la escuela en la mano:
“Aqu� est�n las calificaciones, pap�”.
El progenitor las revisa y exclama sorprendido:
“�No puede ser, Pepito, son puros cincos! �Esto amerita una golpiza!”
“�S�, pap�, yo s� donde vive la maestra!”
Yo mamma’s so fat!
Yo mamma’s so fat the cops had to use “The Jaws of life” to get her INTO her car!
FAITH IN THE LORD
A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped
too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he
reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the
cliff.
Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a
shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should
slip again he’d plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries out, “Help me!” But
there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail. Finally he
yelled, “Is anybody up there?�
A deep voice replied, “Yes, I’m up here.”
“Who is it?”
“It’s the Lord.”
“Can you help me?”
“Yes, I can help. Have faith in me.”
“Help me!”
“Let go.”
Looking around the man became full of panic. “What?!?!”
“Have faith in me. Let go. I will catch you.”
“Uh… Is there anybody else up there?”
This Santa is ticked off!
You think you got it bad? All night long I deal with soot in the chimneys, smelly socks, cross dogs, getting shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow – damn near got killed by a 747. Mrs. Clause is pissed off cause I got in so late.
Donner and Blitzen and Rudolph got the “runs” over Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The freaking elves won’t clean the sleigh unless I pay them double time.
I’m so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit. The only highball I had all night was when I slipped getting out of my sleigh
My prostate is giving me hell. I peed my pants at 20,000 feet and froze my butt to the seat. I’m allergic to pine needles. I itch all over and I think my hemorrhoids are back.
HO! HO! HO! A very MERRY CHRISTMAS,…NOT! Santa
Tonto and buffalo
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.
After a few seconds he rose and said “Buffalo come.”
The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed “Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?”
Tonto replied, “Face sticky.”
House Painting
One summer day, a blonde told her husband before he left for work that she was going to paint the house that day. It was her day off and she wanted to do something useful. He went to work only to return for lunch five hours later.He expected to find some progress done on the house, but instead found his wife lying in their yard with a few jackets on, despite the hot day. “What are you doing?” he asked. “I prepared to paint the house, but when I read the instructions on the paint can, it said to apply three coats and sun dry.”
Sheep
There was once a blonde who was sick and tired of blonde jokes so she died her hair red. she was driving around Derby when she stopped to talk to a shepard. she said “If I can guess how many sheep you have then can I have one?” She thought for a while then said “382”. the shepard said “wow thats correct, you can have any one that you want”. She picked one and put it in her car but before she got into her car the shepard said “If I can guess the real colour of your hair then can I have my dog back?”
Hab�a unos chiquillos en el
Hab�a unos chiquillos en el hospital porque su mam� iba a tener a su tercer hijo.
“Ya viste Rafa, �qu� es eso?”
“No lo s�, Andr�s.”
En eso el nuevo beb� sale y el galeno como es costumbre le da la nalgada para que empiece a llorar. Los dos ni�os asustados:
“�Ahhhhhh! Rafael, �por qu� est� llorando?”
“Pues porque le peg�.”
S�, pero �por qu� le pega a mi hermanito?”
“�Pues ya viste donde fregados estaba escondido!”
Johnny is Drinking Again
An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, “Give me a double Scotch on the rocks.”
“What do you want to do, get me in trouble?” the barmaid asked.
“Maybe later,” the kid said. “Right now, I just want the Scotch.”
Men and foreplay
Q: What’s the average man’s definition of foreplay?
A: Unzipping his fly.