Author: admin

Aerial Photo Shoot

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The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his photographers, “There’s a fire raging out of control west of town, and I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get some good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don’t worry about the expense.”

So, the reporter calls the local FBO and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot, “Let’s go, take off.”

As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him, “See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can.”

Incredulous, the pilot says, “You want me to fly over that fire?”

“Sure!”, the reporter says. “I am a photojournalist and that’s why I am here–to take dramatic shots of the fire!”

The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

The Cowboy Code

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THE COWBOY CODE

1. A cowboy removes his hat when entering the presence of a lady, although he may leave it on if she works in a saloon.

2. A cowboy says EXCUSE ME, MA’AM, when leaving a lady’s presence.

3. A cowboy says PARDON ME, MA’AM, when bumping into a lady, or treading on her feet.

4. A cowboy never sits, while a lady is standing, unless he feels particularly tired, or his feet hurt.

5. A cowboy allows a lady to go through a doorway, first, especially if he thinks one of his enemies may try to shoot him in a cowardly ambush. She would provide good cover.

6 . A cowboy does not spit on the floor, but if he does, he will point it out to the ladies so they will not drag their skirts through it.

7. A cowboy never tracks horse poop into a lady’s house. He should leave his boots outside the door, unless his feet stink as bad as the horse poop, in which case, he should just go someplace else. Maybe the saloon, where the stench of horse poop is no worse than the stench of cow poop.

8. A cowboy does not pick his nose at the table, unless it will help him breath better or eliminate a whistle that otherwise might become annoying to the ladies.

9. A cowboy does not scratch his groin, his armpits, or suck on the ends of his mustache, when a lady is near.

10. A cowboy does not swear or make reference to bodily functions, in the presence of a lady.

11. A cowboy must not sneeze at the table. If a strong need arises that cannot be resisted, he will turn his head away from the lady, so she won’t be sprayed and perhaps be struck by a stray booger.

12. A cowboy does not noisily slurp his coffee in the presence of a lady. Instead, he should hold the saucer steady with both hands, tip it toward his mouth, and slurp silently.

13. A cowboy does not fart in the presence of a lady…not even silently. If he does, it might stink, and she may smell it and possibly think that he is not actually a gentleman.

14. A cowboy will grasp a lady’s elbow to help her onto a horse or into a carriage. He should never, ever push on her derriere to give her a boost, because she might kick his teeth out, unless she works in the saloon.

49 cents

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On a trip to the USA, a wealthy Arab fell in love with Susan.

He begged her to marry him, but she refused, saying that she had no intention of leaving America to live in a desert.

Immediately, the Arab bought several grand homes across the USA, from New England to California, and he took Susan on a tour of the homes, flying her from place to place in his private jet.

Susan was impressed, and she agreed to marry him.

Six weeks later, in tears, she phoned her father and asked him to take her back home.

“Whatever for?” asked her father.

“I’ve married a pervert,” she cried.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said. “Just come and take me home.”

So her father drove to her New England home.

Arriving there, richly ornate gold gates opened electronically, and he drove along a wide, straight drive lined with oaks and maples.

And at the end of the mile-long drive was a building so grand that it made the White House look like a dog kennel.

He climbed the solid marble steps to huge doors, at least twelve feet tall, and there he met his daughter, waiting for him with her two bags packed and ready to go.

“Oh, father,” she cried. “Take me away from here at once. I cannot bear to stay a moment longer.”

Her father could not believe that she should want to leave such splendor.

“What’s wrong, dear?” he asked.

“The man is a pervert!” she exclaimed.

He asked his daughter to explain this perversion that was upsetting her so.

“When I married him,” she sobbed, “my asshole was as tight as a penny piece, and now, it’s as big as a half dollar.”

“Nay,” said her father. “surely you’re not go to leave all this for the sake of forty-nine cents!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

On a Diet

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A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a
diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you,
you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing
nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did
you follow my instructions?” The blonde nodded… “I’ll tell you
though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.” “From
hunger, you mean?”, asked the doctor.” “No, from skipping.”

Worst Christmas Joke in the World…. Ever

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A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. ”I think it’s raining”, he said to his wife. ”No, that felt more like snow to me”, she replied. ”No, I’m sure it was just rain”, he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a communist party official walking toward them. ”Let’s not fight about it”, the man said, ”Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing”. As the official approached, the man said, ”Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?” ”It’s raining, of course”, he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted: ”I know that felt like snow!” To which the man quietly replied: ”Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear”

Just idle conversation…

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A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.
He turns to bartender and says, “Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . ..”

“STOP pal – I don’t allow talk about politics in my bar!” interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the guy tried again, “People say about the Pope …”
“NO religion talk, either,” the bartender cuts in.

One more try to break the boredom…” I thought the Yankees would…”
“NO sports talk…That’s how fights start in bars!” the barman said.

“Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?”
“Sure, that we can talk about”, replies the barkeep.

“GREAT… GO SCREW YOURSELF!”