Author: admin

Vaguely Obscene Nun Jokes

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What is black and white and green and black and white?
Two nuns fighting over a sweaty pickle.

What is black and white and grinds up and down, up and
down?
A nun churning butter.

What is black and white and screams “YES! YES! YES!”
A nun winning at BINGO.

What is black and white and pink and hard?
A nun stopping, lifting her habit up to her shins, and
sratching her ankle bone.

What is black and white and gooey and creamy?
A nun eating a bowl of Tapioca pudding.

What is black and white and makes a wet, sucking sound?
A toothless, elderly nun eating a Communion wafer.

Smoking doesn’t kill people…

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Remember, smoking doesn�t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. It’s only fair. Since smokers aren’t around as long as the rest of us, they should pay more while they’re here.

I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me.

Trying to quit smoking can drive you nuts — especially when you try to light your nicotine gum.

Marlboro has a line of outdoor gear for smokers. They recommend you buy it a size larger so paramedics don�t have to cut it off of you.

The Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart paddles sewed right into the lining, and there�s a backpack that can hold a portable respirator.

I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy. My wife is furious.

Sex Is A Killer

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A guy went to his doctor full of anger. “Doc,” he said, “I feel like killing my wife. You’ve got to help me. Please tell me what I should do.”

The doctor thought for a moment. “Look,” he said, “here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they’ll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you’ll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex.”

“Wonderful, doc,” said the grateful patient. “I’ll start with this right away.”

He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.

Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.

“What happened?” asked the doctor. “What happened to your wife?”

“Don’t worry, doc,” the patient reassured him, “two more days and she’ll be dead.”

The tourists

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Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing”

Rules for Dogs

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BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark— a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark…LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing.HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don’t injure yourself. CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never— quite— catch them. It spoils all the fun

What to do if Jehova’s witnesses appear at your do

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1. Actually invite them in, lead them to the kitchen and sit
them down in front of the fridge, saying, “why don’t you talk to
this, it will probably find you much more exciting than anyone
else will”.

2. Run about the house screaming “THE MESSIAH! THE MESSIAH HAS
RETURNED!”. After about five minutes of this, calmly walk to the
door and throw yourself prostrated to the ground until they
leave, terrified.

3. Hand them a case saying GOD’S REFERALS on it, muttering under
your breath “nice disguise, but lose the anorak” in your best
James Bond accent.

4. Exclaim in your best Italian Mafia voice “Jehova? but I was
cleared of that case three years ago!”.

5. Open the door in a hurry, run out of the house brushing past
them and pelt it down the road. Get your wife or husband or
anyone of the opposite sex to then lean out of the door shaking
their fist and shouting “And good riddance to y’all!”.

6. Put on a fake white beard and a nightie with “JESUS” written
on it and complain about how they are acting or how they are
dressed in as many ways as possible.