Whats the difference between a “HOLD UP” and a “STICK UP”??
AGE
Author: admin
Clinton and Bush talk
What did Clinton say to Bush on the way out of White House?
I hear you have to daughters. Do you think they might wanna
intern for me?
Central Heat
Your mama is so stupid when a robber tried to burn your house down, she
said, “Clap your hands, stamp your feet, praise the Lord for central heat!”
Una gallina que viv�a en
Una gallina que viv�a en una granja lejana de la civilizaci�n lleg� corriendo al chiquero de los puercos.
En el chiquero s�lo se encontraba un puerquito ba��ndose de lodo. La gallina al verlo, se burla de el y le da la mala noticia: “TE VAN A MATAR PUERQUITO.”
El puerquito, preocupad�simo y todo palido de la impresi�n del comentario de la gallina, le pregunta:
“�Y PORQUE DICES QUE ME VAN A MATAR GALLINITA?”
La gallina le contesta:
“Es que en la ma�ana escuch� al patr�n decirle a su se�ora que en la tarde le diera chicharr�n a la gallina…”
Unbiased Journalisism
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is
attacked by a Doberman. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off
a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and
twists, breaking the dog’s neck.
A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes
over to interview the boy.
“Forty Niners’ fan saves friend from vicious animal”, he starts
writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Niners fan,” the boy replies.
“Oakland Raiders’ fan rescues friend from horrific attack,” the
reporter starts again.
“I’m not a Raiders fan either,” the boy says.
“Then what are you?” the reporter says
“I’m a Cowboys fan!!!”
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
“Redneck bastard kills family pet”.
Flight Announcements
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the, “In-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”
2. Pilot… “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land… it’s a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
3. After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee… “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more, than Southwest Airlines.”
8. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
9. “As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
10. “Last one off the plane must clean it.”
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!
12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain had really fought to get the plane down. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
13. Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.”
He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I as you a question?”
“Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?”
The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
16. Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today and the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”
6 in
there is a fly flying over a venus fly trap when tha venus fly trap thinks to itself if that fly drops 6in lower i can have the fly. then a bear comes along and says to himself if that fly drops 6in lower then the venus fly trap can have tha fly and i can get tha venus fly trap. then a hunter comes and says if that fly drops 6in lower then the venus fly trap can get tha fly the bear can get tha venus fly trap and i can shoot tha bear. then amouse comes and says if that fly drops 6in lower then tha venus flytrap can get tha fly the bear can get tha venus fly trap the hunter can shoot the bear and i can have the hunters sandwich. then a cat comes along and says if that fly drops 6in lower then the venus fly trap can get the fly the bear can have the venus fly trap the hunter can shoot the bear the mouse can get tha hunters sandwich and i can get tha mouse. then a dong comes along and says that if that fly drops 6in lower then the venus fly trap can get tha fly the bear can get the venus fly trap the hunter can shoot the bear tha mouse can get tha hunters sandwich the cat can get the mouse and i can get tha cat.
all of a sudden the fly drops 6in lower tha venus fly trap gets the fly tha bear gets tha vensun fly trap the hunter shoots tha bear tha mose gets tha hunters sandwich that cat gets tha mouse the dong chases that cat onto a log in a lake and knocks tha cat into the water……..
what is the moral of this long ass story………..
6in alwayz gets that pussy wet.
Cereal Killer
Did you hear about the man who drowned in his muesli?He got pulled under by a strong currant!–Karina Dibble
S.H.I.T (Special High Intensity Traning)
Special High Intensity Training – S.H.I.T.
MEMORANDUM
TO: All Employees
FROM: Communications Services
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.
If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.
All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.
If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).
If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).
If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program.
Thank You.
Boss in General
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCK-OF-SHIT)
Bed pans
This hospital has an economy ward for the homeless.
They get proper medical treatment, but there is one drawback.
It’s difficult for the patients to hide their bed pans under their sleeping bags.
Gold prospecting
A prospector on his first trip to Alaska met an old miner named Jake at the local saloon and decided to join him on his next trip since he was an old hand at looking for gold in the Yukon. The next day as they were finishing loading the dog sled with supplies the old timer told him to go find a board with a knot hole in it.
The rookie ask why and was told that they would be in the back country a long time and they would not see any women until they returned to town. Well the young prospector thought this was crazy but found a board to appease the old man.
About eight months later the young prospector walked back into town alone. One of the towns people ask him what had happened to old Jake.
” Well”, the young prospector answered, ” I had to kill him.”
“Why on earth did you have to do that for,” ask the townsman.
The prospector looked him in the eye and stated. “Caught him in bed with my BOARD.”
Top ten signs that you are too drunk
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.6. You can focus better with one eye closed.5. You fall off the floor.5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.4. You haven’t had a driver’s license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.3. Roseanne looks good.2. You don’t recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass. 1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.