Author: admin

Dangerous Golf Courses

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The next time you complain about that tricky water hole on your favorite golf course, just be glad it isn’t filled with crocodiles. According to the April issue of Men’s Health magazine, here are the 10 most dangerous golf courses around the world:

Lost City Golf Course, Sun City, South Africa: The 13th green is fronted by a stone pit filled with crocodiles, some stretching up to 15 feet long.

Elephant Hills Country Club, Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe: The fairways are sometimes marked by craters caused by mortar shells fired across the Zambezi River.

Compton Par-3 Golf Course, Compton, California: If you like high caliber excitement, this is your place. Home to Crips versus Bloods, Ryder Cup-style competition.

Machrie Hotel Golf Course, Islay, Scotland: On this old-fashioned, lay of the land links, virtually every drive and approach is blind, played over huge sand dunes. Incoming!

Scholl Canyon Golf Course, Glendale, California: Built on a landfill, it ran into difficulties when golfers snagged clubs on buried tires and methane gas rose up from the divots. They now pump the gas to the local power company.

Pelham Bay and Split Rock golf courses, Bronx, New York: Pelham’s remote location makes it ideal for dumping unfortunate souls. In a recent 10-year period, 13 bodies were said to have been found.

Singapore Island Country Club, Singapore: In the 1982 Singapore Open, pro Jim Stewart encountered a 10-foot cobra. He killed it, only to watch in horror as another emerged from its mouth.

Beachwood Golf Course, Natal, South Africa: Mrs. Molly Whitaker successfully executed a bunker shot here a few years back, but was then attacked by a monkey who leaped from the bush and tried to strangle her. An alert caddie dispatched the ape.

Plantation Golf and Country Club, Gretna, Louisiana: With 18 holes shoved into 61 acres (less than half the norm) players must huddle against protective fencing while awaiting their turn.

Lundin Links, Fife, Scotland: Enjoyable links near St. Andrews, unless you’re Harold Wallace, who in 1950 was hit by a train while crossing the tracks beyond the fifth green.

Vampires

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There were these two vampires talking. One says to the other, “I heard on TV that wine is good for the health.” The other one said, “Well, let’s go to Italy, then. The Italians drink lots of wine.” So they go to Italy, stand on the bridge and wait. A woman walks by, the vampires kill her, drink her blood and throw the body over the bridge. A few minutes later, a man walks by. They kill him, drink his blood and throw his body over the bridge. Then another man comes along, and they kill him too. Just as they were about to throw the body over the bridge, they hear a voice singing. The two vampires look down to see an alligator under the bridge, singing, “Drained wops keep falling on my head…”

En esta �poca se habla

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En esta �poca se habla mucho de la paz y de los procesos que muy posiblemente producir�n resultados para alcanzarla. Por eso, ahora, es importante conocer el glosario de la paz.

La paloma: Es el p�jaro de la paz.

La mujer: Es la paz del p�jaro.

El soltero: No deja el p�jaro en paz.

La soltera: Conoce el p�jaro, pero no la paz.

La divorciada: Perdi� la paz y el p�jaro.

La casada: Tiene seguro el p�jaro y la paz.

El viejo: Tiene el p�jaro en paz.

La vieja: Deber�a estar en paz pero siempre est� pensando en el p�jaro.

El maric�n: Quiere la paz por delante y el p�jaro por detr�s.

Amazing Anagrams

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An Anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the
letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite
astounding (although I think someone has too much spare time on their
hands).

Amazing anagrams:

Dormitory == Dirty Room
Evangelist == Evil’s Agent
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in ’em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z’s
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point == I’m a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it

The next two are truely really amazing. This well known phrase from Hamlet
by Shakespeare:

“To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the
mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.”

becomes:

“In one of the Bard’s best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.”

This phrase from more recent history (including the name of the man
who uttered it):

“That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.”
– Neil A. Armstrong

becomes:

“A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon!
On to Mars!”

2 drunks bar hopping

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Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.

They only had a dollar in change between them. “I’ve got it, follow me.” said the first man.

They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. “We’ll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I’ll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off.”

The second man agrees to this and they start thier rounds.

When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.

The bartender tells them, “That will be 3 dollars.”

The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.

“You faggots!”, screams the bartender. “Get the hell out of here!”

They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees.

The bartender throws them out.

After the sixth bar the second man complains, “Man this isn’t working out so well, My knees are killing me!”

“You think you’ve had it bad..”, the first man exclaims. “I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!”

Country Newlyweds

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A young farmer couple got married, and they just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love, and when the husband returned home at evening they had another go – both before and after supper, and then again a few more times during the night.
The problems only happened during the day. The fields were far away from the house and the young man lost half an hour each time traveling home and back again at noon. Finally he decided to consult a friend, the town’s doctor, about what to do.

“Easiest thing in the world, Homer” said the doctor. “You take your rifle out with you every day don’t you? Well, when you feel like you’re in the mood for some lovin’, just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to come out to you. That way you won’t lose any workin’ time.”

Homer tried his friend’s solution and it seemed to work pretty well for a while. One day though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he noticed Homer sitting alone inside looking very somber.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Didn’t my idea work? Where’s your wife?”

“Oh, it worked” says Homer. “Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said, and Beckie’d come runnin’. Then we’d find a secluded place and make love. Then Beckie’d go back home.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain’t seen hide nor hair of Beckie since hunting season got started…”

If Restaurants Functioned

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If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
Patron: No, it’s still there.
Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try
eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What
kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration
problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to
do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you
noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup
of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.
I’m running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup
and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

The boy on a nude beach.

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Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The
father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in
the water. He comes running up to his mom and says, “Mommy, I saw
ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!”

The mom says “the bigger they are, the dumber they are.” So he goes
back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says,
“Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy’s!”

Mom says, “the bigger they are, the dumber they are.” So he goes
back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says,
“Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and
the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!”