We take your bags and send them in all directions.
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Drowning a Blonde
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Viola joke
Q: When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first?A: Who cares!
Your mommas so old
Your momma so old i slap her on her back and her tittys fell off
Viagra Prescription
A man goes to his doctor to get a prescription for Viagra. The
doctor looks over the man and says, “Viagra can be very
dangerous and we do not just dispense it indiscriminately.
Please bring your wife to my office next week and we’ll discuss
this in more detail.”
So the next week the man shows up with his wife. The doctor asks
to see the wife by herself for a few moments. So she follows him
back to the examining room. The doctor asks her to disrobe and
she does. He then asks her to turn around a few times. He then
instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in
various positions. He then tells her that she can get dressed,
then goes out to meet the man. “Sir,” the doctor says, “There is
nothing wrong with you. I couldn’t get an erection either!”
Polite ways to tell a male he needs to zip up: By David Letterman:
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson…Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars .. but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
1. You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary”
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor….
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked
her what had
happened to her ears and she answered, “I was ironing a shirt and the
phone
rang – but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the
iron
and stuck it to my ear.”
“Oh Dear!” the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. “But what happened
to your
other ear?”
“The son of a bitch called back!”
Toons on drugs
Top 9 cartoon characters suspected of drug abuse.
1. GARGAMEL (From the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?
2. OLIVE OYL
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?? She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger to her friend. One side question…what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? What is it…her personality? NOT!
3. SNAGGLEPUSS
Can’t explain it. Maybe it’s the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.
4. HE-MAN
This is an easy one. I mean c’mon. Roid monkey #1. “BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!” Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Can we say “animal abuse?
5. YOGI AND BOO-BOO
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side? Are they gay? I mean, take a look a Boo-Boo. Not that there’s anything wrong with that……….
6. DROOPY
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can’t someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of babe. Sort of makes you wonder.
7. DOPEY DWARF
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.
8. DAFFY DUCK
If he isn’t using crack, Merion Berry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from “daffiness” but Haldol wouldn’t work for him.
9. SHAGGY
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does pot….no if, ands or buts about it. And look at the way him and his friends painted that van!
Pretty rad design dude
Submitted by Curtis
Gas Trouble
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they didn’t smell and are silent”.
The doctor says “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the lady goes back, “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly.”
“Good”, the doctor said. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing”.
Un d�a, la boa estaba
Un d�a, la boa estaba que se mor�a de hambre y fue a pedir trabajo a un burdel. La leona, que era la madrota, se burla de la boa diciendo que estaba muy maltratada en comparaci�n con sus putitas como la loba, la pantera, la avestruz, etc. Fue tanto el rogar de la boa que la leona le dio trabajo, y le dijo que se enredara en un �rbol para ver si ca�a alg�n desesperado.
Pasada la media noche, lleg� el conejo dici�ndole a la leona que quer�a echar pata. La leona le aclar� que todas estaban ocupadas pero que ten�a una nueva, que la probara y que luego le dijera que tal hab�a estado.
El conejo se fue corriendo a buscar a la boa. Cuando la boa lo ve venir, de un solo bocado se lo traga, ya que estaba fam�lica. Entonces, se queda pensando un rato y decide escupirlo ya que si se lo tragaba, la leona la iba a matar.
Sale el conejo todo lleno de saliva dando vueltas. Cuando logra levantarse, todav�a sacado de onda, exclama:
“�Si as� estuvo la mamada, c�mo estar� la cogida!”
Fly In My Guinness
An Irishman, an Englishman and aScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender handsthem over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks outthe fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass,pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, “Spit it out, yabastard! Spit it out!”
The Braggart Gets His!
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could
outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of
one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had
enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said.
“I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over
to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said…
“All right. Get in.”!