Your mamas so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of george washingtons nose
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Mistaken Identity
A drunken guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks
her over.
He says, “You don’t feel so tough now, do you,Batman!?”
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
The Construction Workers
An Irishman, a Mexican-American, and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch, and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”
The Mexican-American opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”
The blond guy opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.”
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage, and jumps to his death. The Mexican-American opens his lunch, sees a burrito, and he jumps too. The blonde guy opens his lunch, sees the bologna, and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral the Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!”
The Mexican-American’s wife also weeps and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas or even a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”
Everyone turns and stares at the blond’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me,” she says. “He makes his own lunch.”
What do the KKK and
What do the KKK and steroids have in common?
They both make blacks run faster.
Q: How many actors
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?A: Two. One to stand on a chair and change it and one to say “I wish I was up there !”
When old men act up……
There are these two old ladies and this old man. They decided to go out to dinner. The old man started flinging his food and acting up. The ladies said “act your age.” So then the old man died.
Add It Up: Relationship Guide
For all you guys out there who just can’t figure it out, here it is: In the
world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something
she likes and you get points? Do something she dislikes and points are
subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects…Sorry,
that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties:
You make the bed…+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows…0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up…-5
You leave the toilet lid down…-10 after the lights are out…-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom…-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer…-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night …0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something…+5
You pummel it with a six iron…+10
It’s her father…-10
Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party…0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking
buddy..-2
Named Tiffany…-4
Tiffany is a dancer…-6
Tiffany has implants…-8
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner…0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar ……+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night…-3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team..-10
A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal…-5
And the pal is happily married…-4
Or frighteningly single…-7
And he drives a Mustang…-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)…-15
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes…+4
You take her to a movie you hate…+6
You take her to a movie you like…-2
It’s called Death Cop 3..-3
Which features cyber having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ………-15
Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly…-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it….+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts ..-30
you say “I don’t give a damn because you have one too”…-800
The Big Question:
She asks, “Do I look fat?�…-5
you hesitate in responding…-10
you reply, “Where?”…-35
Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like
a concerned expression…0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
you listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV…+10
she realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep…-20
Yo mama so ugly…
Yo mama so ugly she had to trick or treat on the phone.
Parrot with Attached Strings
This lady was throwing a party and had this very vulgar parrot
and she wanted to do something with it so she could make sure it
would not embarass her.
Well she took it to a local pet store and the owner said tell ya
what you leave it here for one week and I will fix everything.
One week later the lady comes back and her parrot has a string
attached to each one of its legs and the woman asks, “What are
those strings for” and the owner replied, “Well, pull one.” So
the lady pulls the first string and the parrot says, “Good day
ma’am” the lady pulls the second string and again the parrot
replies, “Good afternoon sir”
The lady was amazed so she askes the owner, “Well, what happens
if I pull both strings at once?”
The parrot replies, “I’ll fall on my ass you stupid bitch!”
Viagra
IF THEY HAD NOT FOUND SADDAM HUSSAIN THEY
WERE PLANNING ON SPRAYING IRAQ WITH VIAGRA.
THEY WERE SURE THIS WOULD MAKE THE PRICK STAND UP.
A hack golfer
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying
the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all
day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.
He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m
going to go drown myself in that lake.”
The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head
down that long.”