One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way. Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling. “What are those big bulges in your running shorts?” she asked. “Tennis balls,” answered the man, smiling back. “Wow,” said the blonde, looking upset.”That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable.”
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Two Scottish nuns go to America
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, “I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replied, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.
“Two dogs, please,” said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their ‘dogs.’
The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously,
“What part did you get?”
Keep the motor running
It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”He answered ” You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said “You really are amazing. How do you do it?”He again said “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.” The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said “You must be quite a man.”He responded “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil in that old motor, this one’s black.”
The Classic Math Pro
In 1960 “A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?”In 1970 (traditional math): “A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price; in other words $80. What is his profit?In 1970 (new math): “A logger exchanged a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make one hundred dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C of the costs of production contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a subset of M, and answer the following question: ‘What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?'”In 1980: “A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.”In 1990 (outcome based education): “By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)”- Extracted from “21st Century Science and Technology,” Winter, 1993-4, p.12
Intelligent Life
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the
scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head
scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a
congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
“Mr. President,” said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, “after twelve years of
hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent
life on Mars.”
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a
frown.
He said, “But that’s impossible . . . we could never do it. . . yes Mr.
President,” and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring
at him curiously.
“I have some bad news,” he said, “the President said that now that we’ve found
intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress.”
Helpdesk Nightmares
Tech Support: I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.
Customer : OK.
Tech Support: Did you get a pop-up menu?
Customer : No.
Tech Support: OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?
Customer : No.
Tech Support: OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
until this point?
Customer : Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote
‘click’.
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest
of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn’t,
however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: OK, did you type ‘click’ with the keyboard?
Customer : I have done something dumb, right?
What do you call
What do you call a Mexican woman with a dropped uterus?
– cuntswaylo
Estaba Caperucita Roja paseando por
Estaba Caperucita Roja paseando por el bosque, de repente se encuentra con el Lobo Feroz, y este le dice:
“Caperucita, �qu� llevas en la canastita?”
Caperucita responde:
“Unos bizcochos para mi Abuelita.”
El lobo le dice:
“�Me dejas ver?”
“S�.”
El lobo empieza a mirar y le dice:
“Pero Caperucita, tienes un pelo en el bizcocho.”
Esta le responde:
“Pues claro, no ves que tengo quince a�itos.”
Q. Who do you never play cards with?…
Q. Who do you never play cards with?
A. A cheetah!!
Hunting Accident
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. His eyes are rolled back in his head and he doesn’t seem to be breathing. The other hunter takes out his cell phone and calls for help.
He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm voice, says: “Just take it easy. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is silence on the phone, then a shot is heard and the hunter’s voice comes back on the line. “OK,” he says, “now what?”
Burger King
Your momma is so old . . .
She knew Burger King when he was a prince!
Marooned
A shipwrecked sailor spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, “With the captain’s compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.”